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Original poster

to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

188 replies

Henpartydilemma · 26/04/2024 02:37

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

OP posts:
Dinosaurus86 · 26/04/2024 08:24

Completely understandable either way. Of course it’s fine to leave a nine-month-old but it’s also fine not to want to. I left DS for nearly a week at 13 months for a trans Atlantic work trip. I don’t regret it but wouldn’t do it again. I absolutely trusted DH - that wasn’t the problem - but I felt uncomfortable not being able to get back quickly for any emergencies. I also spent much of the time in pain, as I was still breastfeeding (despite taking a pump).

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/04/2024 08:26

Go. It will not only be good for you to have some down time but it will also be good for DH and baby to have some time together.

Previousreligion · 26/04/2024 08:27

Of course it's normal to feel like this. It would have been impossible for me to go away for 48 hours at that age (breastfeeding issues, I'd probably have ended up with mastitis).

If you go though, your child will be fine. They won't know if you're just down the road or a flight away.

Littlemisscapable · 26/04/2024 08:30

Honestly all will be fine. You will be really chuffed with yourself when you get back..sometimes u need a reset like this to get into a different frame of mind. Enjoy yourself.

SJC2015 · 26/04/2024 08:38

The way you feel is totally normal. I'm sure everyone does but it is all about how you deal with that anxiety.
I have felt the same but have been away on hen dos etc when my kids were little. and older. (they are 6.5 and 2 years now) I think first time my youngest was 6 weeks when I went 2.5 hours away for a night for a hen do. Then when he was 12 months we (me and DH) went away for a wedding a bit further for one night and my parents have DS. We are currently planning 5 days abroad for our 10th wedding anniversary and my parents are having the kids. It fills me with alot of anxiety but ultimately I know it will be fine when I am there.
Personally I think having a balance. Yes I am always anxious up until that point I go away. But when I have been away it has been nice to be in 'not mum' mode for a little while.

Daisymae55 · 26/04/2024 08:38

I left my baby overnight with my parents at 5 months for one of my best friends wedding. I felt absolutely sick to my stomach so I totally understand how you’re feeling. But honestly she was fine. She had a lovely time and dh and I felt totally recharged having a night off from parenting.

it’s super stressful so I totally understand your feeling. Even now she’s 2 we’re leaving her with my parents soon for another wedding and I’m still nervous and not wanting to leave her. But I know deep down she’ll be fine and have a lovely time with her GPs.

I think you need to go, especially as a bridesmaid. When you get there you’ll have a great time and be glad you went! But the build up is horrible xx

AnneElliott · 26/04/2024 08:48

I'd go and enjoy yourself. DD is with her dad and you have no concerns.

I left DS with my mum at 7 days to go to a wedding! Obviously I'd had an easy time with the birth and I only went for the day and left after the meal.

Lyra87 · 26/04/2024 09:03

I left my DD at the same age for 48 hrs, with her Nanny (my DM). I get how you feel, but would it help if you try to frame it as a good bonding experience for your DH and DD? That's what I did when DD was with DM, and I have to say they have such a lovely bond now since they had that bit of extra time together.

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:10

If you don’t want to, don’t do it. It’s a hen party, it’s not important.

However… it is good to learn to be away from each other IMO. You might find you have a good time! A break is healthy.

Callmemummynotmaaa · 26/04/2024 09:26

I think these things are worth it. If someone loves me enough to ask me to be part of their wedding party, they are (likely to be) important to me. Yes babies need us but they are only little for such a short time. I love being a mum, but I’m also a partner and a friend. When these things crop up, I find it helpful for me remind myself that it’s ok to have my own life, as it’s part of building the support systems I want us to have as a family around us. Not sure if that’s in any way relevant to you but sometimes I think the mum guilt has so much power, it helps me remind me that I matter too. (And I know everyone’s different but my friends massively help me keep going when things are hard, so keeping them is important to me).

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 09:28

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:10

If you don’t want to, don’t do it. It’s a hen party, it’s not important.

However… it is good to learn to be away from each other IMO. You might find you have a good time! A break is healthy.

@MidnightPatrol

you’re wrong

hen do’s are important

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:30

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 09:28

@MidnightPatrol

you’re wrong

hen do’s are important

Show quote history

Why is a hen do important?

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 09:30

Herecomestreble1 · 26/04/2024 07:55

Have never left my 18 month old, still don't want to. If it means I miss out on things so be it, I couldn't care less what people thing tbh.

@Herecomestreble1

you WILL miss out, not if.

You matter too- take some time for yourself! 😀

putyourtitaway · 26/04/2024 09:32

@MidnightPatrol of course hen parties are important!

It's time to celebrate the bride, who is about to be married, with all her nearest and dearest.

You can't be serious?

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 09:34

putyourtitaway · 26/04/2024 09:32

@MidnightPatrol of course hen parties are important!

It's time to celebrate the bride, who is about to be married, with all her nearest and dearest.

You can't be serious?

@MidnightPatrol

this! Having fun and socialising with friends is important to us as human beings

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/04/2024 09:34

I think it’s perfectly normal. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a flight away from our children at that age, either.

