SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

[shootingstar001]

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

• Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
• Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
• Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
• Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
• Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
• A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

Throwing stones at people - or even around people - is not something any sane parent would accept. At 2 and 4 years old, they need to be told firmly that this is dangerous, they can really hurt someone, etc.

A 2-year old flailing arms around in a crowded area either needs to be told to stop, or if he cant, then needs to be removed to where he can't hit anyone. A park or a time out in bedroom of villa, depending on intent!!

Screaming indoors - DC do have piercing squeaky voices, and dont have good volume control! If it was entirely deliberate full on screaming then again told no - when they stop, a quiet "well done" and some attention. If they carry on, then ultimately, removed. DC could always have plain boring supermarket /corner shop stuff for that one meal if necessary, not the nice restaurant food.

You won’t be able to ride this out. Your ‘great’ bil and sil are neglectful parents and their kids will wind up in hospital or jail for punching and throwing rocks. Just wow. If I saw a strangers kid throwing rocks I’d take it off them. Would be very tempting to tell the kids if you HAVE to punch someone make it your parents. If you HAVE to throw rocks at someone make it your parents, 1. They love you the most, and 2 maybe that will encourage them to parent.

Step back and spend less time with them.

It won't get better.

Voice of experience.

You haven't 'given a different perspective'. You've just invented a completely different set of events.

Well I have children, and I think the behaviour described is completely out of order and the parents should be dealing with it.

Children need to be taught appropriate behaviour ie not screaming in restaurants where it disturbs other people, not running round hitting into other people in a crowded street, not shitting in a public place, certainly not throwing objects at passers by ffs.

Yes children need to expend energy and let off steam - in the appropriate environments - and it's up to their parents to facilitate that.

I’m really curious why you call them great people? What are their redeeming features because I’m seeing massive entitlement, a complete lack of boundaries, no respect for other people’s safety, and negligence which is edging close to child abuse.

Are they humanitarian aid workers in their spare time or something to make you overlook these character flaws?

That is not gentle parenting, it is no parenting.

Letting a kid wee in a pool when they're in the pool - fine. Nobody truly cares

I definitely care, thanks. I don't want to swim through a dissipating cloud of toddler piss any more than I want to swim through a dissipating cloud of adult piss. It's not like a child's urine is somehow a different or more pleasant substance to an adult's.

Where do you live that children with special needs are allowed to throw rocks at people or punch them without repercussions? They will get bigger and either hurt someone or get punched back. I hope the latter, its preferable to them hurting someone. But the kids are victims really.
how would you feeL about having them for a sleepover op? One where you have real rules, laid out at the outset. No dessert for anyone who poos anywhere but the toilet. Don’t throw anything at anyone that you don’t want someone to throw at you. Hitting is a time out. They might hate it, but they might love some real normal healthy boundaries 🤷‍♀️ you could try!

all of the comments so far are hilarious... litterally you have taken the OP at her word. there is no scope for another interpretation of events.

if this post had come from an actual parent i would have been a little more forgiving, but this is a non-parents perception and description (remember we were not there so we do not know what actually did happen its only what the OP has seen) and everyone is coming for me because i have not said

this is disgusting behaviour, social services must be contacted immediately and these children should be removed to a safe environment!

give your heads a shake...

They are shit parents OP. Although you're deluded if you don't think kids wee in swimming pools 😆

It’s not gentle parenting, it’s just not parenting and I’ve never met a “great person” who parented this way. A selfish person, lazy definitely, an oblivious person maybe, an entitled one, sure. But never a great person that thinks their kid throwing rocks at people is acceptable.

It’s only going to get worse as the kids get older so save yourself some awkwardness and embarrassment and distance yourselves. These kind of parents go all in and don’t back down as nothing is ever their fault, and the child is never in the wrong.

Since you don’t have children I can’t imagine they’d take kindly to their free spirited approach being questioned but you’re not unreasonable at all to not want the general public to judge you and your husband when you’re out with them (and since you mentioned a passer by tried to tell them to stop hitting people too I imagine it’s quite the scene). Who really wants to see a child poo in the middle of a street (yes we’ve all had a potty training child who needs an emergency toilet stop but you’d try to protect their modest in public and be discreet if the worst was happening imminently and not just let them expose themselves to anyone?)

I’m fascinated to know how children throwing stones at random passers whilst their parents passively look on could be being misinterpreted by a non-parent.

Don't contradict yourself... If the OP was playing the role of 'judgy aunt' in your words, I'm not sure any offers of 'help' would have gone down well

This is feral behaviour. It’s not gentle parenting- general parenting has boundaries and consequences still. This is just being too lazy/scared to parent.

I think you're the one who needs to give your head a shake, you've come on a post. Completely made up fake scenarios, insulted the op numerous times and made a complete fool of yourself.

I'd imagine that your parenting skills are good as your reading skills. The OP has mentioned the children's ages multiple times.
Not sure why you seem hell bent on excusing this shitty parenting unless you parent in a similar way and it's hitting a nerve.

OP- I'd distance myself as sadly the kids will most likely become even more badly behaved than they are now- which is sad for them too. I feel so sorry for kids who have parents who wont teach them boundaries and what is socially acceptable.

Wondered how long before someone would blame 'special needs'. It's not a fucking free pass for disgusting behaviour you know. Should I feel sorry for the kid who physically attacked my son in school because they have ADHD?

To be fair, I have a friend who didn't say more than "don't hit dear" when her two year old tried to belt my newborn with a stick. She's a very well meaning dick in lots of ways. Like, she's really proactive at staying in touch, but at the same time will make annoying comments. She'll muck in with anything, but will also expect people to go to huge lengths that they can't necessarily manage.

She's a bloody rollercoaster of friendship, but it's never for the lack of well-meaning effort.

That's not gentle parenting, it's not parenting.

I don't think it's really your place to say though.

@adviceaunt are you the OP's SIL?

My child is SEN. No way on Earth would she get away with throwing rocks at people.

The only people she hurts outside of herself, is us.

Any parent of a child with SEN who stands by and does NOTHING with all of these, is being neglectful.

You must be reading a different thread to the rest of us. There really is no excuse for any of the incidents that OP describes.

Of course there is a risk with any thread that the OP is making the whole thing up, but as readers we kind of have to take the OP at face value and base our responses on that. Of course there are 2 sides to every story but even if the OP is putting a bit of a spin on things for dramatic affect, these parents are clearly absolutely pathetic.

@adviceaunt you must be the SIL! And - the ages of the children were in the OP.