To think my child is going to be the child everyone else avoids?

[beinghonestherenow]

And I can see why, although he’s only 3. I’m hoping to god he changes but it’s not looking hopeful.

He is really … unpleasant. I never hear him laugh unless it’s this horrible cackle (which goes right through me tbh) when he’s doing something he’s not supposed to.

The more annoyed or stern someone is with him the more he finds it funny.

He is aggressive and bites kicks and pushes, snatches toys, literally the second another child shows an interest in a toy he grabs it. I keep thinking this is getting better but then we’re back to square one.

I am worried about the impact it’s having on my marriage (I’m close to leaving tbh as I can’t cope) and our other child.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling. I hope you've been able to share how difficult you are finding things with your DH and how you need more support from him. He needs to share the load with you if you are finding things difficult.

Search for your closest family hub and ask for a place on one of their parenting courses for his age group. (some even offer free childcare while you take the course) This would give you both professional support learning to improve his behaviour and support from the other mums on the course.

At the moment he is getting more attention from you for negative behaviour. I know it’s hard, and it may feel counterintuitive, but research shows that ignoring as much negative behaviour as possible (as long as they are not hurting themselves or others) and increasing praise for any tiny positive things you can think of will gradually show him that positive behaviour is what gets your attention.

Things like snatching toys is typically of a three year old but difficult because you have to show it is unacceptable without giving a lot of negative attention. Focus on how the other child who has been ‘wronged’ is feeling. Child x is feeling sad because you took the toy. It would be kind to let child x have a turn.

One of the most important things is to have uninterrupted time where you play with your child each day eg 15-20 mins. You can then use toys to explore common situations together and name feelings. E.g. His toy bashes another toy. “Toy x feels sad because they were hurt” Or all the toys take turns on something. “Can toy x have a turn please?’ ‘It’s your turn now.’

None of this is a magic bullet that works over night and could take weeks to start seeing results hence why support from parents and course leaders would be beneficial as you try these new techniques.

I'd like to echo this poster - the building of evidence really does help with support.

I'd suggest reaching out to nursery as well - they'll be able to talk through strategies, and even suggest ways that the local LA can help. They did for me - and it was really tough to ask for support.

My child was later diagnosed with autism and PDA and (due to lockdown) our EHCP was delayed until he was at the end of Reception. If we'd been able to get it before he started school it would have made his life (and mine to be honest) much easier.

I know things feel pretty dark right now, I really have been there. It's terrifying and draining to worry about your child's future. My husband is in the Armed Forces so hardly ever around like yours.

I don’t know if this helps at all… our experience of our 3-4 year old was tough, lots of yelling/screaming, hitting at us and at school. A lot of tantrums. A year ago she was hitting or kicking her teachers most days at school, she bit a teacher etc. The range of developmentally normal is pretty wide so her pediatrician was not concerned but the school was so we got her assessed for behavioral disorders by a psychologist. The only finding was some anxiety and it became increasingly apparent that there were problems with her school - we spent 6 months assuming the problem was our parenting or our child having a behavioral disorder. We ended up moving her to a different, totally standard preschool because they had extra support available but in the end, she has needed none. Almost immediately the tantrums stopped, the trouble with transitions stopped, she stopped hitting, anywhere. There were a variety of issues with the old school but it boiled down to her just not believing the teachers would help her or keep her safe (her behavior was targeted at adults but there were a lot of other kids in the class who were aggressive towards other kids and the teachers were too few and too inexperienced to stop them) so she was constantly on the defensive.

The old school was just a really really bad fit for her and their insistence on her having a behavioral disorder rather than examining whether they were doing anything to exacerbate the situation meant her anxiety was at an 8 ALL THE TIME so it took very little to push her over the edge and explode.

We also took a parenting class based on 1,2,3 magic and that really helped DH make sure we were on the same page so we could be consistent and it’s frankly just a helpful platform, especially for not getting sucked into her yelling. We also saw a behavioral therapist who basically acted like a parenting coach for us which was great, I was able to talk through problems and he pointed out some stuff that was super obvious but I’d totally missed. He did some sessions with DD but he was clear she was just being a 4yo so most was focused on helping us as parents respond better.

Where we live we were able to access all that through health insurance with a minimal cost to us, but given the difference to all ours lives it made, I would have sacrificed A LOT to pay for the psychologist and the therapist.

Point of my story, it’s worth getting an assessment, it doesn’t have to be for xxx specifuc thing but gets an outside perspective. Worth taking a parenting class and worth getting support from a behavioral therapist. It’s also worth examining whether there are any settings he is in regularly that could be triggering the kind of situation we had.

I think impulse control can be very low for some kids at that age. My son was very similar. He didn't understand sharing and would immediately grab toys from other children, he was aggressive and had horrible tantrums and meltdowns lasting hours. It took a solid 18 months for his behaviour to improve. I basically had to helicopter parent and watch his every move. At times we had to correct every bad behaviour constantly and give positive reinforcement. At other times we ignored all bad behaviours as he simply wanted attention. It was trial and error and we worked closely with his school. It was tedious and exhausting having to be so consistent never letting anything slide but his behaviour gradually improved. He will now happily share his toys and is rarely aggressive. Best of luck I hope you find a solution that works for you.

