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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

188 replies

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

OP posts:
MariaVT65 · 26/04/2024 05:43

Just another perspective op. I have a 5 month old (my 2nd DC) and 2 weeks ago I had to be taken into hospital via ambulance, and was there for about 10 hours, followed by a few more hours for further scans/wait to see consultant etc.

My hospital is 15 mins from me, but it still didn’t mean I was able to get home quickly to my baby, so distance away is not always relative to this.

Go and enjoy a break :)

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 26/04/2024 05:54

My sils hen was 10m after ds was born but they planned it while I was pregnant. 2 nights away in a city 3 hours from us. I originally declined aa I didn't know how I would feel plus I was planning to breast feed and didn't know where that would be and I didn't know sils friends. However a few dropped out and mil was going for one night so I ended up going for the one night.
It was fine but I was glad it wasn't longer.

I'd either go and suck it up from the sake of the friendship. Or I'd lie and say you and dd have a vomiting bug.

Otherwise your friend may find it hard to forgive.

VestibuleVirgin · 26/04/2024 06:00

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 02:56

The first time I left dd for 1 hour was when she was 9 months old. I can’t imagine a flying to another city.

if your friend really cared about your attendance, she could have planned a party that didn’t pressure you to be so far away from your infant for so long.

I doubt the bride planned her hen party to coincide with the fact that one of her btidesmaids had a baby 9 months before. These things often an inconvenience for someone despite good planning.
OP, go! In a year you'll be praying for a couple of days freedom!!

thecatsthecats · 26/04/2024 06:33

Is there any cheaper but slower alternative to flying that gets you there a day later?

You can not go for any reason, but it actually might be good for you to push yourself in this case, since it's anxiety based, not facts based.

Kittenkitty · 26/04/2024 06:36

ineedtostopbeingdramaticfirst · 26/04/2024 05:54

My sils hen was 10m after ds was born but they planned it while I was pregnant. 2 nights away in a city 3 hours from us. I originally declined aa I didn't know how I would feel plus I was planning to breast feed and didn't know where that would be and I didn't know sils friends. However a few dropped out and mil was going for one night so I ended up going for the one night.
It was fine but I was glad it wasn't longer.

I'd either go and suck it up from the sake of the friendship. Or I'd lie and say you and dd have a vomiting bug.

Otherwise your friend may find it hard to forgive.

Just to add, I totally agree with this advice - if you’re not going LIE! Don’t say you didn’t want to leave baby at the 11th hour, people without babies won’t understand and anyone with a baby who is going will feel judged (even though you’re not judging them) so to save peoples feelings say you’ve woken up with D&V or whatever.

susiedaisy1912 · 26/04/2024 06:36

Don't go op. You are allowed to say no to things. If you feel uncomfortable telling the bride the reason just say you and baby have a tummy bug. Motherhood is hard especially the first year or so and none of us can anticipate how we will feel. You won't enjoy the weekend if you are dreading going.

Frangipanyoul8r · 26/04/2024 06:39

Mums who have time away from their children don’t do it because they feel no anxiety. They do it because they know that adult friendships are part of what makes us happy and that it’s worth trying to overcome those anxieties for a couple of days in order to maintain those friendships.

Just go. This isn’t about how anxious you feel or whether you’ll even enjoy it. It’s about not being a shit friend by cancelling last minute for no good reason other than a little normal anxiety.

Frangipanyoul8r · 26/04/2024 06:41

I would be careful following advice on maintaining friendships from people on MN, a lot of posters are quite open about the fact they don’t have friends.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 06:42

Thank you all for the input.

To clarify, I’m really not planning to cancel. I don’t want to do that to my friend and I’ve already not got to be as present as I wanted for wedding planning. I just wish there was a way to make it easier but I really have exhausted flight options. I’m definitely not frustrated by the location. I’m the one who lives somewhere unreasonable and it works for everyone else, including the newer mother.

Just surprised at how hard it feels. Genuinely feels like I’m going away without one of my limbs Blush.

OP posts:
blue345 · 26/04/2024 06:43

If I were your friend, I'd think you were being OTT. Your baby is 9months and being cared for by their other parent. It's only 48 hours. You are bridesmaid.

Same. If she's happy with her dad, I don't see a problem.

I may in the minority as I went to New York and left my kids with their grandparents when they were little. They both had a whale of a time and we enjoyed the break.

Georgethecat1 · 26/04/2024 06:44

Oh I get this so much OP! It’s the primal instinct, why would you want to away from your baby? It’s so ingrained in our DNA. I cry everytime I have to leave my kids for an extended time frame. Hate going on work trips just generally hate being away from them and I get the same gut dreading feeling.

However it’s not real life to be with them 24/7…as much as I want too! I know it feels unnatural but go, put on your best smile, allow dad to have some good 1-1 bonding time and try to enjoy yourself.

MariaVT65 · 26/04/2024 06:45

Genuine curiosity….are you not exhausted? Would you not like a break and to do something for yourself? :)

Maray1967 · 26/04/2024 06:47

I first left mine for 48 hours at 18 months. Boy did I pay for it. For weeks after he wouldn’t settle down at night without me in the room. We had to sleep train in the end. Maybe that was because he was older and more aware - but in hindsight I wouldn’t have gone (conference in Europe that I wasn’t particularly bothered about - not my main research area, but I was part of a research team).

