Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

You sound like truly wonderful parents! I'd have been so happy to have parents like you and/or to have married into your family!

What you are proposing sounds incredibly generous. I'd urge a slight caution on the amount though. If you are taking home £4000 between you then giving away £600 is a lot.
You say you are mortgage-free. But how is your pension pot looking, and do you have healthy saving for potential future care needs for the two of you? My mother is in her 70s and her care needs are costing several thousands per month. Her condition is not terminal so she may well live for ten years or so at this cost. Have you got plans/savings for something like this scenario?

Then my only other suggestion would be rather than set up monthly direct debits for a car or a kids hobby or whatever, and have to say it may stop one day, could you just give them a one-off lump sum? Instead of £600 per month for a year, give £7000 (or whatever amount you want), explaining that you understand it's difficult to cover mortgage, bills, car, kids expenses and you hope this amount can help. That gives them a bit of control over their own choices and spending, instead of feeling reliant on you.

Whatever you decide, they will appreciate it, it's wonderfully kind and generous.

I think that's a lovely, generous offer. When mine were younger, my parents insisted on paying for school trips and hobbies etc., as well as helping towards childcare costs. It was very much appreciated and really took the pressure off. I did try to put them off, as part of me felt like I wasn't properly 'adulting' if I accepted, but they were very keen to help out. It came to a natural end as the kids got older.

For my part, now my parents are older, I help them a lot with practical support - hospital appointments, some housework, shopping etc. I'd have still bent over backwards to help them regardless, but I'm glad that I can offer them a different type of support.

Why wouldn't you rather see them enjoying the money now while you are alive than them getting it after you die? And they probably need it more now than they will when they are hopefully much older and more established in their jobs when you die.

We are in a similar position with 5 dsc together and no grandchildren yet. I also couldn't enjoy anything knowing my children were struggling and I imagine it will bring you more satisfaction than just another trip away.. just be clear as others have said it stops if it needs to when you retire.

I have one dc and I'll help them out as best I can.

Is he your only child? Just thinking you don't want to breed resentment or set president.

I personally think paying for their car then offering to buy shoes for the kids each summer and costs each autumn is a kind gesture, perhaps offer a one off payment to buy uniform this year as it's a lot the first year (you generally don't fully replace everything after that at the same time but you can help again as needed.

I'd also suggest asking if you can help with big ticket gifts from time to time, frame it as jointly paying so they feel the bike or whatever came from them too

They could be just under two years apart? Depending on birthday month, the oldest might have missed the cutoff for Reception.

Sometimes it makes sense for a woman's career to have babies in quick succession, get it all over and done with, and then return to work instead of taking mat leave in dribs and drabs over the course of ten or twelve years, to a chorus of, "There she goes again..." from colleagues.

Our outgoings are roughly £2000 a month, including life insurance and putting money away for holiday.
I was a nurse so I'm not too worried about my pension, DH does at more to his through work pre-tax.

Even giving £600 and putting £50 in savings for the kids we'd still have £1000 a month!

I suppose I meant more of taking some of the financial burden of kids expenses from them, I didn’t especially feel a thrill of paying for 3 sets of school shoes and PE trainers and uniforms in September I must say but as parents you work hard to be able to pay for this stuff.
Anyway it’s up to you really, there really isn’t a limit as to how much dc will need growing up, they’re a bottomless money pit!

It's kind of you to want to help them
If it was me though I'd not pay for specific things, I'd give what I could each month and leave them to decide what to do with it. Maybe commit to a year so they don't make long term decisions then you can decide if you can do another year etc etc

The reason I say just give money instead of saying I will pay your X bill and y commitment is it nay make them feel they can't decide to change the car or swap activities iyswim. Or that they have to get your permission to do so. Whereas if it's just extra money in their budget for them to use as they see fit they have flexibility.

Yes he's our only son.

At Christmas we tend to follow their lead but let them get the big thing (I think it's a pride thing for them, they like feeling like they are providing for their kids). But we have done some big ticket things like a nice big summer house and a play frame. These weren't for Christmas or anything though more just grandma and grandad wants to treat everyone.

What a help this will be to your son and family. On the flip side I have a friend who has a well paid job and sends her mum £500 a month. I thought that too was a wonderful thing to do.

That's so kind of you and is a lovely idea. You should definitely do it.

I don't agree, it's far too much, they are adults and are in a way dependent on you for their lifestyle, it also sounds like you're giving up on your own lives and living through them vicariously. Why don't you use it for your own holidays and luxuries ?

Well done to you both for being so considerate. I think its a lovely gesture that will be welcomed by your son and a great position to be in.

Will DIL/DS feel any type of way that her parents are not doing as much?

If you can afford it do it

Well off parents have paid contributions to their adult DC for centuries if they need it

It's no big deal

It's a great idea but massively different to ad-hoc help like a wedding or house things. I think it could also mean they focus less on what they can manage to live on and more on what you can give them. Is that a change in your relationship you want?

Live is uncertain so I'd spend the next year or two saving £600 a month, then revisit the idea.

It’s a lovely thing to do if you can afford it OP. We will do similar as it’s efficient inheritance tax wise plus people need money while they’re young! No point inheriting a fortune when they’re in their 60’s.

We have all the luxuries we need.
We don't like going on holiday much anymore, we have a gorgeous garden and beautiful little cottage. We are quite happy just puttering about doing our own thing. We find packing/flying stressful then always come back from our holidays a little underwhelmed wishing we'd stayed home!
We go out to eat as much as we like but enjoy cooking, we get new clothes when we need them. We aren't struggling, have no desire to travel or spend big.

They have never asked us for a penny in the 8 years they've been together. They were saving for their wedding but it would have taken years and we decided that it would be a nice thing to do. We got the furnishing and decor for their house as they saved the deposit alone it seemed fair. They truly never ask.
Right now they don't depend on us for anything, we volunteer to cover childcare as I love my grandchildren and having them is the highlight of my week.

He family are truly horrid. I don't think money will be the issue they have with them!

I bet something about this doesn't sit right with you because why are you on here asking for validation about it?

I mentioned to idea to my sister and she said it seemed intrusive. It was a no brainier to me until then!

I do feel that 400 quid a month on a car when they're struggling is mad tbh. He could possibly benefit from a car paid for outright.

You're right they aren't struggling in a can't afford to eat way more just luxuries are harder to afford. I know they are already better off than many!

I do think it's nice, but It sounds like they don't ask for money because you've probably always (generously ) given it to them without asking and they are almost reliant on it.