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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

188 replies

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

OP posts:
Mcvitieschoccybiscuit · 26/04/2024 07:04

It’s normal to feel anxious- you’re a mum. My kids are teenagers and I promise you it unfortunately never goes away you just learn to be more balanced about it.

Your baby is being looked after by what sounds like a very loving and competent father.

It sounds like a lovely weekend (unlike some of the horrors you hear about).

Go and have a lovely time.

HaventGotAScoob · 26/04/2024 07:06

Ponderingwindow · 26/04/2024 02:56

The first time I left dd for 1 hour was when she was 9 months old. I can’t imagine a flying to another city.

if your friend really cared about your attendance, she could have planned a party that didn’t pressure you to be so far away from your infant for so long.

Nonsense.

Baileyqueen · 26/04/2024 07:06

I understand you feeling like you don’t want to leave your 9 month old but you will have a great time once you get there and baby will be with dad. Personally, I think it is a positive for dads to just crack on and take responsibility from when the children are young. There are plenty of posts on here of mums who are fed up, they have always carried the load and then want their partners/ spouse to step up with the children. And everyone struggles. So start as you mean to go on, it benefits you all.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 07:06

MariaVT65 · 26/04/2024 06:45

Genuine curiosity….are you not exhausted? Would you not like a break and to do something for yourself? :)

Sorry to hear about your hospital trip - I hope things are ok!

Generally not exhausted but certainly yes over the last few weeks. The illness is constant at this age! And I seem to catch everything she has to. You’re probably right about a break even if the whole idea does feel even more exhausting Blush

OP posts:
PotatoPudding · 26/04/2024 07:07

If you’re not comfortable, don’t let anyone guilt you into going. Plenty of mums aren’t comfortable leaving their child overnight.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 07:08

Springissprung24 · 26/04/2024 06:59

OP, I always hate this type of thread as it draws in so much judgement. The tone of some people’s replies really does insinuate any mother who doesn’t want to leave her baby must be really strange. I don’t judge those who leave their babies when they’re very young, I just know that I never wanted to. And I turned down a number of social events that I turned down due to being away from my baby for too long, including a hen do when he was six months old. Contrary to what seems the be believed by a lot of people on this thread, I was never anxious. I just didn’t want to leave him, it didn’t sit right with me. I wasn’t worried he was going to come to any harm, I wasn’t catastrophising, it simply felt wrong for me. I don’t want you to take away from this thread that how you feel about your baby is weird or that you need to work on being more comfortable being away from her. Once my son was a bit bigger, I naturally felt happier to leave him, I went for a 3 day weekend in Dublin when he was 18 months old and he stayed with grandparents. I missed him but I had reached the point I was comfortable with a stay away - I think this point just comes at different stages for different women.

With all of this being said, I do think you would be wrong to cancel now. I’m going to be a bridesmaid for a close friend this year and I can’t imagine cancelling going to her hen do with such short notice. I think you should go because it could be damaging to your friendship to bail out now. In future I think you need to work on being able to say no! You can say no to social occasions and not feed bad about it, whatever the reason is. This not wanting to leave your baby hasn’t just appearing within the last few days. You’ve not dealt with this before now when you could have and by cancelling this late you’d be disappointing your friend.

Thanks, this explains how I feel. It just feels wrong and so is making me anxious but I’m not anxious in general and spend plenty of time away from her in levels that I feel comfortable at (including nights out etc.)

Unfortunately the last minute was unavoidable as DD was originally coming with me but a last minute change in my relative’s circumstances meant she no longer can.

OP posts:
hottchocolatte · 26/04/2024 07:15

I personally have never left my 2 year old for 48 hours so I think YANBU to not want to leave them. It's up to you, however, I do think YABU to be asking yourself this so close to the date as you have agree to go. If circumstances have changed and you can no longer go then so be it but I think I'd be annoyed if I were you're friend, just because it sounds like you said you'd to and are pulling out a few days before.

GreyCarpet · 26/04/2024 07:18

My daughter was slightly older than yours when I went away for a week. I returned the day before her 1st birthday. She and her 8 year old brother stayed with their dad for the week.

He had the week off work to facilitate it and they had a great time!

It gave me a much needed chance to do something I loved (I went on a week long residential for an OU course I did) and it gave the children chance to spend quality time with their dad.

I returned to a clean house, a pile of clean laundry he hadn't quite got round to putting away, and he'd made our daughter a birthday cake and arranged a little family birthday party for her with decorations and party bags for the guests. They had days out, played, lazed about and they just had a lovely time.

