To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

I would ask.
They are likely from a generation that one income could support the family so have no real understanding on childcare finances.
They saw you as a cheap/free alternative to hotel when you lived in a different country.
Your children need a roof over their heads. You seem to have put your children's needs (relationship with grandparents) first like any other parent and just need to continue to do.
You won't lose any relationship with them and that's on them.
It's just money and they can always say no. You could reframe it to say that your children are about to become homeless and you need their inheritance to put a roof over their heads.

I don't think your grabby or entitled. People have been harsh.

Do your Pil know your financial/housing situation is precarious? Sometimes the older generation are blissfully unaware times are different now. If they already know you are struggling and show no interest in helping or any concern then yes, the gift might be a non starter.

But they could be completely unaware you are struggling. I'd just tell them it's difficult, explain about the rent and see what their response is...? You don't need to ask for anything, just tell the truth.

I think you’re a grabby CF if I’m being completely honest, ask YOUR parents for the money if you’re struggling that much.

I think you just need tell them you re moving where you can afford. If they want you to stay, they will offer money. Seems unlikely though. Shame it didn't work out as the family bonding you hoped for.

I'm another going to assume you're living in Australia? Outer Brisbane? It is that hard here to get a rental, I feel so so sorry for locals dealing with the current rental crisis. I think you've been badly spoken to on this thread, of course it wouldn't be unreasonable to ask them but be prepared they may say no. Would they really see their grandchildren live in a tent? Would moving back to the UK be an option?

If the worst comes to the worst, we’ll just have to join the tent people. I wish I was joking

Or, look to go back to the place you came from initially if it has less of a housing crisis?

AmITheGrabbyDIL, yes, yes you are. I wouldn’t even bother asking them

Do not. Please.

I guess it's time to start looking for jobs back home, and start planning around that.

Time to move, either home country you can afford or another part of the country you're in. Write PIL off and keep in touch from a distance.

I would with the expectation they'll say no, but at least you've explored the option. I'd go in with a plan regarding using a solicitor and a payment plan so they know its above board and you will pay it back. Give then the proposal and request they think about it and get back to you so they know there's no pressure and negative consequences if they say no.

I’d ask-give them the opportunity. They don’t have to but if you don’t ask you don’t get.

This

Also Australia is not the UK, some of you are not thinking with "just move"! The population is incredibly concentrated into a relatively small part of the country. That means finding new jobs, new housing, new everything -- and it's not cheap.

If the other alternative is "homeless with your kids in a tent" then sucking up the cost of moving is probably the only choice they have - whether that's to another part of Australia (if it is Australia) or back home again.

@Ozmumofboys3 I'm another going to assume you're living in Australia? Outer Brisbane? It is that hard here to get a rental, I feel so so sorry for locals dealing with the current rental crisis

It’s not just Brissie. I’m in Sydney and it’s the same all over here, several hundred going for the same place. It’s no different all up and down the coast, places like coffee shops and cafe’s shut in many towns as staff can no longer get local rentals and it’s not feasible for someone to travel 2hr each way to get to a minimum wage job (fair enough). It’s a new form of Great Depression for us as while there are jobs, people can’t work in them as they can’t get any form of housing in a reasonable distance and the only places with limited housing have zero jobs. My grandparents talked often of the tent /shanty cities set up on the beaches here in the 30’s Depression (one in Sydney actually got wiped out one night with freak wave with associated deaths). Same thing starting now but not on the beaches!

If your dh laughed then it doesn’t sound like it’s a goer. That said, if you don’t find anywhere suitable to rent surely they would put you up short term? Obvious it’s harder if the big house has been sold

do you actually like where you are living? If not consider coming back to the UK. Housing especially renting is tricky here but living in tents is not really a thing

intrigued to know where this is

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year

I’d call this smart, not tight. Holidays over anything. Each to their own yep, me too!

Why on earth would you uproot your children's lives to live abroad without doing the smallest bit of research into whether you could afford to live there and what your quality of life would be? Did your PIL have a change of personality overnight or could you have reasonably predicted that they wouldn't show much interest?

Move home, leave the selfish twats to their expensive country

I say: ask! As a pp said: if you don't ask you don't get.

It might not have occurred to them but they can't take it with them and their son will inherit some of their profits hopefully anyway so maybe they'll realise the wisdom of passing it on now

Are you in Ireland? It's widely acknowledged that young people cannot buy a house here without help, particularly in Dublin.

Why are the in-laws selfish, exactly?

I think it’s very sad you’ve moved presumably expecting a better quality of life and it’s actually worse.

I would talk to your pil about a loan - be honest about your situation- and see what they agree to.

It's ridiculous isn't it! There literally just isn't the housing for everyone. We're planning to sell our house in the next 6 months and will have to line up settlements as not like it'll be easy to sell, rent and look for a property like you could have done a few years ago.

Feel so sorry for people, don't know what the solution is 🤷‍♀️

5 years ago the country may not have been in a rental crisis and the OP could comfortable afford rent.

I don’t think you can ask after your partner has said not to. It could completely destroy your relationship with the ILs.

If they’re young enough to enjoy travel then I think it’s a bit rough to expect them to sit at home in their apartment while funding your housing. Do they have other children? That’s another consideration.

They could still have another twenty years of life ahead of them and they have no idea what their future needs might be.

I agree you might need to reassess whether staying where you are is the right choice.