Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

So your DH has been in your son's life since he was 2 - yet he doesn't have a relationship with your MIL unlike the other two?

Your son isn't wrong. I was ready to agree that he was entitled as you made it seem like you met your husband when he was much older...but this changes things.

I’m curious too about the inheritance skipping a generation; has MIL stated this is her intention, and has she drawn up a will? Has she other adult children besides your DH, and are there other grandchildren on that side? What’s your DH’s position?

to be honest, I see your son’s feelings as quite normal although some call it entitled and unreasonable. It’s hard at any age to feel excluded, and he feels a legacy injustice. He might just need to get over himself with time and therapy, as there’s no fixing you can do. But you would be wise to clarify wills with your husband now, to have some sort of clear plan that tries (within your own assets) to provide your own legacy of fairness.

It sounds like your DS is angry at his Dad, and projecting that towards his siblings, as he's got something to plant his anger onto (the inheritance).

As his Sad is no longer around, counselling/therapy should help him work through his feelings, which he should be able to afford given he's on a decent salary and has no DC yet himself.

How close are the siblings? I know my children would've all shared equally.

You say you are leaving him a property. Will your husband leave him anything?

You should split your inheritance equally between your 3 children. Stop pandering to your son, why is he so entitled?
The grandmother’s bequest is irrelevant. You don’t need to “even things up”

Your son’s father was on £7000 per week when he was alive, what happened to his money when he died (if there was any left), did your son receive anything? Sorry if I’ve missed it.

I’m actually quite surprised by the responses here - I would have agreed if you had met your DH when yoir DS was much older. But I find it odd that you met when your DS was 2 and yet in all that time he hasn’t been able to develop a relationship with your MIL? Does your DH treat your DS as his own? How does he feel about the inheritance issue? I find it odd your MIL doesn’t just leave money to your DH for him to do as he chooses..

Just to clarify my DS25 has a long standing relationship with my MIL and will be left something in her will. I don't know how much but she has informed me that he is in there.

I don't think it's anywhere near what the other 2 are getting. This is what is causing the tension.

At the point a parent dies you feel intense grief. At this point the last thing any DC needs is to feel their beloved parent loved a sibling more than them to the point they excluded them from their will in death. The final thing they did was to gift everything they had to a sibling and excluded you. You might bring your kids up to understand your viewpoint but it won't stop them hurting like hell because they feel all your love and final thoughts went to your siblings.

My Sons father owned multiple properties and businesses. He made good money. Sadly he was also an alcoholic and a drug addict so a lot of money went towards his addiction.

the inheritance may go to someone else

HMRC most likely. bunch of thieves

Are your son’s paternal grandparents still alive? Will he inherit from them? What happened to all of your exDH’s money. If he was earning £7k a week, I assume he was very wealthy? Where has all that gone?

I think tell your son to think of it like cousins have different inheritance's according to their parents but don't fall out over it. His siblings have different dads and that's why. He can feel resentful but there's nothing you can do about it so don't take it out on you or them please. He's scapegoating all of you as it probably feels too painful to be angry at his dead dad

My son's paternal grandparents have both passed away. He will get nothing from his father side. All his father's assets after his death went to his wife and her children. My son received nothing.

It is old fashioned jealousy which in this situation, while not great, is completely understandable

None of your children asked to be born into different families but they were due to circumstance. So while you have brought them up as the same, in reality there is a massive difference on how their lives will be

It is what it is and ultimately everyone will need to accept that the future will be what it will be. But I can understand why your son feels the way he does about the opportunities his siblings will have that he won’t through no fault of his own, he just happened to be born to the wrong dad

Sorry, do you mean your exh (DS’s father) remarried and had further children? And your DS got nothing from that?

@iwanttoholdyourhand, so despite not having a great relationship with your elder son your MiL is leaving your elder son money in her will. Just not as much as her 2 DGC. I think given this new information he is being totally unreasonable. He should be thankful he is being left anything especially as he doesn't have a great relationship with her. He sounds immature and ungrateful. Don't spoil your legacy with your other DC by excluding them from your own will. Treat all DC equally.

But why on earth have you been discussing this with him? It seems a bizarre thing to do when you don't seem to even know for sure what's in the will. Is the mil dying imminently? If not, it's very strange this would arise. You should have just said you have no idea what's in the will and left it at that.

I completely agree with what you are saying. My younger two children have a completely different life to my son.

They live a life of externe affluence and privilege. It's not their fault they were born into it.

They love their brother I just don't want money to get in the way. But deep in my heart I know it will:

I have a friend in a very similar situation. GM of youngest 2 DC had a lottery win so those DC will be very wealthy one day. Oldest child (different dad) will get nothing. I know how unfair it must feel for them but they will have to accept it’s how it is.

When his Father died didn't you question your sons inheritance? Did his Father have a will?

I agree with this - if MIL has known your son since he was 2, then I can see why he is so upset. She is causing the issues here.

I’m confused, you said he doesn’t have much of a relationship with her in one post but in this one they do and she’s leaving him something?
im honestly not trying to nitpick or anything but I think how your son views these people might be a factor ?
Has he spent 23 years thinking they are his family and now when it comes down to it , that’s not how inheritance works, you’re not actually family?
again I’m honestly not trying to pick at things, just trying to see things from DS point of view
my apologies if I’ve got it wrong

His father left him nothing. He remarried and left everything to his wife and his kids from her.

Why do they live a completely different life to your oldest son when you met your DH when oldest so was 2? Sounds like husband and family are showing favouritism and as the "lesser" sibling in my own family, I can understand why this would upset him.