to not want to leave nine month old for hen party?

[Henpartydilemma]

I’m supposed to be going to a hen party on Saturday for 48 hours. It is in another UK city but a long distance away and so I’m flying. The flight is just over an hour and the airport is one hour on one side and thirty minutes on the other.

From the off, I’ve not wanted to be this far from my baby. Originally, I was going to take her with me and stay with a relative who would kindly care for her in the day but a change in circumstances meant this is no longer possible. It is also logistically not possible for DH to come. The only workable solution is for me to leave DD for 48 hours which is what I planned reluctantly. She’s spent a good chunk of time away from me and I’ve even done a night or two away but always very nearby in distance and never more than one night (less than 24 hours). This feels totally different and I felt uncomfortable initially at the thought of leaving her and this has now built up to really worried. She will be with very competent DH and have a lovely time, I just can’t bear the thought of being so far away and can’t sleep because I feel so worried and upset about it.

The hen is for a very close friend and I am bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid has a younger baby and is still coming and everyone else is child free. Is it normal to feel like this and what can I do?

Yes, you’re right she may not enjoy it (but she might). However what’s certain is that her friend the hen will feel disappointed if she’s not there. I think if she goes with the attitude that she’s there for her friend, and as a bonus she might enjoy it, that’s better than having the attitude that she’ll definitely hate every minute.

@FastFood

why?

You'll be distracted so the time will pass quickly, and baby doesn't have the ability to have much concept of time yet. Its probably easier for her than if it was a local set of activities with you coming and going, as then she'd have to keep repeating the inital upset of you leaving.

I'll defend the Op here the 'incase something happens' is nothing to do with how much you trust the person you are leaving your baby with.

The 'something' is about things outwith anyone's control, accident & illness, and wanting to get home to a poorly child.
Or knowing the child is unsettled and you can't get back to them.

You know the odds of the child being ill or injured is low, you know the person in charge will treat them and seek help if appropriate.

Which makes the fear completely irrational.

@Henpartydilemma Trying to reduce the fear of not being able to get home should LO be ill. Do you have travel insurance?
If you don't it might be worth it to have it just for your own piece of mind, esp as your journey is an expensive flight and alternatives like trains are £££.

You must have left her for more than an hour before 9 months? What about doctors, dentists, hairdressers, coffee with friends? They all take longer than an hour including travel time!

@Ponderingwindow

this! Are you exaggerating a bit?? 😀

But you’ve already spent time away from her - if it was your first time spending time away I’d absolutely agree you don’t want to go far, but you’ve spent time away, you know she’ll be absolutely fine with your DH and they’ll have a lovely time, and it’s only a few days away so I’d go personally (and like you, I’d feel incredibly anxious and be umm-ing and ahh-ing but then have a lovely time and wonder why I was so worried!) x

I think it'll be okay when you get there - not to sound flippant but a glass of wine at the airport, a good book or film downloaded, and when you get there and see everyone, it feels different.

I felt the same leaving my first who is two now. I'd committed to a trip in a similar way to you. Felt totally overwhelmed also, and anxious about it, not least because I was still EBF and so travelling with my pump. In the end I had a brilliant time, baby barely noticed I'd gone, and had a lovely time with his dad (who is also competent like yours)

Every business trip or wedding away I get some of the same feeling - I know rationally it'll be fine and they'll be well cared for, but just can't explain it. Once I'm on the way it's fine, I just have anxiety in the buildup to the trip.

I hope you have a brilliant time on the hen. If you don't enjoy it, you can always turn down future invites for a few months til you feel more comfortable

I left my 5 month old for 48 hours, also for a hen where I was a bridesmaid. I hated every second of it. I normally like "forced fun" activities and would have loved the idea of going dancing etc, but really had to fake it.

I was so happy to be home!

You've spent the money so you might as well go now, but be prepared not to enjoy any of it 😂

I have a 17 month old and im yet to spend even just 1 night away from her 😅.

The most iv done so far is a full day but the thought of not being there for her in the night and morning even though shes a brilliant sleeper, just makes me feel anxious.

Is there anyway that you can go for just 1 day or 2 days and 1 night and just go home in the early evening of the second day? Its such a touch situation to navigate.

I'm sure they would be fine with people not being able to attend - for any reason not just the baby-trumps-everything brigade. If the person refused the invite at the time. What theyll probably not be fine with (and understandably so, because its incredibly rude) is someone dropping out last minute for a non-essential reason.

You will get some skewed replies on here, OP, because MN hates hen parties (and lots of posters seem to have weird ideas about friendships).

You are of course not being unreasonable to FEEL the way you do -its literally evolutionary biology, women are programmed not to want to leave their young when they are defenceless - but some of those innate physiological reactions aren't appropriate in 2024. Your baby isn't going to be eaten by a tiger if you go out hunting.

