To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

[beinghonestherenow]

And I can see why, although he’s only 3. I’m hoping to god he changes but it’s not looking hopeful.

He is really … unpleasant. I never hear him laugh unless it’s this horrible cackle (which goes right through me tbh) when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to.

The more annoyed or stern someone is with him the more he finds it funny.

He is aggressive and bites kicks and pushes, snatches toys, literally the second another child shows an interest in a toy he grabs it. I keep thinking this is getting better but then we’re back to square one.

I am worried about the impact it’s having on my marriage (I’m close to leaving tbh as I can’t cope) and our other child.

Thanks. I think it’s pointless chasing autism at the moment. I’m not convinced myself and I know nothing will happen. School will probably be the deciding factor and that’s not for a while.

Lockdown, me, general character, me, childcare, me …

The snatching and biting is what 3yr olds do until they learn not to.

does anyone else feel this way about your child? Have they said something?

do you feel like it is something only you are going through?

My firstborn was hard work and quite unpleasant up until the age of 4.

He was angry about everything, tantrummed about everything. He would kick, hit and spit at me.

This was back in the supernanny days. And although people love to hate her, we found her style worked. Clear boundaries. Time out. Though this ended up with me sitting outside his bedroom holding the door shut as he would come and hit/kick/spit at me. But it worked. Every time he just needed zero stimulation to calm down. Hugs didn't work, reasoning with him didn't work. He just needed time by himself.

It was awful. His whole baby and toddlerhood was awful. People would comment on it when we were out. My friends with other babies would comment - which was helpful on those days when I'd think it was me.

When he was about 3 and really violent I'd worry about this continuing when he was 15 and how he'd be able to really hurt me or someone else.

But it passed.

He's a teenager now and good as gold (so far). He calmed right down around age 4. Had some wobbles in primary (but the pandemic meant he had the opportunity to learn some self motivation and self discipline).

He still had his moments, but we all know the drill. He goes upstairs and has some time alone, and some time later it passes and we're all good again.

'Validating his feelings' and all the talking we're encouraged to do these days just doesn't work for him. It makes him spiral.

We're now having a similar thing with our youngest (8), but this focus on emotions at school is really causing him a problem. Ironically,

OP, you have my sympathy. I know it's not popular now but do try some firm boundaries. Hopefully like us it'll get better for you soon.

(We haven't had any ND suggested, but there are clear traits in the family.)

3 year olds are difficult. They haven't developed any social graces or niceties yet. You just have to continue modelling behaviour you want to see from him. He will get there.

Why you? Thats a lot of well, assuming that you can shape his personality with such effectiveness.

@Coatsoff42 it can be normal I know but it does feel it’s something that I think we are edging out of tolerance for. When he was 18 months / 2 obviously it happens but 3 … not that far off school really. Plus, what really worries me is not the ‘I’m playing with something and another kid takes it and I snatch it back’ - that’s understandable really. He will literally grab toys as other children pick them up. I can’t have play dates because he’s so territorial.

I do use a time out for when he’s violent but not sure it’s effective.

I know but I do blame myself.

You say it’s pointless giving consequence, but I think you probably mean negative consequences / punishment.
How does he respond to rewards?

I know you say you are not convinced he is nd, which is completely fair enough, but have you tried parenting him as if he might be? I’m not saying it would work but it could be worth a go.

Not brilliantly to be honest. What I find is he doesn’t seem to get he needs to do X to get Y. I’m fairly sure he does! But if you say that it he does X he will get Y he will drone on and on about Y without mentioning X!

I’m not sure how that would work.

There was a thread just like this last night. She was concerned that it was just his personality and basically not a nice person … I’ll try and find it. She got lots of advice and similar tales of horrendous 3 year olds that turned out well.

I am hoping he’ll grow out of it. This seems to be a particularly unpleasant phase - before this he was sometimes difficult but sometimes lovely. At the moment I only seem to have negative stuff and it’s horrible.

My son is ND and he suffers with traits of demand avoidance. He doesn't care about consequences and the flip side of this is that it makes him quite vulnerable as he gets older. He reacts really badly to loud noises, being shouted at or if you speak to him sharply he has left the house and run down the road in his bare feet in response to me trying to get him to stop fighting with his brother as I raised my voice and made him jump (I panicked as they were going to hurt each other). He could never say sorry, doesn't show remorse and doesn't seem to care. We end up in a negative down-spiral and the more trouble he gets in the more he acts out - his school career has been a challenge. We are in a much better place these days as praise, positive enforcement and keeping very calm have contributed to boundaries being respected. Try not to react to the little stuff, pick your battles and try to remain calm - I know it's hard. You may find he has ADHD and has a very busy head that makes it hard for him to focus and control his impulses. This is something you can get help with now. Understand that as he gets older it will get easier as he will be less confused and overwhelmed. I'm hoping you can speak to your GP - you need to make them aware ASAP that you are not coping and you need help. Take care of yourself, you need to stop worrying what other people think and focus on yourself and your family.

