To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

The in laws aren't selfish for just living their own lives and spending their own money on travel. They didn't suggest their son moved country to live close to them. It's quite a big move to undertake without ensuring that you will be OK financially.

If you want to ask them just ask it wouldn't hurt the worst that could happen is they say no.

I'd never ask them as you already know they're tight and your relationship isn't great.
If they wanted to give you it they would.

It doesn't sound like you're getting more family support or a better quality of life where you are. Why not move? Or at least tell the PILs you're seriously considering it because the rent situation is untenable and you can't afford to save for a deposit. Either they'll offer to help, or you'll know not to factor them in to your future plans.

Not to sideline the purpose of this thread but wanted to say well done to @Meadowfinch , and say that when I bought my first house in the early 1980s it was with a deposit I saved in exactly the same way. Things really haven’t changed so very much.

I would never ask anyone for money like this, it’s just not who I am. I’ve worked for everything myself.

In your case if anyone is asking them, it’s your partner - they aren’t even your parents so feels even more grabby and tasteless on that basis!

They have. Going without a Costa or netflix won't be getting you a house deposit now.

She doesn't expect a handout she is wondering whether she should ask. Plenty of people do it. I never had any help from parents or grandparents to buy my house but I don't see a problem with people who ask for help or get help. Everyone gets help somehow from either family or the state or their partner. No man is an island and I think it is a toxic society when people spout the me,myself and I am so independent stuff.

She doesn't expect a handout she is wondering whether she should ask. Plenty of people do it

Do they? Plenty of people ask their in laws for money for a deposit when their husband has 'screamed with laughter' about it and told them it will never happen?

I can’t understand this. I love holidays and have renovated my house but I’ve put money aside so my kids can have help buying their first home. I’m not well off so it means I have fewer holidays and expensive things . You’re not being unreasonable at all-you’re not asking for a house just help getting on the ladder. I can’t understand wealthy people who see their children really struggle.

You might aswell ask, what have you got to lose?

Agree, do this!

Does DH have siblings? If not, more likely most of their assists will eventually be going to him anyways.
Maybe they will offer for you to move into their big house, and you can help maintain/pay bills.

They can be tight/frugal but hopefully not want to see their grandchildren homeless.

You'll get people saying they don't owe you anything, they are entitled to their holidays etc. Whilst that is technically true, PIL have come from a completely different set of circumstances when housing, cost of living etc was not completely out of control like it is now. So yes they've got a paid off mortgage and can enjoy a luxurious lifestyle of holidays and good for them but any loving family would want to share that good fortune with their children and grandchildren if they were in a position to help them along in life at a time where childcare and housing is such a struggle and source of stress. Personally, I'd be looking to relocate to a more affordable area/country. What about living near your family instead and the PIL can go back to visiting if that's all they are interested in 🤷‍♀️

I am thinking she could be in Ireland, the housing crisis is dire in Ireland everywhere, queues of people happy to rent anything, in some cases sharing a bed with one working nights and other working days.

There are over 100ish asylum applicants sleeping in tents handed out by government departments. There is nowhere to put them.

Rent is crazy and childcare is equivalent of second mortgage even with subsidies. The problem is everywhere every rural areas are seeing it as people move further and further out.

Selfish because OP moved to give better relationship and presumably that was agreed with PIL and now once they moved they don't want anything to do with them....

It doesn't sound like the location is working for you all, so it would be better to make plans to move.

I think it is ok for their son to ask politely if they have plans to gift any house deposit money, then take the expected no. I think it should be phrased as a question about their plans to take them into account, but not to directly ask for a gift. I also don't think it is reasonable at all for an in law to do the same; you should be asking your own parents if you want financial support.

Do you like the country you're living in OP (is it US? 😂) or would you consider moving back to the UK?
Because if you're purely staying there for PILs, I'd consider moving.

This is a crisis growing around the world and our politicians are doing nothing to prevent it or solve it . Despite massive housebuilding in my area , very little is affordable.

Move back to your own country if the situation there is that dire. There’s no point at all living in a country you can’t afford to live in when your reasons for living there are your PIL who don’t actually want you there.

OP, you shouldn’t feel bad for asking the question on here.
I hope you haven’t been put off by the responses to the extent that you are no longer reading this.

I go against the majority and say yes, because they are freeing up the money tied up in their property, now is exactly the right time to ask them to consider a long term loan. You can ask respectfully, laying out a financial plan and allowing them to see how close you are to being evicted. You cant afford to buy without help with a deposit. That is the plight of many young people today and normally, parents wouldn’t dream of seeing their families on the street if they had the finances to help. So in my view, it isn’t a cheeky question, especially if you show them that you don’t feel you are entitled to their money. It is simply an investment for them. Have all the figures ready to show exactly how it would help secure a modest house in a good school area for their grandchildren, on which you could afford the mortgage and current childcare costs.
Of course you must be prepared for them to say no, as that seems very likely, but I would certainly put your plan forward with confidence as a sound investment if you can persuade your DH that it’s a sensible, intelligent request which is worth their consideration.

They could give you a deposit. I would. In fact I did. I had a large inheritance (different, I know) and gave both my sons deposits for homes in London. If your kids don’t come first I don’t know what kind of life you’re living x

Agree. I don’t get it either

I wouldn't ask them but I would tell then about the issues with your rental and the difficulties of saving a deposit. If they're prepared to say yes then they'll offer and if not, they won't say anything and you haven't had to ask.

Could you ask them for a loan instead?

This doesn't seem so cheeky and allows you to set out the issues they are perhaps unaware of with the rental market.

Don't ask for an immediate answer. Just, this is the situation and we need to look at every option to try and find a way through.

Do you want to stay where you are? It doesn't sound like you have much holding you there but aware your OP can't contain all information.

Why just your in-laws? What about your parents - could they help you? I gifted a deposit to my only daughter with absolute pleasure and she knows it was freely given. If the in-laws wanted to gift you then they would suggest it surely?

You and your husband need to think of another way and help yourselves to achieve your goal of house ownership. How about starting a savings fund?