Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

You never know, your younger 2 may share some of their windfall with your eldest.

In our family (none of it blended, so it may make a difference) a couple of people are shortly due to inherit big bucks, but they have decided to share the money among 15 people.

@iwanttoholdyourhand

What did you honestly expect?

Is he close to his siblings? What is his relationship like with your MIL? Do you actually know what it says in the will?

Sorry op, I dont agree that he doesnt need therapy as an adult, hes 25 and having a strop over what he feels hes entitled to, its not the money that will drive a wedge between the siblings its himself. To know that despite that, you have a BTL asset that you'll leave to him so that you can do as much as you can to level up but hes still still angry is a problem. What about his salary? If his siblings only earn 30k 10 years from now is he going to even that up with his salary or accept that he has been fortune/blessed in other ways in life? If you were having this convo with a teenager would be one thing but hes 25 he needs a blunt wake up call.

What has your DH said about the property you are living in?

Who do you plan to leave that to? Just your DS, or to all 3 kids?

I think it’s difficult having half siblings who you know will have an easier ride of it than you through no effort on their own part.

I don’t know how you can explain it other than bluntly. He is not MIL’s grandchild, the other two are, if he doesn’t even have a great relationship with her then he really can’t expect much.

It’s difficult because he must logically know this but it’s about feelings really. Was he treated the same as his step-siblings? Obviously theres nothing you can do about his dad and his start in life but when you married your husband did he always feel part of the family or on the outside. Did your Dh treat him like a son? Did he feel wanted?

I think it's brilliant you are leaving him the BTL. It's as fair as you can make it

Will your DH inherit from his mother? If so, he can give some to your son?

I think he needs to have the perspective that it's extremely usual for regular folk to inherit 1M as a young person and really doen't happen very often. Rather than feel hard done by he should just acknowledge that they are very fortunate.

He's much better off building a well paying career as he is doing which will bring him more wealth and stability over time.

So he doesn't even like your mil, has zero relationship but expects her money. He wouldn't have cared about his siblings if he had inherted a large amount from his father side of the family unfortunately life is unfair he needs to get over it. It's not your other two dcs fault.

I can understand why you might think giving your elder DS the btl house but nothing to your other DC might be ok but your younger DC may not see it as this. They may feel you love your elder son more than them. As a parent you should treat all 3 DC equally. If you split the value of the btl into 3 and leave each a third. The you get siblings may well say their elder brother can have their share. My Mum had 5 DD's and left us all exactly the same 1/5 each. Two sisters are quite well off. Two sisters are doing ok and one sister was in debt and spent all of her share of the inheritance paying off credit card debt her useless DH had mostly run up. Mum knew her youngest DD had very little money but she said she loved us all equally so shared money equally between us. At a time of raw emotion and grief if you are a DC and a sibling is left everything like you plan to leave your eldest DC the younger ones may well feel rejected and unloved.

It's different if the money is left to your husband, he dies first leaving it to you and the it's fully in your control. At that point you would have the option to leave your eldest some. The likely hood is though grandma will leave it directly to the grandchildren and he can't hold this against them.
They don't have a say in this situation. It's not their fault he had a shitty dad.
The fact he asked is really shitty. It's non of his business.
He has 2 options, accept it and continue to have a relationship with his siblings or not.

Do people here really not get it?

It’s not about having less money - it’s about a family unit that he’s never really been a part of through absolute none of his doing.

It could be £5k or £5m - he’s supposedly an equal part of the family and now this shows that actually it’s not true.

If you create a blended family walk in with your eyes open and not some bollocks rose-tinted view of things.

I have a ds your son's age and it wouldn't occur to him to ponder how much he'll get when his own grandparents pop their clogs, never mind someone else's!

As other posters have said, I do find it strange that he is focusing on this.

This.

I also find your comments about him a bit off, such as insisting he doesn't need therapy and just needs to understand how inheritance works. It shows a lack of empathy for his situation, as outlined above. You also said you wish he would love his brothers, but you haven't said similar about them. I know in your position I would hope the brothers might share with him. Not saying they should, but I would, as their mother, wish that they would. It comes across that he's very much the outsider here.

It’s not brilliant for the younger two who’ll get nothing from their mum who’s prioritising her older son. Wills aren’t just about money. It’s not their fault.

The money is creating a wedge between him and his siblings, his attitude is!

Unfortunately it’s the way with blended families…. Most aren’t actually that blended when it comes down to it.

He doesn’t have a relationship with MIL and she’s leaving her money to “her” grandchildren. That’s not unreasonable but arguably in a “blended” family he’d have been incorporated into your husbands extended family and be treated the same as his siblings. Call it greed or jealously on your son’s part but you’ve had children far apart with wildly different upbringings and it’s not uncommon for stepkids to feel pushed out when the “new” family takes form. Especially when he had a dysfunctional father and trauma around that and your youngest kids have a stable family unit. You can’t actually fix this, you can’t magic money to gift him yourself and your MIL won’t include him so you just need to be frank with him and reach out and try and find a way to reconcile his feelings with the reality of the situation.

I love and care for all three of my children. It's sad that money is s huge factor. My children have a great relationship but I do worry the impending inheritance will have an impact on their relationship

Why is your son so entitled OP?

What makes him think your MILs money is any of his business? He isn't her grandchild.

He's a grown man, not a child. It's pathetic throwing a tantrum over this. He is
more than capable of understanding that his siblings have different family than him and it's just how life goes.

I don't understand this attitude at all and I'd be bringing my kids up to understand my viewpoint.

If 2 of mine were going to be millionaires and one wasn't, the other 2 would be left nothing from me.

It's not about love.

Sadly I think this is true. We’re blended and there’s a lot of unavoidable inequality that goes with it. Much as it’s nice to put your rose tinted specs on and say everyone’s the same. It’s just not true. The best you can hope for in a blended situation is that the children will be, all things considered, better off generally than they would have been had you stayed single.

It’s not about having less money - it’s about a family unit that he’s never really been a part of through absolute none of his doing

It's supposedly never about the money on these threads. And yet I doubt he'd be having a strop if his siblings were inheriting 10 quid instead.

It's not the siblings fault either, it's not their fault their mum had them with another man who's family, their grandparents, happen to be wealthy. If their brother would fall out with them over that then he's not particularly nice either.

Yes me and DH gave him everything we could. I met DH when my DS was 2 years old.
I have worked hard so hard to provide for him all these years.

I would leave your DS25 everything you have if your other children have received a million each from their grandmother before you die.