There it's no right or wrong but you might just really enjoy a couple of carefree days of fun away with your friends.

I'd seriously consider going if I were you and try and reframe it in your mind.

I wonder how much of it is a genuine feeling of not being able to be away from her and how much is a sense of guilt that you shouldn't be away from her?

fiorentina · 26/04/2024 07:18

Everyone is different, by 9 months I’d been away for a week to the US with work, not ideal but necessary. I’d have gone on the hen do too, but do what you feel comfortable with.
Sounds good fun though, so hope you can make it!

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 07:18

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 06:42

Thank you all for the input.

To clarify, I’m really not planning to cancel. I don’t want to do that to my friend and I’ve already not got to be as present as I wanted for wedding planning. I just wish there was a way to make it easier but I really have exhausted flight options. I’m definitely not frustrated by the location. I’m the one who lives somewhere unreasonable and it works for everyone else, including the newer mother.

Just surprised at how hard it feels. Genuinely feels like I’m going away without one of my limbs Blush.

It is an entirely normal reaction for you to have OP in this season of life, we're not programmed to want to leave our babies too easily but it really is good for you to have a balance, spend time with friends and let dad fend for himself if that doesn't often happen. You've many other roles outside of being a mummy, friend, daughter, wife etc and if you're going back out of the house to work after maternity, it's a bit of practice for that transition too (I cried leaving my little one into his first day of daycare BUT he cried when it came time to get him out of the ball pit to come home 🙄🤣) we're both respectively very happy now in our routines together and apart! Have a great time OP! You'll be back home to your LO before you know it!

Gobimanchurian · 26/04/2024 07:21

I went to Spain for a best friends hen when my youngest was 10 months. Felt exactly the same as you do now, it's completely normal.

She was fine, I enjoyed the weekend (albeit my OH sent a video of her first steps when I wasn't there and I burst into tears in the restaurant!)

It's ok to feel conflicted, but if you're not BF and LO is safe and well cared for I would go.

GreyCarpet · 26/04/2024 07:22

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 07:18

It is an entirely normal reaction for you to have OP in this season of life, we're not programmed to want to leave our babies too easily but it really is good for you to have a balance, spend time with friends and let dad fend for himself if that doesn't often happen. You've many other roles outside of being a mummy, friend, daughter, wife etc and if you're going back out of the house to work after maternity, it's a bit of practice for that transition too (I cried leaving my little one into his first day of daycare BUT he cried when it came time to get him out of the ball pit to come home 🙄🤣) we're both respectively very happy now in our routines together and apart! Have a great time OP! You'll be back home to your LO before you know it!

Show quote history

This is so true and so important to remember.

BeeDavis · 26/04/2024 07:22

Your baby will be absolutely fine, if you bail out on something like this it will probably lead to you being even more anti-social and as a mum we need people around us to keep us sane! I know you’ll have a fab time, of course you’ll miss your baby but trust me it will make you feel like yourself again! Even if just for a couple days.

kikisparks · 26/04/2024 07:23

I turned down a hen do when DD was that age, no regrets. She’s 2.5 now and only recently would I consider leaving her overnight but haven’t done it yet. It’s your choice, if you don’t feel comfortable don’t go.

kikisparks · 26/04/2024 07:25

Oh but I did turn it down off the bat, I didn’t agree and then cancel later.

sandgrown · 26/04/2024 07:27

When my daughter was 8 months old I had to leave her with my mum for 2 weeks while I went to America. She was absolutely fine and had a great time with my parents . She is 42 now and we are still very close . Your baby will be fine . She is being looked after by someone who loves her . Take the opportunity to enjoy some child free time .

Conniebygaslight · 26/04/2024 07:27

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

I wouldn’t expect anyone with a baby or toddlers to come away overnight. I’d invite them with a caveat to refuse without any ill feeling. Of course this is because I have children (albeit now grown). Your feelings are completely natural. Sorry I have no advice other than whatever you do won’t be wrong. X

Copperoliverbear · 26/04/2024 07:28

I would not go if it was me, for lots of reasons, one being I would not leave my children, two hen party's aren't my thing and three I don't drink.
If you told your friend how it's affecting you would she understand.
if you felt like this when you were asked you should have plucked up the courage to say i wont be coming.
in future just say from the beginning to save yourself all the stress, my friends know now, unless its just a meal out or cinema i wont go, but I've learnt to say no now from the off and its easier.
i used to be a people pleaser but now i just do what pleases me and my family x

