Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

Would you like to adopt me? Thanks in advance.

I think it's lovely, and can I be your child too please? 😆

Add me to your adoption list pls 😊

You sound lovely. Well done x

You sound very generous and thoughtful. I think it’s a good idea to offer to pay for something like kids activities as a direct debit. Paying for the car feels more intrusive but obviously very generous and probably welcome!

for context my parents pay for my kids’ special glasses (myopia prevention) which is £80 a month.

I think it's lovely. What kind parents you are I think your son and DIL will be immensely thankful.

I think you sound like amazing parents.

What would happen when you both retire? Would the £600 need to stop? I think you would need to make this clear that it's help for now but it may not be forever because it's so easy to get completely reliant on extra money.

I don't think it's intrusive at all, I thinks it's lovely that you are not only in a position to do this but that you want to. I hope your son realises how lucky he is!

If there was nothing else to spend my money on then I'd consider it. I wouldn't necessarily do it myself though.

Are they on the property ladder?

Suggest if you them and see what their response is. As long as they’re comfortable with and it doesn’t come with any conditions, I think it’s fine.

We will definitely be helping our kids out in the future if they’re happy with it. There’s no point them inheriting it when they’re 60, it’s so much more useful to help when they’re younger and more likely to need it.

This is a good point, their children are young now, and they are still early in their careers. I'm 54 and DH 56, assuming we get another 10 years in work I'd hope by then the financial pressure of young children and early career salaries would have eased up and they wouldn't need the help so much. However I'd definitely stipulate that this can't continue as long as we are working and if that changes we'd all have to reconsider.

I think I’d offer to pay for kids hobbies/school shoes/general kid related things.
I’d not allow my parents to pay for my own adult expenses. I’m too proud/stubborn. Not that it’s ever come up 😂 to be fair neither have they paid for my kids hobbies or school shoes but a friend of mine said when her dc was young her parents always paid for their school shoes and trips which I thought was lovely. Nice to do for the grandchildren and appreciated by the parents.

They are - the mortgage is part of what weighs them down in earnings I think!

”I hope your son realises how lucky he is.”

See - this would put me off. Not everyone wants to shift the power dynamic of a relationship and feel indebted, even to lovely parents.

I’d make the offer to your son and follow his lead.

Op, as a 30 something with kids and a DH, who is constantly feeling sick at the thought of paying the mortgage and food shopping costs, please do what you can for your DS.

If my parents could offer me £60 a month I'd cry with relief atm, never mind £600! X

You'd just save it? And have them pay massive inheritance tax when you die instead?

You sound lovely supportive parents, better giving it now when you can see how much it will help them than in 30 years when you are gone if that makes sense

See I'm keen not to take the fun stuff off them. When my son was little paging for his football/swimming etc. brought me pride, it made working worth it as I saw how happy he was. I'd hate for them to feel like they are just working for boring bills and not getting the fun of sorting their kids out.
None of their children are school age yet, but eldest starts this year and we will definitely buy the shoes and maybe coat.

As a side note, whyyyy have they had three children in such quick succession!

Speak to them. What is generous to one person is intrusive to another. Ask them what would be most helpful and constructive use of your time and money.

I see it as my mission to ensure there's no reason for my mil to go to the supermarket when she visits as she goes for milk and comes back with a basket full. They pay for us to go away with them they pay for the holiday and we pay for everything whilst we are there. Every couple with have there own lines of what is ok.

For me I'm happier with pleasurable things and less so with the nuts and bolts of daily life. They often bring a nice joint of meat for Sunday lunch when they visit for example to me this is different to getting milk and bread.

I think for us it's also ruining the joy of having less financial pressures a little as the thought of my son struggling makes me feel sick. It would feel better if we all had a little extra money every month and knew no one was struggling, I'd definitely be happier with that than a big bank account!

Yup, agree with the other posters. If you can afford it, why not? Just make it clear it's a "for now while we have the money but obviously it could change at any time" agreement. Especially useful if used for things that are, arguably, luxuries rather than essentials. And it's nice to pay for something specific rather than just giving them money.

They had twins!! I don't think they were planning that. Their eldest is 4 next month and the twins just turned 2 last week.

It sounds good but if think it’s intrusive then talk to them about it. Make it an offer and let them decide. If they aren’t comfortable with it then accept that and maybe just put the money aside for the grandchildren.

I think paying for the kids activities is lovely and is something I would have accepted from my parents or ILs, as it wasn't for me iyswim. I'm not sure about the car.

It's really good tax/inheritance planning to do this. Gifting excess income doesn't attract tax. Check the amounts - but having just been through the probate process unless your estate is large you probably won't need to pay inheritance tax if you go over the limits a bit anyway.
My PIL did this for DH and it was such a help.