Being sent a sympathy card with inappropriate comments

[notedbiscuits]

This person is a former friend and colleague. She has done this practice of sending sympathy cards to people she hasn’t spoken to in years. Again with unsympathetic comments. I know she looked through the death messages in the local rag.

The thing - card about a relative that I lost in January. Hardly anyone knew about the death.

The message is inappropriate and upsetting. Not spoken to her in 9 years as I got fed up with her racist attitude.

On a few occasions she has turned up to funerals sitting near the back. Again why?

She’s 73, married.

I don’t think I’m the one to tell her that stop doing this hurtful things.

The comment didn't sound malicious I'm sure she meant well. Churches are public spaces and attending strangers' funerals used to be a thing older people did. Not so much now but in the past.

I'm glad I read to the end before casting my vote.

This is slightly unusual behaviour, but not actively weird for someone of that age. The message was not to your taste, but presumably well-meant. I'm sorry for your loss, but don't take your grief out on an odd but apparently harmless woman.

Where I am from it is very very common to go to funerals and sit at the back if you don’t know the family well but want to pay your respects to the deceased. There’s no invites to funerals and no control over who attends or doesn’t attend.

Its especially common to see older people in their 70s at the back seats in church at funerals

It absolutely is.

Tons of people turned up at mums funeral that we hadn’t seen or heard from for years.

Can you not articulate what you mean without ageist, offensive descriptions of 70yr olds 🤔

BTW I’m not 70 but one day will be and so will you, the language used about older people is so depressing.

Where I am from

Exactly

The comment was fine.

I’m probably only a stones throw away from you! Your experience may differ but complete randomers turning up at funerals happens all the time and there’s nothing untoward about it

Clearly norms differ in different places!

Ireland – v different to England

For example

She may have felt it was her duty to do so, many older people do, and sometimes different cultures feel the same way. (As others have put)
As for the message, I was expecting something worse, it's a bit blunt, and maybe not very well put. But wouldn't say it's inappropriate necessarily. She may have worded it badly.. however you know her character and I do not.
I do think if I was grieving, I'd find it more inappropriate, so I do understand why you feel this way.. especially if she is not the nicest woman.

A dear friend of mine has received a sympathy card on the anniversary of her husband's death for twenty years now. The sender has been repeatedly told it is upsetting and to please stop, but she insists that it is "the right thing to do". It's very self righteous behaviour, very visibly being there doing the "right thing" regardless of other people's feelings. I would guess your "friend" is of a similar belief.

I am from Ireland and live in England. It happened in both places I lived in.

Yes, yet another unpleasant example of MN ageism.
Also, I don't think the woman's behaviour was inappropriate.

😮

Don't engage with her in any way.

Yes, this is normal to me as well (urban area in north of England). I actually think it's part of what makes us human, what makes communities. As long as it's done with respect - and it almost always is - it's just people being people. Usually caring. x

OP - YABU and you are finding offence where there is none, but you are also grieving, and it's understandable. Take care.

It obviously varies depending on the community

But I think broadly it’s fair to say that in Ireland it’s not outside the norm to attend funerals of people you don’t really know

In a way that is a lot more unusual in England, where it’s generally considered a more intimate affair

Yeah, this is where I’m at too tbh. Purposely excluding her and trying to tell her she can’t attend events is bloody horrible, op.

I don’t think OP has actively excluded her, has she? Didn’t she just say that the woman has attended leaving dos, etc., where she hasn’t actually said hello (or goodbye) to the person leaving?

I can’t see anything particularly wrong here. It’s normal to attend a funeral of someone you knew in the past, or even didn’t really know, but you knew their relative. Normal to sit and the back. I think it’s fine not to introduce yourself to the main mourners - that would be intrusive, or they might think so. Nothing wrong particularly with the card or message either. There were people we didn’t know at my MIL’s funeral. They attended the service, sat at the back and slipped out at the end. We assumed they were church attendees.

OP said ‘My colleagues, former colleagues and myself have asked her not to come to retirement/leaving/milestone birthday dos anymore’

Maybe the comments are heartfelt and she isn’t trying to upset you. It does depend also on who died too, if it is your child, or someone younger than you would expect to die that was extremely close - highly inappropriate. Your 90 plus grandparent, meh weird but hardly cutting.

To be fair, if the OP is in the UK then it’s quite normal for anyone to attend. It’s neither rude nor inappropriate.
The sympathy card was neither rude nor inappropriate. It’s a card, which has been binned anyway. I don’t see the issue with it.

My beloved, lovely, Aunt used to attend funerals at her church - especially those which had a very low turn-out, 10 or less mourners. As a committed and longstanding member of the church, she saw it as a Christian act. She would be very low-key, sit at the back, and certainly wouldn't have made a fuss or spoken to the main mourners. I think just thought her mere presence in the building meant something to the church community, and made sense for her faith. This is in England, BTW.

Ah right. I dunno, it sounds like it’s not out of random meanness but because she’s turning up, eating the food and not actually saying hello the the person whose birthday / retirement / leaving party it is. It’s not the point of the OP so presumably OP could go into more detail if it was relevant

If you’re rude people won’t want to invite you to things. That’s just life