They’ll actually be relying most on what you think, not nursery or school or clubs. I only mention this as lots of children mask. They would then do their own assessments and ask lots of in-depth questions as well as reading paperwork you (and nursery or school) have filled out. The educational side carries weight, but only in so much as whether they have noticed something, the parent’s voice is the one that is crucial as they are with the child the most and the child is most comfortable with them.

Have you looked into PACE by Dan Hughes? Also not sure if there are any courses or workshops through your children’s centre but some do really good parenting advice for situations exactly like this. Your child does not have to be ND to attend, but they look at early development and any behavioural issues you have at the moment. They often approach it in alternative ways, still with strong boundaries, but looking for ways to connect and understand what their behaviour is communicating. They can be very helpful and it can be good to realise you’re not alone in finding some behaviour tough.

I don’t have any advice OP, in fact I’m screenshotting madly here to read the advice you’re getting. My daughter is not entirely similar to your son but we do have some struggles. I just want to send massive solidarity and good wishes to you.

If his behaviour is as extreme as you say then yes he needs to be on waiting lists.

If you think it's a parenting issue maybe look into parenting classes on line? Consistency is important. Even if it feels futile. If he bites he gets removed immediately. Every time. For at least a couple of months. Or something like that.

Sorry I haven't been able to read through whole post and I'm sure others have suggested it but you could just call your health visitor to run it by them, get some moral support and flag that you're struggling. See what they can suggest if you haven't already? Even if you don't want to have assessments yet there's no harm in asking for help and at least that way it will flag up that you've sought advice if you needed to follow through with referrals in future. I would be mindful that even if you waited until school to see how he gets on, there would still be a wait to get assessed, so could be better to get on the waiting list sooner rather than later to avoid delays in getting help set up if he does need it. I honestly think anyone would see you're a parent concerned for their child, not crying would or exaggerating. And if they do say or think anything bad that's on them and not you.

Children can mask their behaviors and show them most to people they trust, I know that's hard to accept when you're getting the brunt of his anger/frustration but also remember his brain is still an infants brain. Hopefully some of the suggestions you've received will help. I've found Sarah Ockwell Smith great for evidence based info and advice (again sorry if she's already been suggested to you).

First of all, you are not to blame. You're obviously a caring and concerned mum! Three is the age for asserting their independence and pushing boundaries. You need a calm and VERY consistent approach. Decide on consequences for the behaviour (snatching, throwing etc) and stick to them. Both parents and any other caregivers, same approach. Keep calm and tough it out, pick your battles and make sure you follow through. When he's good, praise him to high heaven, stickers, stars and lots of loving attention! Try ignoring/distracting for low level annoying behaviour. Honestly I've known lots of children who were impossible at this age and have grown up into lovely young people. Don't lose heart 💐

Honestly, this was my exact three year old. I felt like I’d tried everything inposssibly could and cried more times than I could count because I genuinely feared I might be raising a psychopath. Fast forward 12 years and she’s a genuinely lovely young woman. Kind, empathetic, intelligent, funny. I get complimented about her all the time. (Meanwhile my funny, sweet, affectionate three year old is now my stereotypical nightmare teen).
I know it sounds trite to say hang in there, but three is not the age that tells you how they’re going to be their whole childhoods. And it’s a tough, tough age for a lot of kids. I can’t remember when my eldest got better but I do remember at times feeling like I was literally just making it through a day at a time. I think starting school helped somewhat although that could have also just been gaining a little more maturity.

Has your DS recently changed/ increased hours at nursery/ changed rooms etc? As they are getting older the expectations of the adults around them increase - eg expected to sit for longer, put on own shoes etc. And while they may be capable of doing all those things, the effort of masking/managing it means there I more energy/disregulation to come out at home, when they are able to drop the mask. Like shaking a can of fizzy drink, and when they get home it's opened and explodes everywhere. Some children become more tired as a result, for some it is more extreme. It would account for nursery not experiencing much difficulty compared to home. Keep your boundaries firm but try to reduce demands/decisions needed from your DS. I second the idea of following some ND parenting strategies - because even if assessed and diagnosed in the future, a lot would still come down to strategies . And if he outgrows ths behaviour then no harm done, those strategies work for neurotypical children too. Does your DS want to play with the other children but not know how to start this, hence the territorial actions? Have you tried massively over the top joining in and leading the playing, commentating as you go? Or perhaps he finds them hard to predict so better out of his space?

I hope things get easier for you soon. It's clear you really want the best for him.

