Giving son £600 a month

[Krosem]

DH and I are in our 50s, we only have one child, we are mortgage free, DH is a supervisor for a HA repairs department, doesn't want to step down or leave. I work as a receptionist part time having stepped down from my previously more stressful job.
We bring home a little over £4000 a month, our outgoings are low, we don't holiday abroad much anymore and if we do it's not very expensive as we aren't restricted by school holidays.

Our son is 28, he has 3 children and a wife. They both work but aren't high earners. I provide some childcare , we take them on holiday once a year. We try really hard not to step on their toes, with the kids are they are fantastic parents.
Last year we paid for their wedding entirely, they didn't ask, we insisted and they were very grateful, I kept out of planning unless asked as it was there day.
The year before we gave them money for furniture and home decor.

DH and I have a lot left each month, sure we can save it and what have you, pensions etc. but I hate knowing my son is struggling a bit while we are cruising. DH suggested we pay for their car and the most expensive kids hobby. This will probably be £600 a month, we'd just set up the direct debit for the kids in our name and probably pay the car via them.
We are just worried this might seem a bit intrusive.

Is this a bad idea or should we do it?

Bless you, you sound wonderful parents and grandparents. Of course give/help them the way you suggests..

@WellThatEndedBadly

We've all got a different opinion on this issue. I'm one of the several posters who do feel the offer is 'intrusive' (which @Krosem asked) and is flawed in many way.

But to accuse @ColBoulter of this Have you had something like this go wrong with you and your family?is just a cheap jibe.

Posters can have see the downsides of something without having to have had a 'bad experience'.

@DiddlySquatSquat

It's good that posters are offering up differing views including negative ones but it's hard to understand why you and @ColBoulter have such a black and white view on this. It comes across as though you are attacking the OP. I don't know if that your intention or not? At the end of the day she is think of helping her son for a year or so. It's really not a big deal. The OP hasn't asked for any financial advice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Thank you for your comments @DiddlySquatSquat

@WellThatEndedBadly
I don't think it's a black and white view as I've explained that I have and will give money to my DC just in a different way.
I'm in a similar position to the Op and having twice the income and an excellent pension and I find it alarming that so many people are encouraging the Op to do this particularly as it seems to be a very emotive issue for her .
This is a forum and people have different views
Repeated jibes at @DiddlySquatSquat and me
Negative
Black and white
I must have experienced this in my family

No I work with families and I have a fairly good understanding of family dynamics and how this relates to this type of decision and what the fallout can be.

Fwiw I am very financially comfortable and my adult children are doing well
I have a great relationship with them but feel they need to experience the ups and downs of life as adults.

So I still stand by my view that If the Op wants to help her DS it's better all round if she does considered one off payments than a large monthly payment.

No more comments about my opinion needed

I think it’s a lovely thing to do if you can, we really struggled financially in the early years till the children were about 8/9. We had twins too. If we’d been offered even half of that we’d have been so grateful!
it’s taken us years to get over the financial stress and I agree better to offer it now than when you are gone and really they won’t need the help in the same way.
if we can I’d do it for ours when they’re older.
you sound wonderful, even without the financial gift your child is very lucky to have such supportive parents.

I'm all for differing opinions but there are ways of giving them that are helpful and ways which seem as though you are having a dig at the OP.

Oh the irony 😂

Obviously and you may not even know but are they getting Universal credit, if so that'll stop as your 600 will take them over the threshold. You could argue well who would know but the banks are now being told to keep tabs on Customers accounts and report any red flags and extra money ect to the DWP. Therefore all you'll be doing is saving the DWP 600 PCM.

You're possibly the only one with a black and white opinion @WellThatEndedBadly because you aren't able or willing to look at the bigger picture or consider another side to this.

If @Krosem had come back and actually engaged a little more with the 'doubters' there'd be no need to discuss all the possible negative scenarios.
Yes, I agree we don't know anything about her possible inheritance from her own parents (if that's possible).

BUT considering how open she's been about some of their income, it's rather odd that (when she's challenged- which is what she asked for in her first post!) she doesn't come back and answer some questions.

