To ask PIL to gift us the deposit for a house?

[AmITheGrabbyDIL]

Backstory… PIL live abroad. We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life and so that the DC could have a relationship with their GP. It hasn’t quite worked out like that. We barely see PIL (their choice) and they have no interest in the GC.

Since we moved here we have rented. The rental market here is in crisis. There are roughly 60 people going for each vacant property and families living in tents as they can’t find anywhere to live.

We earn enough to buy a house but would need a large deposit. We don’t earn enough to pay our exorbitant rent AND save.

Out of the blue, our landlord has increased our rent by the equivalent of over £100 per week and we cannot afford to stay in our current house.

Our childcare costs are astronomical. To be honest, I guess I expected PIL to help out a bit, given that they’re fit and healthy and live down the road. But no. They’ve never helped.

PIL are well-off but extremely tight. They will never put the heating on, yet spend a fortune on multiple holidays per year. They’ve always been the same in the 15 years I’ve known them. They never buy anything for the DC or pay for anything for them. They constantly complain about having no money but still manage all these expensive holidays. They are about to go on holiday to a long-haul destination and have booked business class. This is after telling us at Christmas that they couldn’t afford to buy each other Christmas presents.

So anyway they have just announced that they are selling their big house and moving to a flat as they no longer want the responsibility of their huge garden. Mortgage was paid up 30 years ago. And I know this sounds extremely grabby, but my first thought was, “oh, they’ll have lots of money left over. They could gift us the money for a deposit.”

I am 99% sure they will say No. But I’m really worried about our housing situation so I think it’s worth asking.

I did mention it to DH and he screamed with laughter 😆. He said there is no way in a million years they’d give us the money for a deposit.

Anyway, AIBU for wanting to ask them? Please be honest. Thanks.

Also nothing wrong with asking, nothing wrong with then saying no.

If you ask they may say yes if you don’t ask it is 100% wrong.
I would put it in a text message or email rather than ask them face to face that way they have a chance to think it over. Put down cost of childcare and rent etc so they have all the facts.

Why would you make your kids live in a tent? Where your living isn’t viable for you or in future for your children.

You need to stop making assumptions about money and do some serious planning.

What an awful thing to say. Scrounging?! I hope if you have kids you don’t make them feel like that’s what they’ll be doing if they ever come to you for help. I’d love nothing more than knowing my kids felt safe and comfortable enough to come to me in times of need.

Sounds like you would genuinely be better off moving to London…!

look your pil are not going to be close family and where you live in not working for you…. so move.

also while @Meadowfinchs post is a bit harsh. There’s a kernel of truth in it. You haven’t prioritised housing.

i lived in shit holes and had a strict budget etc bought a total dump and didn’t go on holidays for over 2 years as all cash went on work and materials.
we delayed children to secure a house.
i did this because it was super important to me.
Everyone is making choices.

I do appreciate it’s tough
it’s also hard when family can help but won’t help (the reality is a lot of peoples parents DO gift them deposits)
you just aren’t in that position (neither was I) need to cut your cloth accordingly

No need to feel shitty because of responses on here. You're not in the same situation as any of them.

Put your big girl pants on and work out where and how you can make life work financially. I wouldn't even bother asking PILs for a handout. You've moved countries before, you can do it again if needed.

I wouldn't ask for a deposit but I would ask them to temporarily house you and your young children if you can't find anywhere to live and end up homeless. That should focus their minds on your problems a bit, so when you tell them you're moving somewhere cheaper it doesn't come as a surprise.

They have no interest in you or your family, never help out or buy anything for your children, they don't even put the heating on but you think they might give you money towards a deposit?

No harm in asking

YWNBU to think that many or even most parents would help their DC in this scenario, but clearly they are not going to do so so you may as well put it out of your head and make other plans.

It doesn't sound like the move has worked so you may need to think about moving back or at least moving further from your PIL.