Pick your battles
All this will pass

I always had a soft spot for the mums (and it absolutely was only women) making huge parenting efforts when their kids were going through tough stages.
We tended to judge the lazy mums, not the ones dealing with challenging times. Please reach out, find some really lovely people who can witness and support you while your kids grow.
Best wishes

Sounds alot like my DS at that age (and often now at 7 I'm sorry to say). He has ADHD and Autism. The best thing you can do if he could potentially be ND is get the ball rolling. Reception for my ND child without an EHCP was abit like throwing him into a lions den. It took a long long time to rebuild his confidence. I've also found with my second DC that it is much easier to gain support for ND during the pre school years. The more school know the better, especially in a small school.

Has he been exposed to aggressive behaviour at all? My advice is to not exactly "smother" him with love, but to encourage him to be nice and reward him with hugs and praise when he does.

OP it can't all be you as you already have one nice child. So you must have done something right there. What has been the big difference? Different nursery? Has he been kore spoilt than the first child?
At 3 it's fixable. And you will most likely find that school will be the making of him.
Is he quite smart for his age? A lot of very intelligent children are badly behaved as they test boundaries.

My youngest boy ( now 25) was a demon child. So so difficult, wining, going stiff, crying and really bloody hard !

He's turned out to be the nicest, gentlest and kind hearted boy ever !

Dont lose faith ! It does get better

Have you looked into support / help for yourself, op, quite apart from your ds? I’m only saying that because your state of mind seems extremely negative and bleak, and you say yourself that you’re in a dark place. Have you considered going to your gp for help? It won’t change the situation with your ds but may help you to cope with it better?

You’re making a lot of negative assumptions about the way things will go if you ask for support with your ds, or ask for a referral for assessment. If you ignore this and don’t advocate for him, you risk letting him down, and all the catastrophic thoughts you’re having g about the future become a self fulfilling prophecy.

OP, kindly, you keep posting the same thing - is this the third thread now?

Regardless of your little boy’s behaviour, sweetheart YOU need to address this in yourself. Previously you refused to consider speaking to your GP. But honestly you need to start with YOU and go from there. With such a young baby too this screams of post natal issues. X

I recognise you from your other threads. I do think it's worth aggressively pursuing a diagnosis for him. You know something is not 'right' - it's why you post here over and over again. That's not a criticism - it's an acknowledgement that you are searching for something. Getting a diagnosis is really hard and you need to push very hard and advocate for your child. You'll also be up against long waiting lists and obstructive, gatekeeping professionals, so be prepared for battle. I hope the toilet training is at least getting better and you're managing to avoid the younger child getting hurt now.

So I can’t post on here now. Wonderful 😂

If it’s tough I can say so, surely. Even getting a GP appointment isn’t straightforward and would take several weeks. But I’ll STFU 👍🏻

First I'm sorry that you're struggling like this, OP.
It's hard to make a comment regarding your child, since he's just 3 yo and for other obvious reasons.
The anger and doing things out of "malice",
if I may, would concern me most. Your boy might well be ND, but I think you are right to be concerned, such examples at such young age.
I'd suggest assessment asap.
Your boy sounds intelligent, if such judgement
is possible.
Cannot advise on something I don't know much about.💝

I hear you, and I think you are seeing your son clearly.

I recommend you see your child’s GP and the reason you tell the Receptionist is “worried about his development” this will get you an appt.
Make a factual list of his behaviors that concern you. It’s ok to say “I see other children do this and my son doesn’t”
Take your own emotions out of the list.

Your son might have hearing or sight impairment. Or, there might be something else going on.

The earlier you are aware, the better the outcomes. The sooner you know how to help, the less you will feel confused. Then you, and partner can work together instead of one person thinking the other is making mistakes.

Tomorrow, call the GP and make the appointment. You will feel better taking action.

Leaving aside the fact the red flags for ND issues in your posts could be seen from out of space, have you considered that ADHD can also fit within that framework - which could be associated with impulsivity and some of the behaviours? I have 4 children with ADHD (I have it and there is a strong genetic component). One of my children is a little similar - for him, he needs to be constantly stimulated and run out like a dog. From about 5, he was doing a sport activity everyday as well as school. It has always seemed a bit much, but the consequences to not are worse! He is 8 now and on track to be a very high level sports player, if that’s what he wants. He plays around 10 hours a week in his preferred sport, plus a few other team sports and swimming. It has really been the way to keep him in line!

OP - kindly, but what would you like us all to say? Everyone is offering kind, thoughtful and practical advice - but you're finding fault with almost everything that is said.

For what it's worth, my son went to the small local school who were brilliant. Smaller school = smaller community, everyone knows everyone (and that's a good thing) smaller class sizes means more individual attention on children. He was invited to every party in Reception and Yr1. He transferred to SS in Year 2 and continues to be invited to parties at his old school. I was open, honest and clear about his struggles and the other parents were overwhelmingly kind and wanting to make adjustments so that he could come to parties.

But - I did the research, worked with nursery and school continuously and fought for every tiny scrap of support I could get my hands on for him.

I know things feel dark right now, I've already said that previously on this thread. Take a deep breath, have some rest and start tomorrow with a plan. I'd strongly suggest talking to your HV, his nursery and see what support is out there for both him and yourself.

You can do this - everyone is just trying to help here.