Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

Similarly we have 2 dc and dp dsis has 1. He is a step dad to 1dc.
Im not sure if dpil would leave to step ggc.
I imagine they would leave to their dc. So may end up with the step dc eventually.

If i were op i would balance it out i my own inheritance so if necessary leave all to dc1. The other 2 wont need more on top of 1m each.
If op goes first though her dh might leave everything to his dc

What an arsehole his dad was. Your poor son.

So your son was abandoned by his father who left his money to his new wife and kids.

And your DH has been in his life since he was 2?

Is your DS leaving him anything?

Honestly it sounds like your DS has experienced a ton of trauma. It's actually amazing he's done so well at a young age!

I think all you can do is acknowledge that he has suffered in ways your other kids never will. And he probably should have therapy. He's had a lot of loss.

I think your dismissing his need for therapy and just needing to understand wills is quite cruel.

Sorry for some reason I cannot respond to certain posts.

My other children have a different lifestyle to what my son had growing up as when they were born we were in a much better financial.

We live in an affluent area in London and have a better lifestyle.

I think your DS may lash out at your MIL, although really he's angry with his DF, but it's hard to acknowledge faults in your own birth family

How close are your younger two siblings to your eldest?

I know not everyone will agree but if this was the case with me and my siblings we would equally distribute between us, I suppose the love and bond needs to be there beforehand however, but would also need to take into account how the younger two will be earning at the time of the inheritance landing, so it's as fair as possible for everyone.

I completely agree that my son has suffered trauma from his issues with his father. I spent thousands of pounds on therapy for him when he was a teenager to deal with this issue. Sadly as an adult he had decided he does not want or need any therapy.

Of course it's not their fault, it's yours. Do you feel guilty about putting your son in this position? You should not have tolerated a situation where siblings are treated differently while growing up in the same family home. This is obviously about more than just the inheritance.

My children have different fathers and I've told them i believe they should each give the other 50% of whatever they're left by them. They've been raised as equals by me alone and our own nuclear family comes first.

My DS25 is very close to his siblings. He regularly takes them out and they love each other,. His siblings are 11 and 13.

They love him so much too and have a great relationship m. They don't truly understand money yet. Or how wealthy they will be in comparison to him in the next few years.

So are you saying I should encourage my 11 and 13 year old to share any inheritance they receive with my DS 25.

They may also inherit a significant amount from an aunt.

Yes i believe they should share, it would be horrible sitting there on a few million that your brother who you love has been excluded from.

I think this is quite unfair. A different set of opportunities were available when the OP remarried. People’s circumstances changed. I’m the youngest in a large family, and by the time I was a teenager, I was the only dependent. Any parent will want to give the best opportunities their circumstances can afford at a given time.

I would hope that I have raised all my children to look out, help and support each other.

I don't know if I can dictate to them how they should spend/share their inherited money.

Your DS25 is being unreasonable. Unless your MIL has always treated him as one of her own, in which case I may understand hurt feelings. But the fact is that he doesn’t have the same grandparents on one side as his siblings, and that’s where the money is coming from. The money is not coming from you and in fact it could be argued that you are favouring him by leaving the entirety of your rental property to him (although understandable given what the younger ones are set to inherit).

My DH thinks it's unfair I am leaning the rental property to DS25 too. He feels it should be split 3 ways.

The rental property equity is only worth £180k. My other 2 children will get £1m each from grandma.

I haven't dictated, just told them what I believe would be right seeing as they are brothers.

Your DH is being cruel to suggest that.

I 100% agree with your dh. It would be really unfair to your younger two to favour your older one like that.

inheritance is about love and esteem as well as money. I would be gutted if my mother did that to me.

But this is the crux of it.

All those years when he thought of his step dad as Dad… but then ‘Dad’ has 2 children of his own, and suddenly they are ‘Dad’s’ real family who will inherit from his mother.

Do you actually know what is in your MIL’s will? Does your DH’s will include your Ds?

I'm at a loss to do what is fair. It's not so easy or straightforward

This is crazy, so your son has been in your MIL and husbands life since he was two and no one thinks it would be normal to split all equally? I can never understand this. I can completely understand where your son is coming from.

Has anyone even asked MIL of her intention? Your husband clearly thinks less of your son than his own. The rental property is a drop in the ocean compared to over 1mil. The other two don’t need it.

You'd be gutted that as a millionaire, who had a lovely childhood, your mother left your sister whose dad died young and neglected her, her entire money which is a fraction of what you have?

I'd be bloody thrilled for my sibling.

I am so sorry op. They will not. Your son is money driven, not relationship driven. He is also entitled. He feels he has a rightful claim on the estate of someone, and nothing will be OK except for him receiving an equal share. He will not, so there is no pleasing him.

I was thinking initially about trying to equalise things as far as possible, but the sums of money mean you cannot. And tbh, I think only equal would do. The rest might even be thrown in your face.

Is your son ok? I would seriously start by checking

How can I tell MIL how she should split her money. She wants to give it to her biological grandchildren. Do you think I should force her to include my son too ?

Me and DH will split our asses 3 ways between all 3 children.