To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

[beinghonestherenow]

And I can see why, although he’s only 3. I’m hoping to god he changes but it’s not looking hopeful.

He is really … unpleasant. I never hear him laugh unless it’s this horrible cackle (which goes right through me tbh) when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to.

The more annoyed or stern someone is with him the more he finds it funny.

He is aggressive and bites kicks and pushes, snatches toys, literally the second another child shows an interest in a toy he grabs it. I keep thinking this is getting better but then we’re back to square one.

I am worried about the impact it’s having on my marriage (I’m close to leaving tbh as I can’t cope) and our other child.

He's 3, an extremely challenging age at the best of times, but what are you actually doing about the behaviour?

How are you disciplining him? Are you consistent? What her you tried? How is he at nursery?

Is your partner not supportive op?

Do you mean leave and take both kids with you or leave them with your partner?

Not worried about the impact your obviously dislike of your son is having on him?

I mean this in nicest possible way -are you ok do you need support. The descriptions you’ve used for your child are very negative. Does he need extra help

You sound like you are in a pretty dark place, can you say more why your child would rupture your marriage? Are you not sleeping well? Is work/life tough with two kids?

most annoying things about your kids are going to be a phase. Try really hard to find things you like to do with them. It’s a long time together and they really need to feel that you value them, and like them. Maybe there is something you can do while they are nice and little that they would not enjoy when they are 7, soft play, or play dough or dens, or a cute book.

Is he at nursery? What do they say about his behaviour- ask them to be blunt with you?

The problem is there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that he a) cares about and (following on from this) is b) effective.

Doesn’t care about toys, or time with me, or missing a treat. He just does as he does. I do try - I’m not standing by passively and have removed him from situations where he’s been aggressive and imposed those sorts of consequences but the same old things just keep rearing their heads.

He is at nursery and I don’t have bad reports now, although I did at one point. It’s hard to say though. I am conscious that they can’t see everything.

So - more posts have appeared as I’ve been responding. Sorry.

@SinisterBumFacedCat absolutely. I am trying at the moment to be as positive as possible. But his behaviour can be so bloody awful sometimes …

@OhHelloMiss I’ll be honest, I haven’t got that far. But the thought of the rest of my life being this - of being ostracised at school gates and both children suffering, of no friends or party invites, of awkward parents evenings - it’s a worry.

What about going over the top with praise when he does something well. It's really easy to get into a negative cycle and he might subconsciously think that the only way he gets attention is by misbehaving.

Does he get enough exercise? Sleep? Anything at home could be unsettling him?

I knew some vile 3 yr olds, I liked their mums, honestly they are nice interesting 12 yr olds, when I thought they would be absolute demons.
keep your chin up. You’re in some dark days, look after your own mental health, it will probably work out fine. It will depend on you being calm and optimistic and full of ideas. Look after yourself, you are probably the lynch pin of your family.

@madnessitellyou i am currently trying this. I’ve tried it before and it’s hard to keep up. I would say I do try to be positive, it’s more effective, but then we get quickly sucked into a negative cycle because he’ll be doing something I can’t ignore.

How effective it is I don’t know. Yes it sort of works because it’s a nicer atmosphere but then I can’t praise him snatching toys so correct that, he gets stroppy and then the cycle starts, it’s hard to know as sometimes you do need to say ‘don’t do that’.

Try “the explosive child” it may help with some ideas about how to manage his behaviour. A lot of 3yr olds are awful I’m afraid, it’s not uncommon. Keep working at it calmly, most grow out of it.

@Coatsoff42 thats the only thing keeping me here honestly. I’m scared at the moment for his and my future.

I’ll order that: thanks.

3 is a really difficult age as they are pushing boundaries and are entirely self-centred. It’s tough.

I would remove him every time with no interaction from you. When he does the right thing, heap the praise on. Try it consistently for a while and see if it helps.

At 3 they really don't have much of an understanding of caring about things in the way we do as adults or as an older child would. So removal from the situation when they hit/bite is really just so they don't hurt themselves or someone else. Distraction and positive reinforcement, over and over and over (young kids are tedious).

Plenty of kids go through a stage like this. But if you're struggling then speak to the nursery workers, other parents, your partner... Have a read up on child development if you haven't already to get a good understanding of what a 3 year old can/can't understand and typical behaviours.

It sounds like you need a break though, is that possible?

Yeah you absolutely do need to draw the boundary, praise good behaviour but bad behaviour should never be ignored either. If he starts snatching pick him and remove him, either to a different place or straight home. It’s the quickest way to get the message across. Use short sentences when you want him to do something, maintain eye contact at his level.

Sounds tough OP. It could be partly frustration, and may improve as his communication improves?

Doesn’t care about toys, or time with me, or missing a treat. He just does as he does.

Sounds very much like my toddler DS, he was later diagnosed ASD/ADHD. Have you considered having him assessed? My HV dismissed us, and we soldiered on for a few years, until another child’s one2one approached us in primary school and asked if we would consider assessment. I nearly wept with relief that someone else could see what I could see.

Thanks @TimeForTeaAndG . It’s hard as I’m not getting much niceness. I could deal with the horrible stuff if I got glimpses of a nice child but I don’t just now.

@Noicant what I’m saying is it just doesn’t work. He just doesn’t seem to care about consequences, anything really. I’m not convinced he loves me at all - I know everyone will say he does but I don’t see it.

If and it is a big if he is ND he’s very high functioning. He won’t be assessed for years.

If you don't think he might be ND. Do you have any ideas why you believe he is like this?

I want to send you a big hug and a hand hold. My son was like this at 3 although he was loving which helped. He's autistic and I've lots track of how many school/nursery incidents we had. Days out we cancelled, parties he wasn't invited to and the looks from the school gates. I will say he's now nearly 17 and has come in leaps and bounds but there were times I felt I just couldn't cope or I was a terrible parent. Hes also high functioning.

Please hang on. Get support from health visitors autism outreach etc. Hes a wonderful young man now who is my best friend, witty in his own way and does me proud. He's also excelling in what he enjoys. Life will get better. X