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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

188 replies

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 26/04/2024 02:46

I think you should go and enjoy yourself. The reality is that your baby will be absolutely fine. I had to travel a few hours away from my DC1 for a funeral. He was absolutely fine with his dad.

VashtaNerada · 26/04/2024 02:52

It is ultimately your decision. If you’re not comfortable, then don’t go. I have to say though, I would have been fine with this when my DC were that age. I would miss them but it wouldn’t have stopped me from going. Do you get anxious about things generally or is it specifically about being separated from the baby?

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:55

Thanks for the reply both. I’m generally not anxious at all and was able to leave her for an evening long before friends with similar aged babies felt comfortable doing so. As I said, DH is perfectly competent and I’ve got no specific concerns, just an intense dread in the pit of my stomach and a firm feeling that it’s too long and too far. I’m really hoping these feelings will dull when I leave (rather than escalating into even more panic than I feel now!) so it’s useful to hear that others did / would manage it…

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 02:56

The first time I left dd for 1 hour was when she was 9 months old. I can’t imagine a flying to another city.

if your friend really cared about your attendance, she could have planned a party that didn’t pressure you to be so far away from your infant for so long.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 03:02

Thanks for your input @Ponderingwindow - glad I’m not alone! I just feel a very strong urge to not be so far away Sad.

The hen was planned by other bridesmaids when I had just given birth unfortunately and I don’t really know any of them. Friend isn’t aware of the location but it’s more convenient for everyone else (I’m the only one who lives so far away) so makes sense.

OP posts:
Kittenkitty · 26/04/2024 03:07

If you really don’t want to go then don’t go, but it’s perfectly fine for you to go and have a good time. I think it’s great that your OH is reliable enough to take over, I think that’s really positive for your child to experience as they grow older. I think it’s really positive for your OH to know that you trust them and have confidence in them and it’ll make him feel good when he’s done it. I think it’s important for Mums to value themselves and not treat themselves as second class citizens in their own homes, Mums should have time out for things they enjoy. And I think start as you mean to go on!

Feeling anxious doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen.

Hope you manage to go and enjoy yourself.

GoodbyeKyle · 26/04/2024 03:07

I have a nine month old baby too and I know I'd struggle to be away from her for two nights just now - you're not alone feeling this way.

Don't put pressure on yourself just because another mum in the group is more comfortable with this and has a younger baby. Just because some people would be more comfortable with this scenario doesn't mean you're in the wrong for feeling differently.

You're very close friends with the bride - talk to her and explain how you feel and as she is a good friend, she will understand. She will be gutted you won't be able to join them, but she won't hold this against you. You will have plenty other fun times together in the future and she won't want you to be upset at her hen do.

It's entirely your decision whether you go or not. If you decide to go, try reframing the hen do in your mind. If you head off with a negative mindset, you probably will have a miserable time.

Also worst case scenario, could you get an early flight home?

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 03:18

Thank you @Kittenkitty, some lovely ways to think about it. DH is a very wonderful and equal dad who really wants me to go and have fun and the friend is a very close friend. The hen plans sound really fun (even if I don’t know many people going) and I’d normally be excited but it’s just hard to frame it in a positive light! Time away from the baby isn’t really the treat I would have expected it to be…

@GoodbyeKyle thank you for the good advice. You’re right about framing things in a more positive way. It’s so hard to tell whether I’d feel much better once distracted or whether the feelings will get worse. Unfortunately, both airports are small regional ones and the flights have been expensive enough. I’ve looked and any last minute flights back earlier would be far too much. I don’t really want to speak to bride to be unless I’m certain I’m not going. There’s a lot of people going so my absence wouldn’t change the dynamic but I do think a cancellation so close to the event would be upsetting for her. It all feels a bit of a mess that I’ve allowed to happen..

OP posts:
spannered · 26/04/2024 03:22

My baby is almost a year old and I've found that if I don't feel comfortable leaving her, I just don't go. Equally, I completely understood when one of my bridesmaids couldn't attend my hen do recently for the same reason. If the bride doesn't have a baby she might not get it, but one day she probably will ❤️

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 03:33

Thank you @spannered. You sound very understanding. It feels hard to explain to someone else but I feel jittery and on edge just like I did when she was a newborn and visitors held her too long. It’s not really a feeling I’ve had since!

OP posts:
Rainyspringflowers · 26/04/2024 04:08

I have a nine month old and I wouldn’t want to be away from her either (although if anyone could take her now so I can go back to sleep, please …)

However I do think it’s a bit unfair to bail out at the eleventh hour for things like this bar actual emergencies. It’s not a personal criticism but people always do it: you have something arranged and then the week before the texts start coming in. It puts me off ever arranging anything!

