Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

In what way do you think they are reliant on us?

We don't give them any money right now?

Having seen how care fees decimate savings, we're also helping out our adult children with some of their expenses now, when they need it most. Hopefully we'll be around a long while yet and of course it's not certain that we will need care, but we look on it as an advance on their inheritance.

It sounds very generous - you do have 30 ish years ahead of you though, so don't leave yourselves short! Have you got an idea of what your pension will give you when it comes to it? You don't want to be in a situation where you give away loads of money now and then find in 10 years that every month is a struggle.

I'd be balancing it with paying for something for them, but also putting more away yourself - whether that be in an accessible account (so you can gift it to them if you need/want to) or in a pension.

Absolutely pass it forward to your help your son and his young family.
If you save it the tax man will eventually get his hands on it one way or another.
Young families need supporting now and it will make a big difference to their lives.

We'd still have £1000 a month for personal savings

I think you should make the offer to them jointly, as a couple- if you just message or speak to your son, dil may feel a bit blindsided or worried about feeling indebted.

I think it's an amazing gesture. I would love it if my parents or in-laws done this when my kids was younger and we struggled. We used credit cards and are only just finishing paying them now the kids are a bit older.

You sound very caring and thoughtful. I'm sure you will do what you think is best for your son and his family. It will be hard to cope without that money though so give thought to how long it is for.

They are reliant on you because you pay for their annual holiday, you paid for their wedding, home furniture and decor ??? And you do their childcare , And they are thinking what's next mum ? ?

Absolutely do this! How kind.
Swimming for my two is crazy expensive, I'd love someone to pay that!

My parents gave my DD £100 / month through uni which helped us a lot, knowing she was ok on the little we could comfortably afford.

It's somehow easier to accept if you put it across as money for the children. Plus the children's needs will change - they might do loads of activities now but drop some in future, which will give you a chance for future reassessing of your offer depending on your own circumstances. Whereas if you pay for a car, which they will always need, they may feel resentful if you take the offer away.

You are wonderful parents. I only wish I could afford to do this for my own son.

We don't pay for their annual holiday. They pay for 2 holidays themselves, we pay for one which we all go on.

Wedding and furniture were a gift that they could have gone without. They didn't need us to do that.

You are so kind and thoughtful
And dreamy parents in law... even without the money thing just your respect of their boundaries and love for them shines through so much you are so kind and thoughtful.

If you keep proper records under IHT 403, you should be OK tax wise. Otherwise you can only gift £3k a year, although you can roll one unused year, so the first time, you have a £6k allowance and as there are two of you that's x 2. As long as you don't skimp on your own lifestyle, are set pensions & savings wise and want to make regular payments out of income, IHT 403 is a good (and seemingly little known) way to do it.

I would offer to do an overpayment or part payment of the mortgage each month as that will bring their costs down

It seems that you can afford it, so go ahead. We have always helped our sons in a similar way.
For the taxman you have to show it is a regular payment and does not interfere with your own lifestyle.

Absolutely do this! You sound amazing, caring and thoughtful. I would do the same in a heartbeat.

We do similar OP. It doesn’t sit right with me to have plenty of disposable income whilst our DDs struggle. DH isn’t entirely on the same page but coming round. He doesn’t want to spoil them

Go for it then, remember to treat yourselves though. You're only in your fifties x

I think it is a lovely thing to do op..
however please seriously consider this.....
my parents are now in their late 80s, mum with Dementia, their considerable savings have allowed my mum to stay at home, live in an annex with us and have a 12 hour a day carer, it costs about 60K a year...but she has had a fantastic 4 years which has slowed her dementia and given her a fab quality of life AND allowed my father to continue with HIS life without being a full time carer, yet still living with my mum.
240K gone.
Now my dad has been diagnosed with Dementia yet is physically very fit so will have (hopefully ) some years yet. There is only one investment left of 200K .....between them this will only last around than 2 years as we will need round the clock care soon.
I am quietly panicking as neither would do well in a care home and l will have no choices left for them.....it will be a council run home and the places are few and far between.

None of us ever think this will be us, but it is the fastest growing disease and it is a real possibility.

My parents never gave me money (although they could have at time)s and yes l struggled with my first mortgage and first business as a single young woman, it never occured to me (or my brother) to expect money. They were wonderful parents and we are a close family.

I would far rather have not had money gifted when younger and have been able to facilitate the above with their savings as it has fundamentally given my mum (and by default mt dad) an extra 5 + quality years.

Young families take pride in their efforts to build a life and have the energy to do so, your son seems like he is doing fine.

Please, please think very carefully.

And 3 holidays a year?

2 of which are paid for by themselves...they are not struggling I any way tbh.

That's not to say you shouldn't help them, just not something I'd do for my kids if they were spending 400 a month on a car and 3 holidays a year already.

This is only true if you don't live for 7 years after the gift is given ( appreciate we can't ever predict that).
You can give an additional £5k to a child as a wedding gift.
Regular payments eg for grandchildren's childcare are exempt as long as it comes out of your monthly income, not your savings.
Worth considering the best way of giving OP such that gifts above the allowance don't come back into your estate.
this is useful

I'm not worried about IHT, our property is only worth £150,000 so it really shouldn't impact us!

They're not dependent on them for their lifestyle because they aren't giving them anything. All op wants to do is give them more buffer and some fun money.