(I've just advised another poster not to give their DC more, but that's a very different situation on both sides.)

That's maybe deciding not to buy each other presents and having a holiday instead

The lifestyle you have near your PIL isn’t great, and they don’t want to spend time with your or help you out. Move back. Increase your security and your kids standard of living.

I see no problem at all in asking. Assume some of their estate will be eventually going to your DH anyway, so it’s just a bit of early inheritance when it is needed most.

I really do not see it as grabbie at all if your PIL have some money to share.

From an inheritance tax POV it can be quite sensible to start releasing money from your estate to your children (depending on the tax in whichever country you live).

Depends greatly on their financial situation though, and how much they have saved for elderly years. Care homes, for example, can be crippling financially so they might have set aside an extremely large chunk for that just in case that’s needed. So it might seem like they have a big bag of cash but in reality they may have it allocated.

If they can spare some funds, ideally accept only as a gift though. Not a loan if you can help it. It changes the family dynamic entirely and if you can’t repay one month it will be awkward. Again, from a tax POV doesn’t make sense either as you’ll repay that loan from your taxed income, and be taxed again when you eventually inherit it anyway.

And if they won’t or can’t give you anything then at least you know what the score is. But no harm is asking!!

Finally, if your husband sees no point in having the conversation, then it might be a non starter anyway.

Yes but they are obviously pushing how hard up they are?
Obviously they are not hard up at all they are priorising different things with their money

God no! If they want you to have their money they will offer. never ask for money. Presumably they are retired. They will need their money to continue to have the types of holidays they like. Your family’s circumstances are your responsibility not your in-laws.

I don't see the harm in asking and I'd probably ask in your shoes.

They can always say no.

You literally have nothing to lose by asking. Literally nothing!

Absolutely ask them, it won’t do too much harm.

I would also be considering whether you are enjoying living where you are or whether moving would give you a better quality of life- I’d also be telling them this at some point.

We (DH, DS, DD and myself) moved here 5 years ago for a better life

If you're living beyond your means then move somewhere you can afford.

It’s totally reasonable to ask, but you sound extremely entitled. You moved to another country expecting them to be free babysitting and financial help. When reasonable people would discuss this ahead of time. They raised their kids, they don’t owe you their retirement.

How are they living beyond their means? They haven’t said they’re paying for things on credit.

It sounds like they are probably downsizing both thinking about their future being easier to live in a flat but also to release capital for their lifestyle. If they want to spend that capital on nice holidays then I don’t think it’ll just be free to gift to your family. A loan could work though if they were interested then you could pay them back steadily. It seems like they plan to spend that money on their retirement though.

If I were your dh I’d ask for temporary help with housing, could you move in with them in 4 weeks time? Ultimately though, I’d move back or could you afford to buy a flat yourselves? Once you’re on the housing ladder it would be easier to move to a house in the future. If it is Australia like people suggest a 2/3 bed flat is a lot cheaper than the equivalent-sized house, unlike in UK or Europe.

I would ask too

They don't bother with you now so you've nothing to lose. If they get offended and tell you you're being grabby then you know where you stand.

Then you can make plans to move if you need to.

For another perspective. My PIL are tight despite being very wealthy. They don't spend much day to day and give token presents and talk as if they need to be ultra frugal.

But they actually like being asked to help out financially - I think it makes them feel valued/useful. For example we were struggling a few years back - one income, moved area for work and struggling to sell our house. They helped us out with rent for 6 months but we had to ask. We were very grateful!!

Maybe now is time to review whether living on that country is worthwhile. If you moved to be close to pil but neither are benefitting nor can you afford a better lifestyle.

What was your plan for affording housing when you moved there? Were you led to believe pil would help and then let down? You must have had some idea of costs of housing in the country you moved to?

Given their indifference I think you have to swallow your pride and move somewhere you can afford. I wouldn't ask for anything from them. If they weren't well off you'd have to manage.