Inheritance in a blended family

[iwanttoholdyourhand]

I want to start off by saying that inheritance is never a given and should never be expected or relied on. I find myself in a blenders family unit.

I have one adult child (25) from my previous relationship and 2 children aged (11)and 13) from my current husband.

Here lies the problem. My DS25 father was an alcoholic and a drug addict and died by the time my son was 18 in 2017. He never really gave any money towards DS25 upbringing. He ran his own business so fudged the accounts. From age 7-16 he paid around. £32 per week in maintenance. He in reality earned around £7000 per week at the time.

My other 2 children grandmother is extremely wealthy and my children will eventually inherit around £1 million each. My DS 25 has asked if he is getting anything from MIL and I have told him no.

My DS 25 is extremely resentful about this and feels it's unfair and that his 2 younger siblings have an unfair advantage on him. I have a BTL property that I will give to my DS25 ( £180k equity) but he still feels cheated.

I don't even know what I'm asking l. Am I being fair with all my children . I cannot never compete with the amount of money my MIL has ??

No, he’s an in-law. A member of her family that she has been, and is going to be, generous to. She doesn’t consider him to be a grandchild because he isn’t a grandchild, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t consider him to be family.

That some families choose not to differentiate between blood and step relations doesn’t mean those that do are doing anything wrong. There’s no one-size-fits-all here, any more than there is anywhere else.

I feel quite sympathetic to the MIL - when she came into little boy's life, he had a father, so it really wasn't a case of her son being the adopted dad either. She considers older son to be family but not as close, which is not totally unreasonable.

She is clearly prepared to help him financially with a flat deposit - maybe it is worth clarifying what that help might look like so that he knows what he is working towards, which could then form the basis of a "reality check" conversation with DS25 where he could be encouraged to be more grateful and less resentful of an inheritance that his siblings have not even got yet.

The "blood" thing often goes both ways - if you'd split with current husband, she might not have much of a relationship with DS25 despite her wishes. Does he honestly have a proper uncomplicated grandparent relationship with her now, even money aside?

I agree that your DS is being unreasonable- how does he even know anything about your MIL’s finances? How did this even get discussed?

He needs to deal with his resentment and forget about it.

My DS has a good relationship with MIL. As I said before he is at the age where he is busy with work, life, girlfriend etc. so doesn't really see her as much. MIL sees the younger two more often as they are still quite small and not as independent as their older brother.

I agree with this…if my kids become a family with someone who has a child with someone else, they’ll be welcomed into the family, and treated as such with Christmas, birthdays etc, but inheritance is for blood only

Hardly the same thing as being treated differently to your siblings by someone who you have considered to be your grandma since the age of 2!

But why is it for the person who he has seen as a grandparent to make up for the shortcomings of their absent (now deceased) parent and other grandparents?

Will you feel the same way if one of your children can't have children and they end up adopting? Will you leave everything to your other child's biological children? I wonder how that would go down...

It's not about that - she either accepts him as family or she doesn't! He has always known her as grandma and now she is basically saying he is "less" than her other grandchildren. Horrible woman.

She’s accepted him as family, but not as a grandchild. Same as she’s accepted OP as family but not as a daughter.

He isn’t her grandchild. She has however treated him kindly as with generosity.

But HE has seen her as a Grandma since he was 2! I hope he realises where he stands after this and gives her no more of his time. If she needs help as she gets older and frailer, well she has her "real" grandchildren for that, hasn't she.

Then I also hope he’s happy to lose the house deposit she was going to give him, as well as what she did intend to leave him 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is aware she’s not his grandmother. That he’s seen her as one speaks to her kindness towards him tbh. The bottom line is that he isn’t her grandchild, and that he saw her as one doesn’t mean she is obliged to go along with it.

Doesn't sound like he gives her 'his time'. OP says the relationship is just 'ok' and that 'she doesn't see him as much nowadays as he is older busy working, social life etc.'

It's understandable he's disappointed but he really can't expect an inheritance from her. From his parents yes, not her.

Which makes it, to coin a phrase, a “him” issue. Legally and biologically, he is not related to her

Exactly this. Also, the woman isn’t dead yet and he’s already asking where her money is going 😂. Not . Very. Nice.

Yes, he is getting a house deposit, a whole other BTL property and inheritance from his mum. He needs to count his blessings.

No, because adoption is a legal process which gives an adopted child the same rights as a biological child. Legally there is no link in this case…the son was not adopted because HE HAD A FATHER WITH WHOM HE HAD A RELATIONSHIP.

If the son’s father’s and grandparents’ circumstances had been different, I wonder if OP would be shouting that he had to share with his half siblings?

You can’t have it all ways

Ahhh so it's about legality - I see. So if the rich second husband had adopted the older son, then the grandmother should be splitting her money 3 ways? I'm sure your adopted grandchildren would be delighted to know you only considered them family because of a piece of paper. How very black and white.

How often do most 25 year olds see their grandparents? It isn't unusual to see less of them as you get older and busier.

The point is he’s not spending all that much time with her so the suggestion to punish her by spending less time with her doesn’t mean much.

Your and my opinions are poles apart on this, I’m entitled to my opinion, you’re entitled to yours

@Allnormalhere

I don't think it is about legality really.

OP's MIL has been in child's life since 2. But at that point, child was gf's son - I'm positive she was kind to so but wasn't "granny" at that point, as OP sounds very sensible and no sane person would encourage a 2 year old to call their bf's mum granny, until they had a very very firm commitment.

Son had a relationship with his actual father, until father died.

OP and stepdad later got married and had two younger children, when son was in his teens and well able to comprehend the nature of the relationship.

I think that, if DS is really confused and distraught about not being considered exactly the same as a grandchild, OP and husband could have laid the ground a bit better on this. I mean, is it really a huge surprise? Surely there were some signs?

The OP chose to blend families.
MIL did not. I see nothing wrong with her position.
logically op you knew mil had wealth when you met dh so i guess you were naively hoping she’d give her money to someone who is not related to her or perhaps dh so you could split as you please?

Of course. But you're wrong.

In YOUR opinion 😉