Look up strategies for low demand parenting or demand avoidance children, children with autism. Theres no harm in trying to find a way to connect and parent as if he is ND, if he turns out not to be then hey ho.

What brings him happiness? Park? His bike? Swimming? Can you do something together he enjoys?

I would Google something like, “what to do about child who doesn’t care about consequences”. You can guarantee that if your child is a particular way, there will be many others like him, and tried and tested methods that work.
It’s not impossible he’s neurodiverse or has a personality disorder. Lots of people have these issues, so he might just be one of them. I guess as he gets older,if these issues remain, more issues emerge, or it gets worse, then you know he will need assessment.
For now just be consistent, clear, make consequences black and white, clearly related to the thing he’s done, and dealt within the moment. See if you can find some way to connect with him, even if it’s not the way you’d like. My daughter, for example, is not particularly loving towards me but she’s happy enough to tell me about her special interest if I listen. Does he like a bedtime story? Do this every night if he likes it.

Maybe you should get some counselling, for you. Perhaps if you are able to talk about your feelings about him, in a safe space, you will find a way to connect with him more effectively.

Try ‘catching him being good’. Don’t wait for him to do something good on purpose. Be on the lookout for naturally occurring behaviours that you want to encourage and praise and reward the shit out of them!
”I love the way you’re sitting on your bottom”
”Thank you for speaking normally using kind words all through dinner. You’ve made me so happy I think we’ll have extra pudding.”
”I am so proud of the way you waited by the door like a big grown up boy, I’m going to tell your teacher how fantastic you are at waiting today!”

It won’t be an instant change. Drip drip drip of constant reinforcement of the existing good behaviour will encourage it to grow. Ignore undesirable behaviour as much as you can, and deal with the un-ignorable stuff as quickly and fuss-free as you can. Starve it of the oxygen of attention and nurture the little green shoots that you want to grow.

Honestly @OrangeSlices998 he doesn’t seem to care much about or for anything. I’ve got explosive child. Will have a look.

It will get better and he will grow up and settle down. I could have said a lot of the same things about my child but he has learnt and he has got friends.

My strategy for wrongdoing was:

1. Stop everything
2. Tell child what behaviour was wrong and why "Please don't snatch toys from other children. It's not nice and you need to share".
3. Consequence/punishment
4. Do again and again and again every time

I'm not perfect and I messed it up loads and lost my temper and shouted and was too soft then too hard but I tried to keep going consistently. This might help you, if not, don't worry, parenting is hard, you'll get there. Hugs x

That sounds so tough OP.
I can add nothing to the already great advice but please know you aren't alone.
I had a rollercoaster with my DS3 who is now four.
I'm getting somewhere with praising every small thing. Today I told him to set the places for dinner. I got each child doing a job. When I turned my back on him to help the other two. He'd opened some jelly pots and mixed with yogurt, which was everywhere. It was really hard to say well-done for setting the table and not go mental at the jelly everywhere. Then later he came and told me what I'd told him, repeated the words of praise back. I'm not saying this is a one size fits all but it's working for us right now. I'm tearing my hair out sometimes but each day I keep trying.
Still, there are days when nothing works like when I tried to get him relaxed and doing some yoga with me. He was doing ok then during tree pose he just switched, ran at me and pushed me over. He thought it was funny. I feel like every thing I do is behaviour management.

Why on earth not? If you think he needs assessment and support then you start to research and investigate it and push for that NOW. Because he is your child. You don’t just sit around helplessly saying “oh well if he is he is high functioning/won’t be assessed for years”. You are his mother not some random nursery teacher who can’t be bothered to look into things!

Thanks @ZeldaFighter . I can relate to that.

I would say before February we had some really tough times but there was a nice child there too. Still problems of finding a consequence but I felt like we were connected if you like, I sort of feel like that’s gone.

@Freakonaleash that sounds so DS, we’ll be having a lovely time reading then he’ll randomly throw every book off the shelf.

@Padfootnprongs i do try that but it does get to the stage where praise is as meaningless as telling off tbh.

Can you see a child psychologist? As others have said it does sound like potential ND and even in school he may learn to mask so you may not get any help. DD(7) was sometimes similar at age 3 and I remember writing a post where I had lots of people suggesting reading the exploding child (great book). As the frequency of her meltdowns / negative behavior became worse after starting school which we now know is due to her masking more, we had to go for a private Assesment. It was the best thing we ever did. It's still really hard sometimes but understanding why makes a huge difference to us. Have you looked at PDA profile?