To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

I would start looking overseas. Suspect you are probably in the same country as me and it’s much cheaper to even live in Tokyo than any of our major cities. Make sure that wherever you go is far too small for guests.

It sounds like they think money is tight because of how they budget for things they want. You can ask, but if you’re not close I don’t see why they would…

I don’t think it would be Australia - the rental market is tight here but people with two salaries aren’t living in tents 😁. Cities here are big and spread out and you can easily move to a cheaper area, especially in Sydney where the public transport is reliable and cheap. I assumed it would be America.

Are you in Australia OP? I suspect some here don't realise how truly awful the housing situation is there, even compared to the UK (you're not joking about the tents).

Either way, I'd say fuck it! I'd ask in the context of having to relocate to home/other country and when they say no take that as you final cue they will never help. And when you get yourself sorted be less available for holidays.

All the best OP, some here have been unnecessarily unkind .

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP and you’re certainly not a failure. Is moving to a cheaper country a possibility? I’m going to go against the grain here and say it could be worth having the conversation with your PIL. An honest and frank conversation, they may surprise you and if not then at least you’ve tried.

and maybe approach it as a loan instead of a gift? So if your mortgage will cost x amount less than your rent before the rise, that’s the amount you’ll pay back per month (as a suggestion). I can’t imagine there are many parents out there who know their kids are struggling to the point of needing to consider living in a tent and can help but won’t.

wishing you all the best.

I feel like you already know its a bit entitled, but at the same time, I do see where you're coming from - it definitely feels a bit tone deaf to see your family struggle while you're regularly holidaying and yet complaining about money.

At the end of the day though, it's their money and what they do with it is their prerogative.

I think proposing a low interest loan (with the added hope they don't charge any interest!) would be the reasonable ask.

Asking for a gift is well into the territory of CFery.

I’m a bit surprised at the number of people assuming Australia. (Im in Australia)

Please don't feel useless@AmITheGrabbyDIL

JUST ASK!

You will lose nothing! Personally I would ask for a loan rather than a gift!

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it is Australia.
I currently rent from family members, and pay nowhere near market rate - I am still paying more than 75% of my fortnightly disability payment in rent.

Figures just out show there are 21 places (room/unit/house) across Australia that I could afford to rent.
Public Housing waiting lists are in the decades, many don’t even bother to apply as they will never get to the top of the list.

Why don't you suggest a swap? You move to their house and take out a mortgage- enough to buy them a flat. Offer to pay a set amount back a month towards the big house. If the two amounts (mortgage and house repayment) are equal to or less than your rent, you're on a winner financially.
We did this with my parents. It worked well.

Edited for fat fingers

Very strange set up. Written in a very martyr ish tone. Like you moved there solely for them and you’ve been let down. Why don’t you move if it doesn’t make financial sense.

I don’t know why you don’t see them more, I always stand up for people on mn because it doesn’t always occur to the op that maybe they’re tired/ have their own crap etc. Also we all do the ‘ah I must call over’ thing and then are too busy/ conversely overly chilled to actually make the effort!

As for the money thing do people not get that the reason they have money is that they watch it and that’s most likely to fund their retirement? When you stop working I would assume you suddenly have no options to make any extra money and you have a finite don’t know how long you’re going to live!

Saying that the person above who said you should do a swap house for flat, that’s a great idea! And do let them know you’re struggling financially (but try not to let your other opinions come out!!)

By the way I also feel the need to say on them not helping with childcare more, I watch gps struggle with kids at the playground and at 43, arthritis, a bad back and chest I can’t even fathom in 20 years dealing with young children and think they deserve a medal!

I think it probably is. She never said two-income families are in tents, just families in tents, which is true.

Unfortunately the cheaper areas are usually on the outskirts of cities with limited or no public transport. It’s that, or go for a cheaper suburb closer to the city with massive social problems and high crime rates.

I was just going off the fact that she said they might end up in a tent, but presumably they have two incomes and they’re still struggling (only based off the OP not mentioning anything unusual that would prevent one of them working).
Im only basing my knowledge on Sydney really where there are plenty of areas that are nice and are affordable for two income families. I do appreciate it might be harder in the more rural areas.

I would have no qualms at moving though in their position if they only moved to be closer to the PILs who aren’t bothered anyway.

More on the house swap idea so you can see how we pitched it (calmly and sensibly with a plan and won... which was the only way to do it with my very 'tight' DF)

The figures on this are just hypothetical!

Big house value: 500k
Flat value: 200k

We 'bought' the big house from my Dp's for 210k (200 for flat money 10k for fees etc- we covered that as part of the deal)
Mortgage around 1k a month.

We then pay an extra 250 a month back towards the big house (interest free) so chipping off 3k a year. Parents use this to pay flat council tax etc which is handy for them.

Bit more complicated if dh has siblings, if so agree in advance a plan, ie flat sold at time passing value, but big house valued at date you bought it, then ensure the 3k a year 'parental mortgage' is deducted from value, ie you get that back as it was paid towards house purchase.

Hope that makes sense.

We were in your position. It's tough getting a house these days and as they are Mortgage free, this does feel like a good option- you never know, they might go for it!

This.
Don't degrade yourself by scrounging.

If you don’t ask you don’t get. So do ask - the worst that can happen is they say no.

If it’s a no then you and your husband need to decide if you should move somewhere cheaper or cut your living expenses or both so you can afford a house.

She isn’t.

A huge number of people have help from families these days to buy, because the market is crazy.

If you can get help, it would be foolish not to take it.

Can’t believe that was your first thought. Bloody hell.

If that was me, I'd want my own house. There is nothing for you near your pil. They don't visit, offer child care, nothing. I'd return home and start saving up for a deposit. Explain to pil that you're struggling financially in their country, and you want to buy a house. So you're moving back home. Prioritie your family's needs. I couldn't rent long term, because how could you afford it when retired, with rising rent?

Australia's in a terrible place at the moment housing wise & people are absolutely living in tents & no. 2 incomes doesn't get you a house anymore if 40+ people are also on 2 incomes & the cost of housing has almost doubled in 5 years. But yes america would be another option I hadn't thought of

Out of curiosity OP where abouts are you & were there other reasons for moving/staying there or was it always about your inlaws ?

Sometimes, what people consider a “hand-out” can be more of a “hand-up.”

I don’t think I’d necessarily ask them to give you the money - because that does sound grabby. But working out a reasonable loan once you and your husband explain your circumstances to them and a reasonable repayment plan, doesn’t sound too outrageous.

Good luck, @AmITheGrabbyDIL

I would definitely ask for a loan, but not a gift. Have you told them about your rent being put up? As you don't see them very much have you considered relocating?

This. There is no close realationship to protect. You have to go where you can afford because honestly they have made it pretty clear you are not important to them. It's sad and they sound like jerks but it is what it is.

Yes her pill are making choices so they can afford holidays however they are apparently constantly moaning about money?
And saying they can't afford to buy each other an Xmas present?

Op can you move somewhere else?