To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Of course they won’t. They don’t even but your children a little present.

Ask them. You don't ask, you don't get. Maybe ask for a loan rather than a gift?

You know what the answer is. I wouldn't even ask. I'm confused as to why you moved closer to them when they make no effort? Did they want you to move nearer to them?

You know you can’t ask, but you should plan to move back to your country or somewhere you can buy. You can be very hoonest about why you’re moving, and if they wanted to they could offer then. But really they might be offended but they won’t offer and you will move away. Which sounds for the best?

I imagine they will be pissed off and consider you the queen of cheeky fuckers if you ask.
It's not for them to look after you I'm afraid.

Their son laughed. It is a non-starter.

what you can do is start making choices that prioritize your household’s financial well-being. Does that mean moving to a cheaper city? Perhaps you should return to your home country? You need to stop putting a relationship with PIL above your long-term
financial security.

Aw, OK guys. Thanks for being honest 😄.

There's no harm in asking, if they say no then at least you'll know it is definitely not an option

Ask sooner rather than later though, then you can start planning for your future

What are your other options? If you can't afford to buy or rent where you currently are, will you look at staying in the country but moving to a cheaper city or would you look at moving country altogether?

Did they want you to move with an eye on you helping them as they age? I can't think of any other reason why they'd encourage you over there. Maybe moving back might focus their minds to want to help you more.

Of course yabu.

You are two grown adults in full time employment. If you can't afford a house where you live, move somewhere less expensive. You don't need to be near your PILs and there is no close relationship to jeopardise.

Cut back on your life style to make savings.

I'm a single mum and I manage to buy a house by myself while caring for DS full time and working full time.

Why do you expect a handout?

OP made no mention of being encouraged by her in laws to move.

Perhaps the OP should hit her own parents up for a deposit.

@AllIWantToDo when we lived in different countries to them, they’d visit us all the time, at huge expense to them. We naively assumed they liked us and liked spending time with us, hence the move to their country. But now we live up the road, they never bother with us, but still visit those countries. It’s now clear to us that they weren’t coming to see us, they just wanted a holiday.

@Meadowfinch was that this century? How did you afford the deposit?

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year

I’d call this smart, not tight. Holidays over anything. Each to their own.

They can afford their lifestyle because they've made choices you consider "tight"

They moved to a different country to enjoy a better lifestyle they are retired and enjoying their time. That doesnt include babysitting.

If you cant afford it why are you there?
Move somewhere cheaper

“They can afford their lifestyle because they've made choices you consider "tight"”.

This 100%!

'How did you afford the deposit?'

I scrimped. Focused on that alone. While ds was tiny, I stayed in, no going out, no holidays, no takeaways, cooked from scratch, 10 year old car, careful with every penny. Rented the least expensive (truly grotty) one bed flat I could find, for me and ds. When they are tiny, kids don't notice. I suppose you'd call me tight too.

I only have one dc, but you have two salaries coming in.

And then I bought a doer-upper. Scruffy & tired. Needed a new kitchen & bathroom. New heating. Spent 5 years sorting it. Did much of the work myself. It isn't easy but it can be done.

@Meadowfinch I feel such a failure reading your post. I’ve really let my kids down 😢.

You haven't let your dcs down at all. Why would you say that? They are fed and clothed and happy. How have you let them down?

They've lived in a second country, mine never have. They have had a wider experience than mine.

Everyone makes choices. I chose to stay in the UK and prioritise buying a home. You chose something different. Not necessarily wrong.

Your post is about you affording a mortgage/deposit, but your dcs don't care whether you own your house or rent it.

If you want to ask them then ask them. Just don’t pressure your husband into doing it. Sounds like they’ll say no but no harm in asking. But as this thread has already shown if they’re frugal and you go out for brunch or drive nice cars etc they’re probably going to think you’re wasteful and shouldn’t be asking for help when you have cash for other things.

“oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

What makes you think that there will be money 'left over'? They might need it to fund their retirement and to supplement their pensions as they get older. Many people downsize for this reason.

I would be very embarrassed to ask someone for money, especially as you don't have a close relationship with them. Also, you seem very judgemental about what they spend their money on. They have (presumably) built up their wealth over their lives and now want to enjoy it.

As others have said, you've made a poor decision about where to move to so perhaps, as it hasn't worked out, it's time to move back (or move on) to somewhere more affordable.

Thanks for all your replies. I told myself I would go with the consensus so I am not going to ask. We have 8 weeks to find a new rental. Don’t fancy our chances to be honest, but we’ve got to try. If the worst comes to the worst, we’ll just have to join the tent people. I wish I was joking.

Anyway I’m feeling shitty and useless and entitled so I’ll leave the thread now.

Thanks for your replies.

I wouldn't even ask. I would make plans to move to a place with lower costs of living. Make a happy family and don't look back. Why hang around then you don't have any relations to PIL?

Ask your DH to tell them you are moving (not thinking about moving but moving) back to home country as you can't afford to live where you are and you really want to buy a home for your little family.
And see what their response is.

I'm assuming your in Australia ?

And as for wether you should ask....why not but be prepared for them to say no if they have no history of helping you or offering beforehand