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:37

putyourtitaway · 26/04/2024 09:32

@MidnightPatrol of course hen parties are important!

It's time to celebrate the bride, who is about to be married, with all her nearest and dearest.

You can't be serious?

Very serious.

It’s not like you’re not going to see the bride otherwise is it. And - if you want to celebrate with them before their wedding… you don’t need to go away for a weekend to do so. Just arrange a night at the pub.

I would describe a hen party as a ‘nice to have’. Increasingly the brides I know aren’t doing one, or having very low key ones. Too expensive, big ask for families to spend a couple of weekends away from the kids, conscious they’re already asking people to spend £££ to attend the wedding.

If I got invited would I make the effort to go? Probably.

Would it have bothered me if people couldn’t attend my hen do because they had a baby / had something else on / whatever other reason? No.

It’s just an excuse for another party isn’t it.

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:38

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 09:34

@MidnightPatrol

this! Having fun and socialising with friends is important to us as human beings

Show quote history

Where on earth did I say socialising with friends isn’t important? You have made some leaps there.

I said attending a hen do isn’t important. If someone can’t attend a hen do, I don’t think that should be a big deal.

herewego9 · 26/04/2024 09:44

Everyone's different. I didn't leave my children overnight until they were 5 and very rarely left them during the day either. I didn't attend weddings that we'd been invited to if they weren't, etc. this was my decision and what I was comfortable with, I never made anyone change plans for me, it was just what I preferred doing and it's perfectly acceptable. If you're not comfortable then feel empowered to say no but equally if you do go I'm sure you'll enjoy it!.

BigBadBarri · 26/04/2024 09:44

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:37

Very serious.

It’s not like you’re not going to see the bride otherwise is it. And - if you want to celebrate with them before their wedding… you don’t need to go away for a weekend to do so. Just arrange a night at the pub.

I would describe a hen party as a ‘nice to have’. Increasingly the brides I know aren’t doing one, or having very low key ones. Too expensive, big ask for families to spend a couple of weekends away from the kids, conscious they’re already asking people to spend £££ to attend the wedding.

If I got invited would I make the effort to go? Probably.

Would it have bothered me if people couldn’t attend my hen do because they had a baby / had something else on / whatever other reason? No.

It’s just an excuse for another party isn’t it.

Show quote history

if you want to celebrate with them before their wedding… you don’t need to go away for a weekend to do so. Just arrange a night at the pub.

so don’t go to their hen party but organise another hen party. Got it

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:46

BigBadBarri · 26/04/2024 09:44

if you want to celebrate with them before their wedding… you don’t need to go away for a weekend to do so. Just arrange a night at the pub.

so don’t go to their hen party but organise another hen party. Got it

Show quote history

Meeting a friend for a drink isn’t ‘a hen party’.

OP has been asked to attend a weekend-long event away from home with a group of women, and with an overnight stay.

It is not important to attend this.

If a friend was getting married in October and I was unable to see her before then, I wouldn’t think this was some great disaster in the order of events.

LolaJ87 · 26/04/2024 09:49

I'm glad you're going to go @Henpartydilemma .

I booked a trip away with my friend for when my baby was 6 months old (to another country). As it loomed closer I felt like you do now. I told my friend (a more experienced parent) how I was feeling and she said it always feels that way the first time, but it's ok once you get where you're going. I had a drink at the airport and felt sick and weird but then.... I had a lovely weekend!

It is the only time I've been away since my son was born (he's 16 months now) and I'm so glad I went when the opportunity came. It was very good bonding time for my husband too, and it got me used to leaving my son in advance of my return to work.

A previous poster said they felt there was some shaming of mums who don't want to leave their babies, but honestly I feel like it goes the other way too. There's a lot of "I could NEVER leave my child for more than 8 hours until they're at least 3" that at times made me feel like I was cold and uncaring for being able to go, but it was so, so good for me to just feel like Lola and not Mum for a couple of days. I felt better for having had some "me" time.

I have also found friendships are harder to maintain once you become a parent, so it's good to put some time into nourishing them when you can.

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 09:57

WaitUpForMe · 26/04/2024 08:09

Precious firstborn. It’s commonly used to shame women usually and to dismiss their feelings, by idiots.

Show quote history

Ah thank you..

Theothername · 26/04/2024 10:07

I found it really difficult to be away from my babies too so I completely understand where you’re coming from.

But also from experience, sleep deprivation is probably a big factor because it throws our systems into a survival state and magnifies feelings like separation anxiety.

A couple of days away might be the reset your body/brain needs. Just don’t overdo the drinking.

LuckySantangelo35 · 26/04/2024 10:11

MidnightPatrol · 26/04/2024 09:46

Meeting a friend for a drink isn’t ‘a hen party’.

OP has been asked to attend a weekend-long event away from home with a group of women, and with an overnight stay.

It is not important to attend this.

If a friend was getting married in October and I was unable to see her before then, I wouldn’t think this was some great disaster in the order of events.

Show quote history

@MidnightPatrol

youll be saying it’s not important to attend the wedding next lol