Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

If inheritance is about “love and esteem” you say what about the love and esteem for OP’s eldest who has realised that the family he thought he had since the age of 2 don’t think as much of him as he thought?

Yes he is getting something from the MIL but if going by what you are saying in that the splitting of the house is fair because it shows more than just the monetary value, surely it should be the same from the women that OP’s son thought was a grandmother figure since he was a toddler

OP your DH is showing that he will always be looking out for his two more than the oldest. Some may say that it’s a fair choice for him to do that, others may think it’s evidence that deep down blended families don’t work in practice

"A £180,000 property is a drop in the ocean compared to 1 million" what nonsense! It's a very nice inheritance, he is lucky.

It is very sad OP if he let's jealousy ruin his relationship with his siblings, but you are doing all you can. I wouldn't entertain discussing it with him anymore, it's a fact that he can't change. Please don't let it cause arguments between you and your DH.

Just read a few more posts and read he does and is going to be in the will. But i still think that after 23 yrs that he is not seen as grandchild must be upsetting for him.

How has his life been so different? If you have been together since he was 2 . Are you , as a family , making way more money than you were 23yrs ago?

Did you and your DH not do 'family ' when he was small? If your husband has always been wealthy how/why has your son missed out If you were a family unit?

My DH and I got together when my DS was 6. He is very much accepted as a grandson and treated equally with the others in the family. He will inherit the same amount as the other 2 GC and most money will be shared between teh sinlings (DH has 2 Siblings each with 1 )

I think lots of good advice has been given. I think it sounds stressful for you to have to deal with DS’s emotions. He’s lucky to get an inheritance!

Your DS, who is ostensibly an adult, needs to grow up, especially if he's so greedy that an inheritance difference would ruin his relationship with his half siblings. That's awful behavior on his part.

I’m very unhappy with your dhs attitude that you should be exactly equal when there are such huge discrepancies. Tell your dh if between you you haven’t managed to bring up your younger two to understand it’s fair to leave the flat to ds to help balance the huge differences in inheritance between them, then you’ll have failed as parents, so he had better start thinking like that.

I feel very sorry for your DS25. I completely disagree that he is 'money driven' as some comments suggest. Yes, he may be struggling with feelings of entitlement, but entitlement to the most basic of things we are want and deserve, two loving and supportive parents. I'm estranged from my father who never loved or supported me growing up - if you don't experience that then I'm afraid it's very difficult to understand, even if you think you can comprehend it, you can't. It hangs over you like a shadow your whole life, and I'm afraid this is pain is rearing it's ugly head.

Your DS25 is feeling left out, lonely, short changed by life. If he isn't having therapy I strongly suggest he is encouraged to and I hope all of you including half siblings and DH can come together to show him he is loved and included and equal to his half siblings in your eyes, even if there will be a financial inequality in the future.

I am your DH in this situation. I will have a very large inheritance in the future. We have two DC, and DH has two DC from previous relationship.

My inheritance won’t be going to DSC. They don’t know anything about it, tbh.

Our assets separate to this will be halved as usual; mine will be split between our two DC; his between all four.

It’s just how it is.

We have this situation in our family and Grandma ( my DM) is leaving about 125 k each to all 5 grandchildren. The grandchildren are my 2 (20s), my brothers 2 ( both under 10) and my SILs son from a previous relationship (23). At first my DB was very unhappy about this as he wanted his children to inherit more. I thought it was the right thing to do. My mum was adamant. She had been Grandma to the older son since they were 8 or 9. As far as they are concerned she is their grandma.
Does your son know your Mil as his grandma? Is there a strong relationship there? If your son has grown up knowing MIL as his grandma he will naturally feel disinherited. Does your dh want him to inherit? Edited later - I would speak to your MIL, you may find your dh is driving this. I feel this is completely unfair to your son.
If there was never a relationship there,I’m afraid your son just has to accept the status quo.

On the flip side of that dh’s parents died last year and left 25% of their money and assets to ‘the grandchildren’ not specified by names. Dh wanted my dd, who they’d been grandparents to since she was 3, to have a share but I said no. I didn’t think they’d have wanted it but of course no way of actually knowing

Well my children are my MILs only grandchildren. She has not put them in her will because and I quote "its not good for young people to get things on a plate" and she is their actual nan. Its up to her.
So ...

You’re right, you can be any fairer unless you get given money that you can pass on to him. So on paper, nothing else to be done. He’s had a raw deal though hasn’t he? It’s probably pretty shit to have a father who doesn’t care enough to provide for you, who is an alcoholic and dies when you are young whilst your siblings get a proper dad and a huge inheritance. And no, life isn’t fair and he’s old enough to know that but he’s grown up with a lot of trauma and that’s a pretty stark example of exactly how unfair it can be. His anger is probably a culmination of anger about a whole host of things.

