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Original poster

to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

188 replies

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

OP posts:
Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 04:17

I know. It’s not just 48 hours though, it’s also being so physically far away without the means to return early easily. Sadly being bridesmaid doesn’t cancel out how I’m feeling currently …

Show quote history

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Herecomestreble1 · 26/04/2024 07:55

Have never left my 18 month old, still don't want to. If it means I miss out on things so be it, I couldn't care less what people thing tbh.

WineIsMyMainVice · 26/04/2024 07:55

Would it help if you had the odd video call during the weekend so that you can see she’s absolutely fine?
I hope you feel happy with whichever decision you make.

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 07:58

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:55

Thanks for the reply both. I’m generally not anxious at all and was able to leave her for an evening long before friends with similar aged babies felt comfortable doing so. As I said, DH is perfectly competent and I’ve got no specific concerns, just an intense dread in the pit of my stomach and a firm feeling that it’s too long and too far. I’m really hoping these feelings will dull when I leave (rather than escalating into even more panic than I feel now!) so it’s useful to hear that others did / would manage it…

Totally understand how you feel

‘intense dread in the pit of my stomach and a firm feeling that it’s too long and too far’

That feeling won’t go and will only feel worse if you’re there. I did it once, against my gut, didn’t enjoy it all and can still remember how I felt 12yrs later!

Theres no big thing about going, your friend will understand if they’re a good friend.xx

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 07:59

If its making you this anxious, then just don’t go.

I wouldn’t have left my children for 2 days at that age even though they had a loving and competent father. I left them when they were older without an issue.

If your anxiety continues as your child gets older or stops you from doing other things, then obviously see a doctor, but I think being reluctant to leave your 9 month old baby is fairly ‘normal’.

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 08:02

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Show quote history

That’s all quite childish tbh.

It’s not about her husband, op said she trusts him, obviously. It’s about her not wanting to be away from her baby.

If a friend did what you suggest (uninvited and defriend because OP wants to be with her child), not much of a friendship there!

BigBadBarri · 26/04/2024 08:02

I’d be pretty offended if I was your partner that you didn’t trust me to look after my only child for 48 hours

Horticultured · 26/04/2024 08:02

I would feel hurt and let down if I was your friend, her dad will be looking after her and she will be absolutely fine!

You are a bridesmaid for your friend and she will be expecting you to be there. I would totally understand if you didn't have childcare but I would personally think it sounded like an excuse if my bridesmaid cancelled on my hen for childcare reasons even though the child's dad was looking after her.

Why not arrange a facetime whilst you're on the hen? You are still your own person, live a little and enjoy it! Your baby is the most important thing in the world to you but other people also matter and you will be grateful when your child is older that you made the time and effort with others.

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:04

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Show quote history

Then you’re not worth having as a friend.

If I was OPs friend and she explained how anxious she was feeling, there is no way I would expect her to come.

It’s not PFB, I felt like it about all my children when they were so young. Yes, children are precious to their parents, saying PFB is just another way to shame women who don’t behave how others think they should. Fuck that.

beAsensible1 · 26/04/2024 08:04

Gently.

baby is with their father, they will be fine. It’s just a bit of separation anxiety which is normal and expected. But honestly they will be ok.

trust yourself and trust your DH.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 08:05

Samlewis96 · 26/04/2024 07:54

Is your husband not offended that you obviously don't consider him an equal parent able to look after his own child. ? As obviously he trusts you to look after the child while doing other stuff

And TBH if I was the bride and you flaked out of hen do for " I don't wanna leave my pfb" then that would be a cancelled wedding invite and end of friendship for you

Show quote history

My husband isn’t offended at all because, as I’ve explained, I don’t doubt his confidence. He looks after DD alone all the time. I’m only her primary caregiver when he’s working, otherwise it is a fully equal split. This is about how I feel being far away from my baby; I’ve zero concerns for her wellbeing. I’ve also made it clear I’m not going to cancel but that’s because I don’t want to upset my friend and affect her weekend - there is absolutely zero chance that she’d terminate the friendship over something like this!

OP posts:
Mavenss · 26/04/2024 08:06

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:04

Then you’re not worth having as a friend.

