to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

[Henpartydilemma]

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

I think its totally normal to feel like that, esp when you aren't just an hour away.

I'm the same even when my kids were older, I'm not quite sure what I worry about as I know they are well looked after. For me it just the run up to the event and once I go I'm absolutely fine.

Hopefully you will be the same. (Remember 48 hours isn't long, you'll be back before you know it). Hope you have a good time.

I wouldn't want to go either, I don't think that's unreasonable either. I don't think I'd be comfortable leaving my 3yo for more than maybe 1 night, a 9mo is very young.

Should add there is nothing wrong with going, she has 2 parents and by the sounds of things a good relationship with her dad. It's just that you don't want to and that is important.

There’s no right of wrong, they’re important to someone people and not to others.

This isn’t about whether it’s important or not anyway, it’s about OPs feelings, which are valid.

People who are saying ‘just go and enjoy yourself’ are dismissing her anxiety around it, it’s like saying ‘pull yourself together’. If you’re anxious, it’s not as easy as just go and enjoying yourself, I’m sure OP would like to be able to not feel how she does.

*Some

Please go, your baby is with her Dad not a stranger. You will all be fine.

"From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby" Sorry but you shouldn't have committed to going. Pulling out at the last minute is very rude. Totally your choice but this last minute, I'd be upset if I was the bride. I've been dropped by friends when they have babies, it really hurts and I am determined not to do this myself.

You know she’ll be well looked after.

You know she’ll be happy and content with her dad.

You know if there was an emergency they’d be able to contact you and you would be able to get back somehow.

This is just your maternal instinct/anxiety kicking in and you need to ignore it.

It will be nice for her and her dad to have some proper alone time and it will be nice for you to TRY and fully switch off.

If it makes you feel better then write down a list of flights and train times that you can get in case of an emergency.
Give DH the number of where you’ll be staying and get him to ring you if there’s an emergency.

If you don’t hear anything then you know it’s all fine.

I really do hope you’re able to switch off and enjoy yourself.
Parenting is hard and you should never feel bad about doing something fun for yourself.

Personally, I wouldn't even leave a piece of cooked chicken for a hen party.

I think you are perfectly reasonable to feel like that.

I wouldn't go if it was me with a baby that age- although that's not me saying you shouldn't go if on balance you want to. But you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to be close to your baby - its completely normal.

When she committed, the plan meant she wouldn’t have been far from her baby.

I would go as you said you would and arrangements have been made but in future don’t agree to anything you don’t really want to do.

Thank you @WaitUpForMe. The original plan was pretty watertight and the change in circumstances was very unpredictable.

I really do value my friendships and have put a huge effort in post baby to keep things going. I think some people are projecting onto me a little! I’ve made a big effort and spent a lot of money to organise plans to attend this hen and am very stressed things are falling through.

Whoops I should have clarified. DH is available to look after her but as I didn’t want to be without her for that length of time and a relative was available and keen and flights are expensive and we have cat care to organise and he has lots on at work, it made sense for him to remain at home.

I'd assumed your husband would be looking after her at home, that's why I was struggling to work out why you'd arranged to take her to stay with a relative when she could be at home with her dad.

We're all different but I'd echo what PPs have said about wearing different hats to just being a mum. I've had the most stressful year of my life and my oldest friends have single-handedly got me through it so I'm grateful that I put them first on occasions when I was juggling my kids too.

Op I've walked in your shoes.
Just after DS was born, We were was invited to an event miles away, the event was in 9mths time.
I agreed to it thinking 9mths is yonks away it will be fine.

As the event got nearer I really didn't want to go. But I knew I wasn't thinking rationally, there was no logical reason not to go.
Baby was being looked after by my DMum who was also looking forward to it. But I remember doing exactly as you are, planning the emergency 'how do I get back should something go wrong'

I couldn't even bring it up with DH because my feelings made no sense and we'd committed to the event.

