To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Ask for the deposit after moving into your tent. I think the massive guilt trip will work in your favor

Why don’t you find the middle ground and get your DP to mention what you’ve said - that the rent has gone up so you need to find somewhere else, you’d like to buy but can’t afford a deposit etc.

Depending on their reaction, you can then both decide whether to ask outright.

If they know you need a deposit and they have the money for it but still don’t offer, then you know what the outcome is likely to be.

It doesn't sound like you thought through the idea of moving abroad properly - you only mention the in-laws as a reason, there's nothing in your posts about the actual practicalities of it all.

I agree with the posters who said you need to sit down and actually consider what you can afford and whether living there long-term is a viable prospect for you and your DC.

I agree. They are spending their money how they want.

I wouldn't bother asking them for a deposit, Op 😔.

I’d like to know as well!

Queen of cheeky fuckers 😆

You're adults with two children. Your life choices are your responsibility.
I know lots of people will disagree with me, but in life it's better to be self reliant.
I would assume though, somewhere down the line there will be a generous inheritance?

OP you need to move, either somewhere cheaper in your current country or move back.
This isn’t PIL’s problem.
Even if they saw your DCs you’d still be in this position.
You moved there for what you thought was a good reason but it didn’t turn out to be the right decision
you are responsible for your own financial wellbeing. It would be lovely to have people help us out but you cannot ask when your DH laughed at the idea. You’d become the grabby DIL in PIL’s eyes and ruin the relationship you do have.

@Avatartar - exactly this.

My mother is what you would term 'tight'. She would never impulse buy anything or buy a bottle of water if she's thirty she's been like that her whole life. She grew up very poor.

She's eighty now and she's very comfortable financially. She lives in a big house. Last week she bought a four thousand pound TV (on my Costco as it was £30 cheaper...) because the one she had had for two decades finally stopped working. The remote was held together with tape for at least five years. She's always gone on lots of holidays. Next week she's going to corfu with her friends.

Your parents in law clearly value travel and holidays. There's nothing wrong with that. There is no way they are going to give you money for a deposit!

The OP has said her childcare costs are
astronomical but she thought her PIL would help out with childcare.

You can ask but so far their behaviour seems a tad self first so you won’t have high expectations from them. My parents downsized but keep their savings for their care in the future. I would consider your life choices. Moving there hasn’t worked out as you thought. Are you happy there or would you rather be somewhere less expensive where you can buy. Would living where you used to be a better option as pil aren’t involved much?

Your dh knows the answers no so save your dignity and manage your life and finances yourself. If that means moving back to the country you lived in before so be it.

Meadowfinch clearly lives in an inexpensive part of the country. What she's described, though worthy, would be impossible where I live, unless on an absolutely vast salary. And I'm not even in the most expensive of areas.

It seems that you don't live in a cheap area either, so don't berate yourself.

You're getting a hard time here OP, but I don't understand why you are still living where you are. Can you not move back to where you were before or somewhere cheaper where you can have a better quality of life?

The trouble is that you've made a lot of assumptions about relying on others when you made your choices.
Think about how you can life more affordably without others supporting you.

Don't ask then , just move elsewhere ( yeah , I know "just move" it's not as easy as that )

But imagine if you ask and they make vague positive responses When we've sold up and bought the new place/after our next cruise/I'm waiting to have my hip done they could leave you dangling and might secretly enjoy the situation where they;re in power .

Plan to move and do it , don't involve them .
If they are desperate to see you , they can visit you

I'd turn up one their doorstep for a visit, then turns into not leaving and staying 😂

You have nothing to lose seeing as you don't have a meaningful relationship with them.

we cannot afford to stay in our current house.
that bit there
They can't afford it so they need ti move somewhere cheaper.
I live in one of the cheaper parts of the UK. I couldn't afford to live in London, so I don't. I live within my means.

Could you suggest that rather than sell their big house asset you buy the flat for them to live in, and you then live in their big house?

Are you talking about my PIL? Could've written this myself. The frustrating thing about my PIL is that they never make the effort to see us and invest in a relationship with us. They too are minted and travel loads, but scrimp on gifts, heating, etc etc - maybe it's a generation thing. My PIL are new money so both of them didn't have a lot growing up...maybe that affects their relationship to money now? They'll say they don't have any but they are millionaires of you dissolved all their assets.

I wonder if there's a lot of hurt from the lack of love they've shown to you, as I know that's how I feel - I am grieved because they don't care. People talk about how their parents love their grandkids, isn't it amazing being a grandparent etc etc ... And we don't see that in our family. There's no gifts, no quality time, no helping out, no affirmations or encouragement... And it just leads to be us feeling unloved. By all means definitely ask, but expect that they'll say no and make a plan B.

Lots of love to you and I completely empathise with your situation relationally. All the best. ❤

They may very well have their finances for their later years planned out precisely so that they can stay in their own home but pay for care costs/ house modifications etc if needed, so unwise to assume that they have lots of cash jusr sloshing about in the bank. It may very well be earmarked already.

I would not ask for a lump sum but would present the idea suggested by a previous PP of swapping homes and paying them the uplift. Of course this means they are wholly reliant on you keeping your jobs and being able to pay what you owe which they might not be comfortable doing.

I'm puzzled though as to why you're staying there given life is so expensive and your PILs are not interested in their DGC. Time to move on?

I don't think it's America, there really isn't anywhere comparable here to the Australian rental crisis. It's bad, but Australia makes it look like paradise. And the crisis has worsened in the past few years so it wasn't necessarily foreseeable when they went. It's very easy to evict tenants and landlords are doing so and relisting properties at a massive markup.

Also Australia is not the UK, some of you are not thinking with "just move"! The population is incredibly concentrated into a relatively small part of the country. That means finding new jobs, new housing, new everything -- and it's not cheap.

OP, you've had a hard time on here. Your in-laws sound pretty awful actually, mean and tight and lacking in any empathy or family feeling. To plead poverty no less then take business class flights tales some balls. People like that are unlikely to respond positively to your approaching them for a deposit unfortunately but you could ask them for a loan I guess (but probably at market rates 🙄). They sound just awful, your husband must be mortified..

(I think you are never going to get a penny from the PIL though so it's a waste of time, but there's no easy solution in this kind of systemic crisis.)