Capmagturk · 26/04/2024 07:32

If you're panicking due to anxiety just try lots of rational thoughts. You've already been away a night or two and she was absolutely fine, that wasn't due to the distance, being further away won't make a difference shel be okay with her daddy and the time for you will go quickly - defo make sure you get sleep if you're sleep deprived. Go enjoy yourself, you deserve the break and it's nice for dads to have a bit of time one on one with the baby. The time will likely go so quick and you're friend will be delighted to have you there.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 26/04/2024 07:33

You sound really reluctant to be that far away, it's perfectly fine to prioritise your baby. You can explain that you're not able to go, hope its not too dissapointing but your struggling with some anxiety at the moment and don't want to go away and be talking about how you feel worried. This is in no way a reflection on your friendship. Put a little gift pack together for your friend to contribute to the trip. Let them know today and you'll feel so much better.

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 07:33

Maray1967 · 26/04/2024 06:47

I first left mine for 48 hours at 18 months. Boy did I pay for it. For weeks after he wouldn’t settle down at night without me in the room. We had to sleep train in the end. Maybe that was because he was older and more aware - but in hindsight I wouldn’t have gone (conference in Europe that I wasn’t particularly bothered about - not my main research area, but I was part of a research team).

I hadn’t had any dread like you’re describing- I was actually looking forward to the break. In your shoes I’d not go. I’d invent an illness.

Babies get separation anxiety too of course and have really no tools to manage it yet so it is also in their best interests to gradually spend time away from you while they're in their earlier stages of development (so they recognise that you always come back!) Then it doesn't end up being such a big jolt to their world when they're a toddler.

HGC2 · 26/04/2024 07:41

I think it’s the fact it’s a plane away that’s the scariest part, I still get that and my kids are big!

MollyRover · 26/04/2024 07:43

I went away for a night (around 36 hrs total) when DC2 was around the same age, breastpump in tow as I was still breastfeeding at the time. I didn't leave until DC1 was 18 months though and that would have been physically easier without breastfeeding. It would be hard but it is mom guilt and nothing else. You've said already that DH is perfectly capable, it might be ultimately good for you to have some time to yourself. I know my mental health was really suffering when I was a first time mum, I wish I'd done more for myself to be honest.

SpoonyFish · 26/04/2024 07:47

Springissprung24 · 26/04/2024 06:59

OP, I always hate this type of thread as it draws in so much judgement. The tone of some people’s replies really does insinuate any mother who doesn’t want to leave her baby must be really strange. I don’t judge those who leave their babies when they’re very young, I just know that I never wanted to. And I turned down a number of social events that I turned down due to being away from my baby for too long, including a hen do when he was six months old. Contrary to what seems the be believed by a lot of people on this thread, I was never anxious. I just didn’t want to leave him, it didn’t sit right with me. I wasn’t worried he was going to come to any harm, I wasn’t catastrophising, it simply felt wrong for me. I don’t want you to take away from this thread that how you feel about your baby is weird or that you need to work on being more comfortable being away from her. Once my son was a bit bigger, I naturally felt happier to leave him, I went for a 3 day weekend in Dublin when he was 18 months old and he stayed with grandparents. I missed him but I had reached the point I was comfortable with a stay away - I think this point just comes at different stages for different women.

With all of this being said, I do think you would be wrong to cancel now. I’m going to be a bridesmaid for a close friend this year and I can’t imagine cancelling going to her hen do with such short notice. I think you should go because it could be damaging to your friendship to bail out now. In future I think you need to work on being able to say no! You can say no to social occasions and not feed bad about it, whatever the reason is. This not wanting to leave your baby hasn’t just appearing within the last few days. You’ve not dealt with this before now when you could have and by cancelling this late you’d be disappointing your friend.

I hope I didn't sound judgemental in my response to OP. I absolutely agree, each mum will feel comfortable in their own time and you're right, e.g. at 6 months if exclusively breastfeeding, you physically couldn't leave your baby, so that's different altogether. I think just in the context of OPs reasoning, it is anxiety based and better to be managed than necessarily given into. I remember having the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach when it came to driving on my own for the first time but I had committed to going to my little cousins birthday party and I didn't want to let her down so I pushed through it and was very glad I did.

PurpleChrayn · 26/04/2024 07:51

My visceral reaction is not to go.

You're a biological dyad. It makes sense that you don't want to be away from her.