We went and had a great time it was lovely just to be me. I don't even remember getting back to the baby after it.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable because I would have felt exactly the same. But I was breastfeeding at this point and my babies didn’t take bottles so it wasn’t really an option. It’s pretty nice if you are able to go and you are confident baby will be ok. If that is the case then I would do it.

Personally I think you’re being massively OTT but then it doesn’t really matter what I think. What I would say though is does DH know you effectively don’t trust him to look after your baby? I’m being a bit blunt because, despite you saying he’s perfectly competent (which feels like quite the backhanded complement), you’re saying he won’t be able to deal with the “in case something happens” issue you have.

Thank you - really reassuring post!

This feels unfair. I don’t know how many times I have to state how competent he is and how much he looks after her alone. Of course I trust him. He’s a truly brilliant dad. He recently went away with work and missed DD terribly and didn’t really want to go either. I didn’t take that as a slight on my parenting at all. For the sake of a mumsnet thread I’m not going to go into long details about our relationship and dynamics but I can assure you this is nothing to do with not wanting to leave her with her dad and perfectly competent was just a quick way of summing up the situation to address the fact I have no anxieties around his caregiving abilities.

OP, please go.

As someone who is an anxiety sufferer, I know if I felt the same as you I would spiral if I didn’t go and it would be more detrimental in the long run.

I have a 5 week old, and we were due to go to vegas in November (which we’ve had to postpone not due to baby) and I know I would have felt the same, but I also know my mum would have physically put me on the plane if I changed my mind. Mum was having her (will be having her when we go next June) as DH is coming with me (it’s a present for him all planned after my miscarriage so was not thinking we would have a baby by then).

ETA - I completely get that it’s nothing to do with concerns about your DH looking after your baby. It’s more about you, the only thing to be blunt about is it’s your MH taking over.

Thank you. Sorry about your miscarriage . Congratulations on your baby and enjoy Vegas when it comes round!

If it's causing you so much distress, I'd cancel. Neither option is wrong but you have to do what feels right for you and ultimately, it's your decision. My youngest is 15 months old and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving him for two nights, so I just wouldn't do it.

YANBU for not wanting to leave your child, just like you wouldn’t be unreasonable to be fine with it.

I was happy to have nights out when my children were babies but I didn’t leave them overnight or for longer periods until they were 3+, as that’s what felt right for me and my children. I ignored anyone telling me I ‘had to’ or ‘should’, which I was told quite often.

I remember a friend of my cousin telling me that I was boring for not wanting to leave my second baby, at 11 months old, to go on my cousins hen do abroad for a week. She was leaving her slightly older baby to go, and even though I didn’t say anything about that, as it’s none of my business, she said she felt judged by me purely because I wasn’t going. 🤯 I think lots of people take it as judgement of their own decisions which is why they try to belittle your feelings, talk about PFBs or tell you that you have to go and it’ll be good for you. I wasn’t judging anyone, I was thinking of me and my kids only.

When I started leaving my kids for longer periods, I didn’t have anxiety as I knew my kids were happy being left, excited to stay with other people and I was ready to leave them. It hasn’t impacted my friendships at all despite us all feeling ready at different times to leave our kids. We all love each other and so just accepted what each other was comfortable with.

I think this is one of those times when you should “feel the fear and do it anyway”

You know it’s not rational and you know your friend will be disappointed at such a late drop out, especially when there’s not actually anything preventing you coming.

Don’t be a flake and go. Your baby will be fine, you know this. It will feel weird and bedtimes will be hard (you can facetime) but you’ll also enjoy it I suspect and it may do you some good to let your hair down baby free.

Also all this ‘it’ll do you good’ stuff, it might do OP good, or maybe it won’t. At that age, if I was away from my children for more than 4/5 hours, I started to feel shit and I wanted to get back to them. Having nights away wouldn’t have done me any good at all nor would knowing I was far away from them. For some parents they may enjoy it, which is absolutely fine, but it’s not for everyone. It’s so strange that there’s so much pressure put on parents to be comfortable with things they’re not comfortable with, which will usually sort themselves out in time.