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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

380 replies

AmITheGrabbyDIL · 26/04/2024 01:27

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

OP posts:
Eggplant44 · 27/04/2024 15:48

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 14:08

Irrelevan really?
OP is exactly in a situation where poor DH does not believe his own parents would help him out.
"I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter . He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit. "

Show quote history

Again, perhaps he knows more about their financial situation than the OP'S assumption of 'extra money' .

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 16:21

@Eggplant44
@fieldsofbutterflies

In short, gifting money to children is normal in many families. Imo there is no hurt in OP asking.
If DHs family does not want to give it, they can just say so. She is asking capable adults.

I am not wasting more time on your ten replys on this. Go, keep your money for yourself lol.
Bye

fieldsofbutterflies · 27/04/2024 16:27

LondonFox · 27/04/2024 16:21

@Eggplant44
@fieldsofbutterflies

In short, gifting money to children is normal in many families. Imo there is no hurt in OP asking.
If DHs family does not want to give it, they can just say so. She is asking capable adults.

I am not wasting more time on your ten replys on this. Go, keep your money for yourself lol.
Bye

Right, but it's clearly not normal in this family.

So again, what's normal in your family is completely bloody irrelevant, lol.

horseyhorsey17 · 28/04/2024 15:04

weirdoboelady · 26/04/2024 17:00

This is gonna be a harsh post. It's just devil's advocate stuff, to help the OP see things from a different POV, and maybe address them if any of the points hit a sore spot.

Imagine another thread on MN

SELFISH KIDS FOLLOWED US HALFWAY ROUND THE WORLD TRYING TO EXTRACT OUR LIFETIME SAVINGS FROM US.

We are a couple in our late 60s with plenty of life left in us. We emigrated to Australia once our kids were established (or so we thought). For clarity, the kids have good jobs. We've never been particularly interested in the GC although we like to see them every so often. We love travelling and prioritise this above spending money on many other areas of our life.

To our horror, my DS and his wife have also emigrated to live near us, and seemed to expect us to do loads of childcare for them. Wouldn't you think they would have discussed this with us, or at least made provision for childcare, before taking such a big step as emigrating? But no, they seem to be the epitome of whinging poms, expecting free childcare from us. We have refused the majority of these requests.

We know there's a rental crisis going on in Oz (there's one in the UK as well, I believe!). It's been obvious that this has been coming for a while, but of course the kids didn't realise this, and their rent is now going up.

Alongside this, we are moving to a smaller property. A friend has now warned us that our kids are likely to come sniffing around for any 'spare' money that we have lying around. Do MNers honestly think that we should prioritise giving money to improvident kids over spending it enjoying the remainder of our lives?

We might be prepared to lend them some money if they were a bit more upfront with us and showed some financial responsibility. We could even imagine a scenario where we lent them money for a deposit (which I understand is their current problem) at a rate of interest which is what we might expect on our savings but would be less than they'd have to pay on a mortgage. But at the moment they don't even seem to have thought of drawing up a budget for anything as sensible as this.

No way are we handing over our lifetime savings or any part of it as a gift to kids who haven't demonstrated any financial sense! Are we BU?

I'd lose any sympathy for them when they said they weren't interested in their own grandchildren. It's clear from that point on that they're just selfish bellends.

BlueMooonn · 28/04/2024 21:46

I'd lose any sympathy for them when they said they weren't interested in their own grandchildren. It's clear from that point on that they're just selfish bellends.

This is just a nonsense trope. It just doesn't follow not being interested in grandchildren means someone is selfish.

There is no law that says grandparents must be interested in grandchildren - not least because they have no say in how many there are OR who their own child has children with. They didn't choose to have them.

My BILs parents aren't interest in his grandchildren because his wife is a selfish narcissist who is vile to them - it's hard to be really interested in children when they are half a person you hate. (not saying this is the situation here - just pointing out that it doesn't follow that not being interested in grandchildren does not equal being selfish)

Very young babies aren't very interesting if they aren't your own. Little children that aren't your own (even if related) can be ultra annoying.

And for lots of grandparents today, there is a trend to view them as free child care so that actually maybe a reason to present as not-very-interested and a bit cool, when the children are younger to avoid being used and abused as a free childcare service when you are older, tired and want to spent life enjoying your retirement without hard labour unasked for!

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