Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

Life isn't fair unfortunately. I'll get naff all from any of my relatives as will many people so he should count himself lucky.

Presumably with the age gap DS isn't very close to MIL ? It would be different imo if he had considered her a grandmother.

If they’re directly inheriting from their grandmother, he’ll have to accept it. She’s not his relative.

But if you inherit on her death, you can make additional provision for him.

It is fair no matter how much your eldest son resents it. He should be annoyed at his Dad not at your MIL.

You’re being more than fair in my opinion giving your son the property. It’s not a competition at all and it’s sad for him making you feel like it is - he’s old enough to understand that MIL is not his grandmother, so realistically there’s no reason at all he should be expecting anything from her (and especially no reason to be upset/angry he’s not going to receive anything from her, as again she’s not his grandmother)

It seems like he’s being very selfish in his thinking (very rude of him to even be asking if he’ll receive anything, almost as if he was looking forward to the idea of her passing for him to potentially receive a high payout), I dread to think how he’ll be when she passes and cannot imagine him being supportive of his siblings during that time as he will be very resentful and jealous.

Not a lot you can do unfortunately. It's up to MIL unless your husband intervenes. As others have said, what you do with your estate is your choice, and you could leave it all to DS1 on the basis that the other two have been well provided for. But that has its own issues. I'd say inheritance is probably the no.1 disruptor of families after divorce.

Why is DD25 even thinking like this?

Has he no plans to work and save for himself?

Sorry should add that DS is extremely motivated and works hard and earns a good salary for his age £45 k. He has just got a new job at £55k He will most likely be on £100k in the next 5 years. His girlfriend also earns well too.

He is just angry that his siblings will get a better deal. I know there will be this underlying tension between them. I want them to just love and support each other no matter what.

I'm so sad that money will in the end. create a wedge between the siblings.

It's the Archers plot isn't it? I don't think Helen has the answer either.

It is unfair. I think all you can do is agree on that. It must feel very unfair to him.
There's nothing you can do you don't have a spare 1m cash and so all you can do is give him the BTL which is all you have to give.
So you can't make it "fair" but just letting him know you've done your best is all you can do.
It's a shame but unfortunately nothing you can do

There’s nothing to be done. Unfortunately he just has to suck it up. I think the less air time you give it the better

Your ds is being ridiculous.

He is doing well, & the fact that his half siblings may inherit from their side of the family isn't his problem.

If you hadn't met their dad, had instead had more kids with someone with no assets, & now there were half siblings with no expectations of any inheritance but looking to their successful half brother for support - he'd be ok with that, then?

I would re-direct him towards his dad as the dickhead he is really angry at.

Whilst I think DS is very wrong to feel entitled to your MIL’s money, I can also see why such a disparity creates resentment.

I’d advise DS that no one knows what the future holds, the inheritance may go to someone else and if he works hard in his career, he may end up being the higher earner in the family and outstripping his siblings’ inherited wealth.

Has your son ever had any therapy for the loss of his father?

does he see your husband as a father figure?

Its got to be hard for him seeing the family setup he never had and maybe he’s focusing on the money rather than the emotions involved

Yeah I agree, it’s definitely a sad situation and I really feel for you as he’s now putting you in a very difficult position as you care about all of your children, but at the end of the day you have no say in the matter of where the money goes so it’s unfair of him to make you feel as though it’s a competition now, potentially driving a wedge between you and your son as well ☹️

My DS 25 dad died from alcoholism when DS was 18 and was a shit dead beat dad. He got nothing from him. I have worked hard all my life to give DS everything. I am so sad that he begrudges his siblings for money they may get in a few years.

I just want him to love his siblings.

I know there will be this underlying tension between them. I want them to just love and support each other no matter what.

Sorry but this is unrealistic.

You chose to have a family where there was baked-in inequality from the very beginning. Is it ideal? No. But what’s done is done.

The money isn’t really the issue - it’s that he had a shit dad, and his siblings don’t and he can’t do anything to change it. The money just highlights that his situation was shit from the outset.

Your DS is NBU to feel his siblings have it easier than him - the history with his father must be very difficult for him, and something his half siblings didn't experience, quite the opposite.

He is also NBU to feel a little envious at his siblings getting such an enormous help in life, whenever it does come. He will be fine, but their lives will be significantly easier.

If anything, YABU for leaving all of such a significant asset to one DC rather than splitting it, so make sure that your other DC are aware of why you made that decision (which is fair enough in the circumstances, but you wouldn't want them to misinterpret that when the time comes).

Maybe the money is actually masking the hurt, grief and anger he feels towards his own father. He’s jealous of their start in life not just the money. Sad really.

How are your younger children going to feel being left out by you? Giving your older ds a house and not giving them equivalent might create resentment too.

Wills are about much more than financial value. There is a lot of emotion tied up in them, with children seeing it as an indication of love and esteem.

Is the inheritance from your MIL skipping a generation and going straight to your younger dc? Does the 1m each take into account inheritance tax? Is there additional funds set aside for care home fees etc? I guess I’m just trying to ascertain if it’s as clear cut as you feel it is.

Would your dh be open to making a greater proportion of your joint assets over to your ds1 in your wills? You can do what you like with your will - but then favouring your ds1 with additional marital assets in addition to the BTL could be fraught with problems too.

Christ. He'll have to suck it up I'm afraid.
My dad remarried, she already had a daughter and then dad and stepmum had one together.
My brother and I have been totally pushed aside and are likely to inherit nothing.
We were taught to work hard and make our own money. You can't predict it, the millions might be left to cats protection!

My DS had therapy as a child but not as an adult. My DS does not need therapy he needs to understand how inheritance works.

I have tried to explain to him that he is owed nothing from his rich step grandmother whom he does
Not really have a great relationship with.

Life isn’t fair. My dad died as a penniless alcoholic and it’s just one of those things. He’s getting a house. Spoiler: l won’t be getting a house and l have made my own way in the world for years

How does he even know?