Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

I think that's lovely and i think it's great to watch the family enjoy the money now rather than never see the enjoyment and leave it to them when you die. Wonderful parenting- enjoy 😊

I am an only child and my parents are similar to you (although both retired now with civil service pensions) they take home with that plus state a similar amount and have no mortgage.

what we do (because it is a delicate balance particularly with DH) is they pay into the kids savings account, DD is now 15 and they give her a monthly allowance, they pay for the expensive activities and we go on one big holiday together a year. In the time when I was redundant before I went freelance with my old company they did cover some of our outgoings but that was a short term thing.

talk to them all of this was in an open discussion - I know this may not be an option as well but we are about to receive an inheritance from DH side so they will be changing their will to be split a 1/3 to me then a 1/3 in trust to my two children as well (all completely agreed between us) as they want to be able to help them

Personally, I think you would be better setting money aside each month into savings and giving them a lump sum each tax year within the gifting allowance. Then they don't get too used to a regular increased income. Also add funds to children's savings accounts or set up a pension for them to benefit them in future

I'd not accept this from my parents. I'd be embarrassed and feel like a charity case. I'm immensely proud of the fact I support myself and work hard to do this. I do not want my parents supporting me in any way.

I dont know why but I feel like buying them a car outright would feel less intrusive and more of a gift than a monthy amount? And then they are 400 a month better off so same thinf achieved?

I think its lovely you helping them, personally I would struggle to take such a large monthly amount off my parents but a big one off gift that is similar amount overall would feel less freeloady?! 🙈🙈🙈

You are very kind & thoughtful. As someone who had help from parents myself, I am extremely grateful & thankful & know I'd not be such a fortunate position if not for them. I'm sure your son will feel the same.

You can gift £3000 per year to your son and a further £3000 to your DIL and not have to pay any tax on it. It’s known as annual exemption. I think what you’re doing is lovely and I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for my kids.

Are you sure about that? I think it's. £3k in total? I'd appreciate a link if I've got that wrong.

You can actually gift as much as you like, the limit comes into play if you die within 7 years of gifting it and your estate is large enough for inheritance tax - although I think OP has said that isn't an issue for them

I think it's a lovely idea and would 100% give money to my daughter. The challenge is that when your income goes up, your life expenditure changes and then it's hard to go with out it. From experience I took a much higher paying job, built my life around that salary and now can't take a pay cut. Even though I was happy before then. I think you'd be better off doing it on a year by year basis so that they don't make big life decisions based on the £600 a month. So, you can do it until next April (even if you know you'll do it for longer). Alternatively you could pick bills off for them - pay their council tax bill for the year, energy bills for a year or something like that.

You sound like amazing parents :)

If

You sound like lovely parents ❣️

Hi yes, my friend’s parents do this for him and his wife. The husband gifts £3000 to the son and the wife gifts £3000 to the dil.

You sound brilliant, but you are a bit wrong about children getting less expensive as they grow older. In my experience uni age/ early twenties is very, very expensive.

Instead of giving £600 a month, why not split that and put half into longterm savings so you can help out later on, when you are not earning so much. My mum paid 50% of driving lessons for my 2, and it was an absolute blessing.

Thank you @Calamitousness , I'd assumed it was per couple. Good if it is per person

I think this sounds lovely. I can imagine doing this for DS if he had a family - but he's only 18 so a fair way off yet.

My mum used to buy the uniform. She has a notebook with the GCs sizes and colours (different schools) and would buy stuff on sale so we never had to buy that.

I used to feel the same way, @Q124
Now, at the grand old age of 49, I’ll take anything that’s offered to me as long as I’m confident that the person offering can afford it. I’ve realized that it gives parents and grandparents pleasure to treat and help out their children - I enjoy doing it for my children.

Unfortunately, it doesn't happen much in our family, especially DH’s side, who are quite tight-fisted! 😂. My Dad sometimes gives my teenagers cash.

This is kind, but don't forget your love and care is priceless.

(Speaking as someone who didn't have any of that)

I'd pay a chunk off their mortgage for them rather than ad hoc expenses. That would free up some of the repayment each month plus save interest in the long run

How wildly patronising.

Having read all of OP's posts, at any point do you honestly think that she has even hinted that she doesn't love or care for her child or grandchildren?

This is kind, but don't forget your love and care is priceless.

WTF?!

If you do the regular payments scheme and this does not impede your lifestyle, those saying you need to live for 7 years to avoid tax are quite wrong.

I'm going to come across as very ungrateful here, but if I were your DIL, I'd possibly be feeling a bit inadequate.

"My in laws don't think I'm good enough to support my own family." "I have to smile and tell them how wonderful they are whenever I see them".

"They're lovely, generous people, but I don't feel as though I could ever splurge on a mulberry handbag or a fortnight in vegas, because they subsidise us"
"They bought our car and I can't face telling them I've pranged it"
"my DH insists we always have to have them for Easter, Mother's Day, Christmas etc because they're so good to us"
Etc etc.

As I say, I know I'm coming across as ungrateful. But having been burned by well-meaning (ex)ILs in the past, I regret accepting their generosity when we were able to support ourselves.

But you honestly sound like kind, loving and thoughtful parents OP. I hope my negativity doesn't take away from what you're thinking of doing.

We were lucky to have a FIL who did this when our children were small (and for BIL) and also gave us an annual sum for “education” which we didn’t use for that (with his agreement) as our children went to state school. When the children were small we were working very long hours getting our business off the ground and taking very little in income so it was hugely welcome. I would definitely consider it for our now grown up children, we give them money regularly. We paid a bug chunk of each wedding in addition to putting money toward house deposits.

Both our children are moving house soon so we will give them something toward a big purchase such as a good bed for the new spare rooms. (Advantage to us is we will use it when we stay!).

So definitely suggest it, I’d much rather see my family enjoying my money whilst I’m alive rather than when I’m not here. We are fortunate to be in the position to do this, and always make sure we treat each child the same, although one is a much higher earner.

I'd hope we aren't like this.
Last year we asked them for Christmas alone and DIL seemed devastated!!

We're known her since she was a child and she's really like a daughter to us.

We always buy her nice stuff for Christmas and encourage her to spend on herself, we have the kids sometimes so she can go to Pilates or what have you and I'm glad she does it! We make that clear!

Another option is to put something aside for the grandchildren each month- it can be very hard for young families to save, so knowing that there is something going into an account towards future education/driving lessons etc could be one less worry

Sending hugs. You sound lovely. Just make sure you have enough if either of you were to pass away. I know it’s morbid.