If I was OPs friend and she explained how anxious she was feeling, there is no way I would expect her to come.

It’s not PFB, I felt like it about all my children when they were so young. Yes, children are precious to their parents, saying PFB is just another way to shame women who don’t behave how others think they should. Fuck that.

Show quote history

What’s PFB?

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 08:07

Not at all @SpoonyFish - you give very good advice!

OP posts:
HedgehogHighway · 26/04/2024 08:07

Why not just go for one night? You’re still a part of it and there for your friend. But unfortunately have to duck out early to care for a young baby - seems reasonable and the other women will just continue without you. It’ll be fine.

blue345 · 26/04/2024 08:07

BigBadBarri · 26/04/2024 08:02

I’d be pretty offended if I was your partner that you didn’t trust me to look after my only child for 48 hours

Have to say I thought the same about the original arrangement of the relative when the baby's dad was available. It's good for them both to have time alone together.

beAsensible1 · 26/04/2024 08:07

@WaitUpForMe baby will be with their other parent, the only other person in the world who cares as much as OP.

that should be ok, it does her DH a disservice to suggest that it wouldn’t be. Anxious before your first big trip away from a baby is extremely normal. It isn’t a portent of doom or even rational.

some anxiousness should be encouraged to get over.

Icequeen01 · 26/04/2024 08:08

I had to go away for 2 nights when my DS was about 4 months old. I felt dreadful about leaving him as I was running a Brownie pack holiday to look after other people's kids! Actually I found when I was there I felt better about it. I had things to occupy my mind so I didn't have time to worry.

It will be fine Op I promise. Go and have some time to yourself.

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:09

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 08:06

What’s PFB?

Show quote history

Precious firstborn. It’s commonly used to shame women usually and to dismiss their feelings, by idiots.

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 26/04/2024 08:13

If you really don't want to then don't go.

But your baby will be absolutely fine with your DH, her other parent.

And there's nothing wrong with you still being a person who can go and spend time with a very close friend on an important occasion and enjoying yourself.

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 08:14

blue345 · 26/04/2024 08:07

Have to say I thought the same about the original arrangement of the relative when the baby's dad was available. It's good for them both to have time alone together.

Show quote history

Whoops I should have clarified. DH is available to look after her but as I didn’t want to be without her for that length of time and a relative was available and keen and flights are expensive and we have cat care to organise and he has lots on at work, it made sense for him to remain at home.

OP posts:
VJBR · 26/04/2024 08:16

You shouldn’t have to go if you don’t want to. Life is too short. Circumstances have changed in that you can’t take her with you so it is understandable if you cancel. Worse would be to go and feel anxious all the time and not enjoy yourself. The other hens would pick up on this and it might put a damper on things.

Dayfurrrrit · 26/04/2024 08:17

I would go because I had committed and it meant a lot to one of my closest friends, even if I didn’t think I would enjoy it that much (although it’s usually much better than anticipated). Being nervous is ok, but to some extent you just have to push through it and hopefully find that it’s been a positive experience for all of you.

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:18

beAsensible1 · 26/04/2024 08:07

@WaitUpForMe baby will be with their other parent, the only other person in the world who cares as much as OP.

that should be ok, it does her DH a disservice to suggest that it wouldn’t be. Anxious before your first big trip away from a baby is extremely normal. It isn’t a portent of doom or even rational.

some anxiousness should be encouraged to get over.

🙄 No one is ‘suggesting’ the baby won’t be well cared for by their dad. OPs feelings are not a reflection on her confidence in her husband.

I didn’t ignore my feelings to not want to leave my children when they were young just to make my partner feel better. Thankfully he’s not the sort of person that would make it all about himself, and instead understood my reluctance to leave them was about my own feelings.

elevens24 · 26/04/2024 08:21

I think it's normal and I still get an anxious feeling leaving dd, but ime as soon as you're at the airport you forget about them!

Original poster
Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 08:23

elevens24 · 26/04/2024 08:21

I think it's normal and I still get an anxious feeling leaving dd, but ime as soon as you're at the airport you forget about them!

This is what I want to hear. Just want some reassurance I’ll get there and power on rather than sobbing though security Grin

OP posts: