Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

Having known her since he was 2, maybe he considers her a grandma? Not his fault that she clearly doesn't feel the same, and incredibly hurtful for him I imagine. If he doesn't have a good relationship with her then who do you suppose is to blame? I doubt it's him - 2 year olds are generally very accepting of people.

I think as his father died when he was 18, he is not considered a dependent child and wouldn’t automatically get to claim inheritance.

So if his father had left everything to his wife, there’s nothing to contest.

He isn't covering himself in glory here. He is 25 and old enough to understand how this works.

I had a similar situation and was your ds. I cannot imagine feeling resentful towards my sibling. On the contrary I am happy for their good fortune and it is a relief to me that they won't have to struggle.

I wonder how he would be if his father hadn't been a deadbeat and your MIL wasn't wealthy and it was he who inherited 1mil?

I don't agree with other posters who understand his resentment. Saying that, I also don't understand all this talk of inheritance and who gets what. It makes me wince at the crassness of it all.

You have a lovely approach.

I would feel the same.
Be grateful my stepfather was wealthy and gave me a better life than I otherwise would have had (school/uni paid for, hobbies?)
Be grateful he is leaving me money (apparently equal portions).
Be grateful his relatives are leaving me any money at all.
Be grateful my mother is leaving her entire BTL property.

He is much better off than if this stepfather had never existed!

Be grateful my younger siblings are going to be so well off and I won’t need to help support them!!!

I would be gutted that I didn’t mean enough to her to be considered in her will.

How can you split the assets 3 ways if you are handing over a large asset to your eldest?

She’s not his grandmother unless the dh adopted him.

Edited to say - I can also understand the eldest’s upset. I suspect that his feelings are also less about the actual money and more about not feeling like he is considered family by those he believed to be family.

I get it but it's up.to the MIL who she leaves her money too and she's choosing to leave it to her biological grandchildren ,is it fair ?
No not really but the Op says he doesn't have much of a relationship with her anyway .

Or he will complain and be petulant until his siblings feel pressured into giving him money. I do wish people would stop eyeing up peoples money before they are even dead.

Personally when he asked the question I think you should have shut it down with a “She’s not dead yet, it’s incredibly crass to talk and think about this”

Op has clarified that her DS25 will be in the grandmothers will. Grandmother has confirmed this. He just won’t be getting as much as her biological children.

For me, a big part of it comes down to the relationship between MIL and DS25. My parents have been in my stepdaughters life since she was little but she has always shown a preference for her biological grandparents and hasn’t really engaged with them at all past the bare minimum politeness we expect from her. They made a huge effort with her when she was little, but she just never had any interest in a relationship with them. Now she’s a young adult and things are still the same they have taken her lead - polite but detached. I wouldn’t expect them to make provision for her in their will.

If MIL had a normal grandparent/ grandchild relationship then her actions would be very hurtful. But that often isn’t the case where blended families and additional grandparents are involved.

I was referring to the op’s will.

Thats a very good post !

I don't think he should be petulant or complain as she wasn't his grandmother, but equally he doesn't have to have a relationship with anyone he doesn't want to. it's not always easy to be rational when you see other people have the things you want.

Apologies if this has already been said but why is the inheritance skipping your DH. Surely the usual route is for MIL to leave to DH and siblings, they then leave it to spouse/children.

Sorry - totally misread that!

Because of health issues there are quite often times when life is unfair between my children.

Early on DS would feel resentful but I've brought him up to accept that there will always be times in his life when things are unfair. Sometimes that can be changed and sometimes it can't and you need to acknowledge that your feelings while justified cannot be allowed to justify bad behaviour.

I'm with the son here. Presumably he was still under 10 when you got together with your now husband so the grandmother has known him a long time. The inheritance is shed loads, he's done nothing to warrant being left out. The grandmother needs to get in front of a mirror and have a good long hard stare. If you want him to have a good relationship with his siblings, at some point there needs to be a frank discussion with all of them about the possibility of how the money might be divvied up. Personally, if I were the step sibling of someone I'd known my entire life because there were older, I couldn't waltz off into the sunset with £1m shouting 'my grandma, my money'.

Inheritance causes so many problems, and its mainly because people are downright nasty in the sharing out, and downright greedy in the receiving.

I am more perturbed your 25 year old is asking if he will inherit money from a living woman he is not related to. I mean WTF? At no point did you say he had a close relationship with her and feels left out? That would be a different story - it seems all about the money?

The reality is that I think very few sibling relationships would survive 2/3 getting £1m+ and 1/3 not. Especially if this happens in early adulthood when it's likely to make a significant difference to how comfortable their lives are.

2/3 - if sensible - are likely to never have any money problems because they can afford a large house, paid for in cash and never need a mortgage. That's a big boost.

The other, even with an OK job, even if he manages £100k in 5 years, and even with the boost of £180k is likely to have to choose between a smaller property or a larger one and a big mortgage. Particularly because the £180k is not likely to come until much later than the £1m dut to the generations involved.

Now, that's the choice most of us have to make and, indeed, many of us didn't even have the £180k which, in itself is fantastic. But I think it would still be hard to see both siblings have so much more to start with.

I think all the OP can do is empathise, reinforce how she loves all 3 children equally. If you do try to balance it out with your will, OP, then you must speak to them all first so that the 2/3 who inherit less from you are clear it is not about how much you value or love them but is an attempt to equal up the start they are all getting.

Thats really unfair for your son. Does he have a close relationship with granny?

something similar happened in my family and hearing one person was being left out, i suggested we all share our money so they still got some.

This ^^ First thing that occurred to me. Also, the other children may never inherit anything from MIL because who knows how circumstances may change things

I don't think he's grabby at all! I think he's feeling sad, I would also feel very very sad to be less than (it's not about the money!) And why is DH making it worse? Doesn't he love him as his own after 23 years and coming into his life when he was 2? And i agree with a pp why is your mil and the aunt yapping about inheritance? My mother did this for about 30 years, it's incredibly toxic.

I was in your DS's situation. I see it as this - if i was in the position of the grandparents, and had a good relationship with you and your son, I would be noting early on that inheritance will be split. Whether that is equally or not would depend on the relationship, but I'd like to think I'd split it.

Its hard being an age-gap child in a blended family unit - there is always an element of "missing out". I didn't get anything, but my brother and sister did. They offered instantly to put it into a pot and share it with me three ways as it was a large amount. I didn't expect this, and whilst I said no, I did take up their offer of a large family holiday where my input was paid for by them, and also some money in savings for my DD.

I think it depends on your children too- not just the person giving.

I was never going to get something from my maternal family, as we have financially struggled , and initially it did cause some difficult emotions as I didn't ask to be born to an alcoholic/drug abuser.

Its a difficult situ - sending you love while you navigate the feelings

P.S not everything is on you to fix, the £180k property is much more than a lot of people will ever see. Plus you could look at doing this in younger years instead of inheritance as it would likely benefit him and aid his growth as a person to feel financially secure at a younger age x

I just want him to love his siblings

Not sure why. You chose to have them, they weren't his choice. You love them, there's no obligation on him.

Anyway your MIL might be wealthy but presumably the money will go to your DH first, and a lot can happen before it gets to your children anyway.

I think your DS is completely reasonable to feel as he does. It would be one thing if you had married your DH when your DS was older, or if he had an involved father of his own, but actually you became a blended family when he was only 2.

Your DH was, presumably, a father to him. It's terrible that now money is involved he is being separated out from the 'real' family. From your son's POV I can imagine that he felt that you were all one family and now it has become clear that really, you're not.

You absolutely can't dictate what your MIL or younger children do with the money, but I would be having firm words with DH about evening things up in your wills. And if I were one of the siblings I would share the inheritance.