To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

They live together, married with children and she wants money for home for all of them.
It is not like she is planning to ask money to get her boobs done.
It is depressing her DH is sure own parents will not give him money. Sad.

So, even more reason to ask her own parents not just rely on his.
What makes hers off limits as you said they're married with children. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If she is willing to hold her hand out to one set of parents and not the other that says a lot. They're not her pay wicket.

OP clearly wrote that DHs parents sold house and downsized and have some money left.
It is reasonable to ask person with extra money for money. I am not sure why you struggle to understand that.

She doesn't want to jeaprodise her own parents retirement. Her in laws though, she's willing to chance it.

So in other words, she's a greedy and happy to use for her own gain. I'm laughing along with her husband at the thought.

I have a great relationship with my children, hate to burst your bubble. Hope you feel better soon.

Maybe in your world, but most people wouldn't have the brass balls to ask their in-laws to hand them over thousands of pounds!

It isn't reasonable to ask anyone for money.
The money has not been offered and OP even said a gift. This is what I'm struggling with. Not a loan

Why do you make difference between helpinv with money and helping in another way?

Just because asking for help and gifting money is not normal in your family, it does not mean it is an universal rule. A lot of families see asking for money as asking for any other form of help.

I hope your PIL have downsized to be able to help you.

They might have downsized because they have run out of money though and if so that isn't going to make them feel very generous.

Compromise and ask for a loan of the smallest amount that will allow you to buy.

OP never mentiones asking for thousans of pounds.
If they are on the verge of being made homeless, it is perfectly normal to share that with closest family and ask if they can help with deposit. It would obviously be on inlaws to decide what amount is ok for them to gift.
I would very much hope my DS shares such issues with me.

Well, a house deposit isn't going to be a few hundred pounds, is it? Of course it's going to be thousands

There's also a massive difference between telling someone that you're struggling and asking them to just hand over a large amount of money, especially when they're not even your own parents!

Many families have very open conversation about the money and don't see asking for it and gifting it as an issue.

I would not see problem in a qustion:
"We are being evicted and struggle to find a place, ideally we would like to have security and buy. If you have spare money from the house sale could you please help us with deposit?
It would be massive help to receive such gift and have permanent home for us and children"

Worst case they will say no.

If it were her parents she was asking, that would be completely different.

But she's talking about her husbands' parents - and he doesn't want to ask them and has made it quite clear that they would say no. So that should be the end of the discussion IMO. It's not her place to override his wishes when it comes to his own family.

But I would never, ever ask my parents for money like that. I would feel massively entitled to go to them and basically say "I know you've got spare money now, so can I have it?" 😬

Because they have extra money.
Surelly OP would ask her parents if they had it.

And she never said she will override his wishes. Just that for DH even idea of asking parents for money is worth laughing at as he is so sure they will not give them any.
I would be beyond sad if my DS thought he cannot ask me for help!)

I am team OP, she is mother trying to secure her children a permanent home. Asking closest family should not be a taboo.

She hasn't said anything about her parents, so we don't know either way.

At the end of the day, these aren't her parents so it's not her place to ask them for anything without her husband's agreement, so that's the end of the discussion, really.

Whether you'd be sad about your DS not asking you for help is also completely irrelevant to OP's situation.

Irrelevan really?
OP is exactly in a situation where poor DH does not believe his own parents would help him out.
"I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter . He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit. "

Because gifting money might jeaprodise the in laws retirement.

Of course it's irrelevant. Your hypothetical feelings of sadness towards your DS have nothing to do with the DH's relationship with his parents.

You have no idea why he doesn't feel comfortable asking - maybe they've already given him money before, or maybe he knows more about their finances than he's letting on. It could be anything - it's not necessarily that they're bad or selfish people.

It clearly isn't normal in their family or her husband wouldn't have laughed

Exactly!

I have no idea why people are banging on about how normal it is in their families, lol, it's completely irrelevant.

Perhaps the money from the downsizing is not as 'extra' as you and the OP presume it is.