You can’t stop him being angry. You can acknowledge that it must feel terribly unfair and that he has had to deal with a lot. He may well have found peace with it by the time it happens but he needs to be allowed to rage and to see that you know why he is so upset.

I'd just palm your oldest son off for now and say that you will make provisions from the inheritance you and your husband will have from her for him.

That should settle him down, and get it out of his head for a bit, hopefully mother-in-law won't die for ages.

DS25 sounds grabby tbh.

To make a comparison; my grandmother died when I was 25 (less than five years ago) and I didn’t think I was entitled to any bloody money and I was her sole living grandchild! My half sister likewise didn’t think she was entitled to anything.

Your son needs to get a grip and not be grabby. Life isn’t fair and at 25 he should have accepted that. TBH if I was your the grandmother I wouldn’t give him a penny if he’s going to potentially upset the other two grandchildren with his attitude.

I agree with this.

I also think it's cruel of your DH to suggest splitting the inheritance from the buy to let between all three children when two will already be millionaires (and you mention they might get more from their aunt, I think). Your older DS is already getting a raw deal - how can anyone begrudge him anything you're able to do, however small, to balance things out a bit?

Honestly he sounds money obsessed. It's mental to me that he is 'teallly resentful that his half siblings will inherit at some stage in the future from their grandparents and he 'only' gets 200k.
I wouldn't be entertaining any woe is me conversations.

My cousins are set to inherit way more than that.

Here the difference me and siblings grew up poor we are all hard working and motivated to do well- awe own our own homes paid for cars etc

Cousins coast, daddy brought cars and homes and none of them have any work ethics.

We are better off but my kids have been given a decent work ethic and can feel proud like I did when I did things for myself.

“My DH thinks it's unfair I am leaning the rental property to DS25 too. He feels it should be split 3 ways.”

Lucky you. Second husband gave you a better lifestyle, but still turned out to be an arsehole 😢

Bottom line, you chose to have children who would have different circumstances - not just financial. You can’t try to guilt the younger ones into sharing their grandmother’s money with their half brother. I think you’re doing the right thing giving him your second property. I don’t blame him for the jealousy - I’d be jealous too! But, I do blame him if he lets it consume him with bitterness. I think you need to be open with him about the differences, but then expect him to grow up.

Your MIL is a stirrer. Why all this talk of inheritance and your eldest son also being in the will but then not saying what he will get? What’s the purpose of telling everyone this now?

I hope your younger kids don’t know about the inheritance - not a healthy thing for them to hold onto as it creates expectations, may lead them to believe they won’t need to work etc. They may not even get it if she needs it for care or any investments lose their value etc.

My advice is that everyone should STFU about this, your MIL most of all, oh and the aunt who also apparently likes to tell
people what they’ll be getting.

I am very surprised at all the “he is money obsessed” comments when it’s pretty obvious to me that it’s deeper than that

He, through no fault of his own, has had a life very different to his siblings. He was essentially abandoned by his father, then when his father dies he doesn’t even get acknowledged and his OP said when he was young life was a struggle

Compared to his siblings who have had two loving parents for all of their life who have not abandoned them and more opportunities to enjoy life than he has had going by the OPs posts

Regardless of how much money is or will be in a bank account I can see why he is struggling

And comments like “well a second child who comes along when the parents are more comfortable will have a different experience to the first” are not comparable to someone who very likely has abandonment issues which are now being amplified due to money

Its not a situation that can be easily fixed but I do think it’s unfair for him to be portrayed as some woe is me money grabber

I think this is the crux of the matter! Whether it’s misplaced or not, I’m not surprised your son is feeling hard done by

It's fascinating the difference of opinions when the stepchild belongs to the mother instead of the father isn't it? If the boy was the husbands son then of course he should be given the BTL and of course his half siblings should be forced to share their inheritance. Really interesting responses.
OP, your son should get the BTL. He was dealt a shit card with his father, watches his 2 younger siblings live a completely different lifestyle and will see them inherit a ton of money. It would be awful to split the BTL three ways. I'm shocked your dh is encouraging you to split it 3 ways. If he was a stepmother, posters would be saying vile things about his intentions there.
Remember that OP, if you were the father and you DH the stepmother the responses you received would be completely different. This is something only you can decide really.

He may be equal int he eyes of his mother, but not to his stepfather. Certainly he is NOT an equal part of his step-grandmothers family.

Why on earth should he expect anything from a woman he is not related to and doesn’t have a great relationship with?

I’m not saying he SHOULD be but you can’t create these situations and not expect conflict because it creates a different view of your life than the one in your head.

Your son is lucky that his stepfather is so wealthy and that he has enjoyed a much better quality of life that his biological father could have provided.

He needs to practice some gratitude!

Any inheritance from his stepfather or his stepfathers relatives should not be expected.