If you had any real concerns about baby's welfare - she was ill or someone new looking after her it could be justifiable. But leaving her with her dad is good for her, for him and for you.

So weird people are asking you if you're an anxious mother because you don't want to leave your 9 month old. Seems very passive aggressive of them to imply you're not normal in your feelings. Personally I think it's completely normal OP and it's weirder to happily swan off for a weekend so early!

My baby is 9 months and I wouldn't leave her overnight yet. In fact the most I would leave her for is about 5 hours because she's breastfed. I would have no qualms in saying no to a hen party. I just wouldn't enjoy it knowing I was far away from my lovely baby. When she's a little older I am sure I'll feel differently but until then I'm happy to follow my instincts.

It’s possible to take your baby with you to all of those places. It’s passive aggressive to tell someone that they ‘must’ have done it.

What theyll probably not be fine with (and understandably so, because its incredibly rude) is someone dropping out last minute for a non-essential reason.

My friends would have been fine with me dropping out in OPs circumstances, we’ve had similar things happen and would never think friends were rude. She agreed to go when she thought a relative could look after her baby close by, now that can’t happen.

No chance I would have left mine at that age for a hen weekend so I understand.

No. When I went to the dentist, DH brought her and stayed in the lobby and they took breaks. I literally did not leave her for 9 months. She was a very high needs baby who screamed bloody murder every second she was not touching me. She would only sleep on me.

we eventually figured out she had ASD.

There you go @LuckySantangelo35. Maybe you should think before you judge something you know nothing about.

How old were your children when you left your kids @LuckySantangelo35?

Really surprised by the number of posters that think hen dos are the be all and end all. I missed two hen dos when I was pregnant, and my SIL's hen do when baby was 6 months old because I didn't want to stay away over night. No one booted off or stamped their feet over it.

When I had my hen do recently I had it during the daytime and in our city as I didn't want to be away from my baby overnight. I told my bridesmaid with a baby who lives hours away that while I would love her there, I totally understand if she doesn't want to come, and she didn't. We still have an amazing friendship.

I have no anxiety about my (now) husband's ability to look after her, I simply don't want to be away from her for more than a few hours at a time. I wouldn't expect friends of mine to demand my attendance at anything if I don't want to be there. I wouldn't ask my friends to do something they don't feel comfortable with.

The only issue is that you committed in the first place but you had a plan in place which has fallen through!

I've been surprised too and it has made me second guess myself as a friend a bit! They're really not a big deal in my circle and I've already missed 2 because of the baby and only went to part of a third. All of the brides were very unbothered and said they hadn't expected me to go. I in turn sent prosecco and flowers and asked for lots of photos! I do put effort into maintaining my friendships but my friends are all lovely and mostly low maintenance and very aware of how tiring a baby can be and very happy to meet up on my schedule. I'm very grateful for this! This situation is of course different as so last minute, one of my closest friends and I'm bridesmaid. I genuinely had a plan to make it work as I know how important it is to show up for this friend.

be nice for DH to have all that 1-2-1 with her

yes, and if the plan that had fallen through had been the only plan I'd like to think the friends would be understanding. But DH looking after the baby is an equally viable and suitable plan in terms of baby's safety and overall care - OP just doesn't want to do it.

And 'I've committed to something that is important to you but last minute I've decided I just don't want to do it,' isn't a nice thing to do for any reason - baby or no baby.

I haven't seen literally anyone say hen do's are the be all and end all, either? You've completely made that up. Although there have been posters that have made their decision that OP shouldn't attend just because THEY personally hate hen do's, which is bizarre.

My view would be exactly the same whatever the event. If you've committed to someone/something you shouldn't let them down unless you absolutely have to, it's just basic manners.

Your baby will almost certainly, be absolutely fine. But if you don't want to go, because you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby so long/ so far away, just cancel going. If the bride is a true friend, she'll understand.

@1offnamechange OP agreed to go with a plan in place which meant the baby travelled with her. That plan has fallen through and there is no alternative that allows the baby to travel with her. Had she of known that the baby couldn't travel with her, she may well have never committed. OP has said many times that her husband is capable. It isn't about the welfare of the baby, it's about how OP feels about leaving the baby (which is completely normal!).

Completely understand how you feel OP. I agreed to a weekend in Europe whilst pregnant for when my baby would be just over one and no longer bf. I had no idea what a major wrench this would be . I had a practice night away a few weeks before the actual weekend of two nights . I felt better once I had left DD, enjoyed myself and was thrilled to be home. DD had been happy at home with Daddy and Grandma. Good luck, whatever you decide 💐.

YANBU

Absolutely hate this trend of expensive, over the top hen/stag do's.

Over commercialised nonsense.

Use the time and money to go away with your little family.