SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

[shootingstar001]

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

• Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
• Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
• Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
• Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
• Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
• A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

Urgh they sound horrific!

That isn't gentle parenting. That's not parenting at all!

They're gonna be shocked when they learn about toilets.

My god that is horrifying I wouldn't go away with them again. They seem to have misunderstood gentle parenting to inept parenting !

Poo in a car park! They sound feral or worse lol I wouldn’t be going anywhere with them again in a hurry

Good job you don't live nearby and you decline any invitations to go away with them again. If they ask why be honest.

Do you mean poo in a potty in public places? Or just on the ground?

I'd stop spending time with them tbh. You can either make excuses, or you can diplomatically tell them you find their children's behaviour too stressful to be around. I don't imagine that conversation would go down well though, they don't sound like they would take any criticism well!

I was prepared to say from your title they are their kids and it’s their business. But these kids sound fucking feral. No wonder you’re tense and they ruined your trip

No, this is not normal or acceptable and it's not 'gentle parenting' either. It's lazy and disengaged parenting.

I don't think you should say anything, in the sense of telling them how to parent their children, because they should know this is unacceptable. They aren't going to suddenly wise up because you've told them.

But honestly, I wouldn't tolerate this happening in my presence and I would distance myself a bit if it's becoming intolerable. Ask if they'd like to meet up without the kids? Dh could meet up with his sibling one-to-one rather than as couples to avoid the childcare issue? Or you just are honest and say that you find spending time together with the kids to be a bit much and just don't see them as often.

To be fair, a trip/mini break with family is hard work. We have BIL/SIL who often want to spend long stretches of time with us/our dc and it isn't enjoyable. I get that they want to see them, and I think they do it because they like playing uncle/aunt as similarly don't have children themselves. But it's not ideal and it's stressful for the kids and us. So you almost certainly are not catching the parents/kids on their best days if this is how you are spending time with them - coffee and a trip to the playground would be better than a mini break. But still no excuse for bad parenting.

Throwing stones at strangers? Yeah, none of that is acceptable. Seems they aren't parenting at all.

That’s permissive parenting not gentle parenting. It would be the last time I went on holiday with them. Visit theirs next time and stay in a nearby hotel!

That’s permissive parenting, i.e. no parenting. It won’t get better as they are being given no boundaries around acceptable behaviour. Anything is acceptable to their parents. They’ll just get worse, but bigger and stronger. Then their parents will throw their hands up at why they are out of control 🫣

YANBU, that's disgusting and so inappropriate. No parent should allow their child to hurt or try to hurt someone else. Honestly if I were you, I wouldn't go away with them again.

This is lazy and barely even parenting. It sounds neglectful and abusive to be honest. Those poor kids.

i wonder how much of this behaviour was more your interpretation of what happened.

weeing in the swimming pool... did you over hear mum and dad say 'its ok jimmy just pee in the pool' or ws it a case of jimmy announcing 'ive just wee'd in the pool' and mum and dad did not tell him off (at 2 years old they are barely potty trainined).

would need more information on poo'ing in a car park... as in did they just drop and squat and shit.. did mum and dad say, just take a dump there lad you'll be ok, or was it a case of 'mummy i've poo'd' and the parents have not told them off?

allowing them to throw stones at people passing, as in here ya go jimy he's a good rock.. see who you can hit or jimmy was throwing stones and mum and did didn't immediately give them a punch?

punching? you said his arms were windmilling... thats a toddler with lots of energy letting off steam probably accidently cathing passing tourists...

kids scream... its not about being allowed to scream.. its what they do. boring aunty and uncle were being all adult and they wanted attention.

fake crying... again boring aunty and uncle wanting mummy and daddy to be all grown up.

while there are 2 sides to every story, im going to guess the fact you do not have children shines through here.... parents normally, but there are ofcourse expecptions allow all of this... but sometimes it happens

Was the poo in a potty? At the potty-training stage if you're in a park and not near a toilet/they're disgusting, it's not uncommon to see children doing this. They even design potties that absolutely lock 'everything' in for the exact purposes of you having to travel round with them until they can be emptied.

And it's different for everyone but I can't get worked up about a child weeing in a pool. I expect most people do it and don't announce it, and I haven't gotten ill yet.

I’d probably just avoid them for the next 12 years or so. I couldn’t be around that

Good points. Were they throwing rocks at people innocently OP?

Oh god the pooing? And stone throwing? Definitely say it to them, someone has to teach those kids to stop (in the playground there’s two children that throw stones out of the playground all the time. One of the other mothers said to them they could cause an accident and the girl said ‘so?’ And the mother said ‘hold on and I’ll get the principal to explain it to you’ and the child stopped (they’re all afraid of the principal😅)

"gentle" parenting? It's NO parenting. Their children are horrible brats, and the parents are to blame - they'll regret that, in time.

Just for some context to address a couple of these comments - neither the pool peeing or the pooing in the pub garden were 'little accidents'

Pool peeing - we were sitting round the pool area having drinks. He walked to the edge of the pool, pulled his pants down and weed into it. Second time he'd done it apparently. SIL laughed.

Pub garden poo - Just wanted to go there. He didn't want to be taken to the toilet so they just let him do what he wanted

Same kid. Pretty sure he's supposed to be potty trained.

Is @adviceaunt your sister?

Whatever you do don’t lose contact because we'll need the thread updating when they hit puberty 😂

That's not parenting at all. I wouldn't bother saying anything, I just wouldn't go away with them again this would totally ruin it for me.