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/04/2024 04:08

If I were your friend, I'd think you were being OTT. Your baby is 9months and being cared for by their other parent. It's only 48 hours. You are bridesmaid.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 04:14

Rainyspringflowers · 26/04/2024 04:08

I have a nine month old and I wouldn’t want to be away from her either (although if anyone could take her now so I can go back to sleep, please …)

However I do think it’s a bit unfair to bail out at the eleventh hour for things like this bar actual emergencies. It’s not a personal criticism but people always do it: you have something arranged and then the week before the texts start coming in. It puts me off ever arranging anything!

I know Sad. I hate flakiness and used to never cancel things but it’s hard now. In my defence, there has been a change in circumstances leading to a cobbled together new plan. She’s been ill and / or teething for weeks consecutively and I feel ill myself from sleep deprivation so just haven’t been in the best place to make smart plans Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 04:17

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/04/2024 04:08

If I were your friend, I'd think you were being OTT. Your baby is 9months and being cared for by their other parent. It's only 48 hours. You are bridesmaid.

I know. It’s not just 48 hours though, it’s also being so physically far away without the means to return early easily. Sadly being bridesmaid doesn’t cancel out how I’m feeling currently …

OP posts:
MumChp · 26/04/2024 04:20

If you don't fancy it, stay home.
I have left mine with their father at that age and they had great fun. If you decide to go don't feel bad about. Baby is safe with dad.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/04/2024 04:30

But it is just 48 hours and she's with her dad. Honestly, you are being totally PFB. Why do you need to get back easily? You they being rational.

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 04:30

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:55

Thanks for the reply both. I’m generally not anxious at all and was able to leave her for an evening long before friends with similar aged babies felt comfortable doing so. As I said, DH is perfectly competent and I’ve got no specific concerns, just an intense dread in the pit of my stomach and a firm feeling that it’s too long and too far. I’m really hoping these feelings will dull when I leave (rather than escalating into even more panic than I feel now!) so it’s useful to hear that others did / would manage it…

What you've described there OP is unfortunately anxiety though - the intense dread. For whatever reason it is now manifesting in you, I think firstly you need to recognise it for what it is, acknowledge it is borne out of irrational thoughts and balance that out with rational thought.

So like other PP have said, the likelihood is your child will be absolutely fine and if you allow yourself, you can go and enjoy yourself.

Don't feed the irrational thoughts OP, it can spiral and before you know it, create a bigger issue. I work in MH with a mum who is now entirely uncomfortable with the idea of sending their child to school or childcare as a result of their anxiety. Anxiety if not recognised can grow legs and run if not properly addressed.

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/04/2024 04:30

*aren't

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 04:35

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 02:56

The first time I left dd for 1 hour was when she was 9 months old. I can’t imagine a flying to another city.

if your friend really cared about your attendance, she could have planned a party that didn’t pressure you to be so far away from your infant for so long.

Respectfully, no, the friend has absolutely no reason to even think that this should be a problem, people have their hens in others cities all the time, this is not unusual.

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 04:39

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 04:35

Respectfully, no, the friend has absolutely no reason to even think that this should be a problem, people have their hens in others cities all the time, this is not unusual.

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It just depends on what they value more, the venue or being surrounded by friends. If it is the venue, they should be ok with some people not being able to attend.

Crabble · 26/04/2024 04:41

Ahh it’s hard to leave them when they’re little OP.

Honestly though I think you should go, because dropping out last minute when you’re a bridesmaid isn’t great and will likely upset your friend. It’s totally different to declining in the first place due to the baby.

Is it possible to change flights and just go for one night or something? This is a close friend and given your baby’s welfare is not in any way going to be jeopardised by you going, I do think it’s important you make the effort for her.

Josette77 · 26/04/2024 04:59

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 04:39

It just depends on what they value more, the venue or being surrounded by friends. If it is the venue, they should be ok with some people not being able to attend.

Show quote history

Given that OP is the only one travelling and the Bride doesn't know about it, I think it's safe to say your criticism isn't called for.

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 05:11

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 04:39

It just depends on what they value more, the venue or being surrounded by friends. If it is the venue, they should be ok with some people not being able to attend.

Show quote history

When it comes to the actual wedding itself, I would agree with you... if you make it hard for your guests to attend whether through using a venue with no nearby accommodation or no child policy etc then you can only expect people to decline.

However, regardless of the fact that this is pretty standard stuff for a hen, it is only now becoming a problem due to OPs increasing anxiety about attending, it really isn't about what anyone else could or should have done/considered at the time of organising so I think its misdirected and undeserved flack on the bride and misses the actual source of OPs difficulty.

hopscotcher · 26/04/2024 05:16

It sounds as though your baby will be absolutely fine with your DH. However if you don't want to go to the hen, don't go - surely it's not an obligation.

MariaVT65 · 26/04/2024 05:24

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 02:56

The first time I left dd for 1 hour was when she was 9 months old. I can’t imagine a flying to another city.

if your friend really cared about your attendance, she could have planned a party that didn’t pressure you to be so far away from your infant for so long.

What a load of OTT bollocks. Doesn’t mean her friend doesn’t care about her at all.