I hadn’t had any dread like you’re describing- I was actually looking forward to the break. In your shoes I’d not go. I’d invent an illness.

Catza · 26/04/2024 06:47

I don’t know if it would be something helpful to you but I usually logic the hell out of my anxieties. You know that your kiddo is with a competent and loving adult. The chances of something happening are absolutely no greater than the chances of something happening when you are with them. In the unlikely event that something does happen, it makes absolutely no difference whether you are 5, 50 or 500 miles away.
Your anxiety is not rational, it is hormonal.

Purpleturtle45 · 26/04/2024 06:48

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/04/2024 04:08

If I were your friend, I'd think you were being OTT. Your baby is 9months and being cared for by their other parent. It's only 48 hours. You are bridesmaid.

I would think this too.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2024 06:51

Your anxiety mostly seems to stem from the distance and the idea you can’t quickly and/or easily return if needed.

However, you can return in an emergency - and if it’s a genuine emergency it will cost what it costs and you’ll do it anyway.

So really it just stops you returning easily for a more minor reason. Which is perhaps no bad thing.

The dread will go away as you take action to confront the feeling. Flowers

Toomuch2019 · 26/04/2024 06:51

I completely get the anxiety and as other posters have said this isn't something you can rationalise.

However, I think you should go. Your baby is with dad, who is a competent parent. You have committed to something. Also I think it is very likely to affect your friendship with the bride going forward if you don't.

Saying all this I don't think it has to be doom and gloom-you'll find like most things that are worried about once your in it, it won't be as bad. And you may actually enjoy yourself!

ThePoshUns · 26/04/2024 06:52

SquishyGloopyBum · 26/04/2024 04:08

If I were your friend, I'd think you were being OTT. Your baby is 9months and being cared for by their other parent. It's only 48 hours. You are bridesmaid.

I agree with this poster. Your baby is with her dad not a complete stranger. Go and have some fun.

Toomuch2019 · 26/04/2024 06:54

Also (sorry forgot to add to other post) this may help you in the long run from an equal parenting perspective. I don't know your set up and you say DH js competent, but on maternity leave you can become the "expert" in the child due to the sheer number of hours alone with the baby - this gives dad some time to do the same, and an appreciation of what your days are like. May be a side benefit!

spinningplates2024 · 26/04/2024 06:56

I wouldn’t have been able to go at this age. My DC used to still feed loads and didn’t have bottles so that was a factor. I’m not sure if they did take bottles of I’d have felt differently. It’s certainly not OTT not to want to leave your baby for 48 hours.

Onetiredbeing · 26/04/2024 06:58

If you know you will be unhappy and stressed the entire time then don't go. If you feel In your gut that you need to be with your baby then do it. She's 9mo and to me that's still very little. I do get that feeling of being so far away too. Do it sooner rather than later if you decide not to go.

Springissprung24 · 26/04/2024 06:59

OP, I always hate this type of thread as it draws in so much judgement. The tone of some people’s replies really does insinuate any mother who doesn’t want to leave her baby must be really strange. I don’t judge those who leave their babies when they’re very young, I just know that I never wanted to. And I turned down a number of social events that I turned down due to being away from my baby for too long, including a hen do when he was six months old. Contrary to what seems the be believed by a lot of people on this thread, I was never anxious. I just didn’t want to leave him, it didn’t sit right with me. I wasn’t worried he was going to come to any harm, I wasn’t catastrophising, it simply felt wrong for me. I don’t want you to take away from this thread that how you feel about your baby is weird or that you need to work on being more comfortable being away from her. Once my son was a bit bigger, I naturally felt happier to leave him, I went for a 3 day weekend in Dublin when he was 18 months old and he stayed with grandparents. I missed him but I had reached the point I was comfortable with a stay away - I think this point just comes at different stages for different women.

With all of this being said, I do think you would be wrong to cancel now. I’m going to be a bridesmaid for a close friend this year and I can’t imagine cancelling going to her hen do with such short notice. I think you should go because it could be damaging to your friendship to bail out now. In future I think you need to work on being able to say no! You can say no to social occasions and not feed bad about it, whatever the reason is. This not wanting to leave your baby hasn’t just appearing within the last few days. You’ve not dealt with this before now when you could have and by cancelling this late you’d be disappointing your friend.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 26/04/2024 06:59

An hour on a plane? Unless you're talking Ireland to the rest of the mainland is this not driveable? Manchester to London is about an hour and that's about 4hr drive. Would you feel better doing that? Then you'd have the car for just in case?

AhBiscuits · 26/04/2024 07:01

It's normal to feel like that but you should still go. The baby will be fine and you'll have fun.

Confrontayshunme · 26/04/2024 07:04

When my DD was 9 months, I got a terrible infection and needed a few nights in hospital and couldn't breastfeed. I was so unwell, but desperate to have her back with me for fear my milk would stop or I would miss something important. Her very competent dad took amazing care of her. If you have a good partner, I don't think you should be worrying too much. Try and have a good time.