You're assuming she will help her son for a year or so. Fine!
But looking at her history, she's helped him out with an awful lot so far.
I doubt some posters understand the nursery costs she is saving them each month (c £1200.) That's before she hands over any other cash. It's not just the £600 a month she intends to hand over but all the other things she's bought that were never asked for- it does come over as not willing to 'let go' of her son and allow him to function as an adult. He's actually doing ok but she doesn't think he is.

She has asked for financial advice in so much as she's laid out her income and what she wants to do with the surplus.

Are you serious? The idea is that people earn enough to not need to claim UC or whatever, not that they claim it and take money from their parents to live the absolute life of Riley.

I have nothing to leave my girls but I always said if I had I'd give it now while they needed it most, young famiy/mortgage etc and see them enjoy it rather than wait till I snuff if hopefully when THEY are retired and not so much in need

I think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick. Nowhere did I say nor did I imply that Ops Son should carry on receiving UC while/if she gives him 600 per month. I said if DWP finds out then the payments will stop. Also nowhere did I mention anywhere about a “life a Riley.

Honestly I think you should re-read your initial post. What you've written absolutely insinuates that if she decides to give this money they should try and do it in a way that the DWP doesn't find out.

You sound like lovely, thoughtful parents & I'm sure your Son & his Wife will appreciate your offer. Sit down with them & discuss it all & explain you don't want to overstep the mark or offend them you just want to make things a little easier for them & would like to pay for the kids hobbies. Don't offer to pay for the car but say that you'll transfer xxx amount each month to them to do with it what they want.

It might insinuate that to you but to me, it is saying, "Don't even try to hide it because they look for such stuff now".

Of course, I am not trying to read anything untoward in it, so I am seeing a horse, not a zebra.

We gave two sons big deposits for houses notarized by mortgage brokers. No-one blinked, never heard a word from HMRC.

I think like BBC TV licence, they're so short staffed this stuff is passing them by.

Well as I understand it, there is only tax to be paid if you die within 7 years. And even then, I'm not sure how anyone would know unless it was declared on death as part of calculating inheritance tax (as presumably it should be). Maybe someone else can enlighten me on this.

Yes within 7 years, plus if married the inheritance tax allowance moves to the other (most couples main asset is the house) and then that is if property just over a million - which is quite a high bar

You’re right. I don’t think there’s any background check on the information on probate forms, especially now there’s such a huge backlog. The whole thing could be complete fiction.

Once again we are back to the inheritance tax conversation. As PP rightly said for a lot of people the limit is a million so not an issue.

As I queried before but no one has really answered, the issue is giving away money when you might need care in the future. Everything I read is that local authorities can go back an unlimited time (no 7 year limit like inheritance tax) to see if you have deliberately deprived yourselves of assets when calculating your contribution to any care costs.
Anyone any experience of whether they do go back years and years. And for eg if I paid for holidays etc for my grown up kids how on earth would they know it wasn’t me on the holiday when it’s just a payment to tui for eg.

it would be awful to give your kids money , them spend it, then someone demand it back years later when they couldn’t afford it

It’s only regarded as deprivation of assets if you give away money at a point where you can realistically have foreseen that you would require care. As a fit and healthy 70 year old I have absolute no idea whether I’ll need care so I can do as I like with my money. As you say, nobody will know or care who went on your Tui holiday.

You sound so generous, hopefully later down the track when/if they earn better and you need the money for something they won’t have grown too accustom to it. I think it’s lovely you can be so kind and generous, but do you have private healthcare for the two of you. I think everyone knows someone who has had to go through something heavy on the NHS and how hard it is to get treatment recently.
if you don’t have private health cover all ready I would look at this as it can be costly and you don’t sound like you could approach your son for financial help if the tables turned. If this is something you either already both have in place or decide is not for you then enjoy being so lovely and generous.
Do the children have university fund accounts set up for later?
I know when things are tight this is easy for parents to over look or not pay too much in.
all the best. I wish you both a beautiful year.

Your post gives me deep depression because my mum would be the one asking me for money and never providing! She's also in her 50's. You are great parents. My friends in laws bought their entire house, paid for their wedding and buys luxury gifts for her children every birthday and Christmas. I would love that!