SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

[shootingstar001]

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

• Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
• Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
• Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
• Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
• Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
• A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

This is so bad, and your reaction is so muted, that I can’t actually believe it is real

Then why post at all? If you can't comment without all sides of the story.

That is every damn thread on this whole site. You only ever get one side of the story. Do you jump on every single thread and demand that everyone stops commenting as you don't have all the sides of the story?

allowing them to throw stones at people passing, as in here ya go jimy he's a good rock.. see who you can hit or jimmy was throwing stones and mum and did didn't immediately give them a punch?

@adviceaunt do you really lack the ability to imagine that there might be a middle ground between handing a rock to a child to throw at others and punching him for doing it?

If you are a parent, did/do you always opt to either encourage awful behaviour or physically abuse your child?
I suspect you're just enjoying winding up the other posters on this thread. However, just in case you are genuinely finding understanding this issue to be a challenge:
Most sane adults, whether parents or not would understand that it's the parents' responsibility in this situation to intervene and stop the rock-throwing and then, if developmentally appropriate, explain why the behaviour shouldn't be repeated and that this won't be permitted.

Parenting of NT and ND DCs involves active intervention to ensure that children don't pee on people, shit on the ground, throw rocks, scream indoors, etc. The methods need to be adapted, of course, to match the age and cognition of the child. Just sitting back, as described in the OP, and watching with an indulgent smile is never acceptable and nor is telling the child that an adult who intervenes appropriately is nasty.

This isn’t gentle parenting. With gentle parenting there are still rules and boundaries- very much so. It’s just that they are imposed by being calm, firm and consistent, not by shouting at or belittling the child. They certainly aren’t allowed to just do as they like with no consequences. Like if a two year old went to poo in a public place like that, the gentle parent wouldn’t just let them do it! They would tell them not to, and if the child ignored them they would stay calm and say, while leading the child to the bathroom, ‘I can’t let you do that because it’s dirty but you are having a hard time listening to me so I’m going to take you to the bathroom’. Gentle parenting also acknowledges the child’s feelings, so a parent might say ‘you feel like it’s fun to throw stones, but it hurts people, so if you can’t stop on your own I’m going to take these away’.

This isn’t parenting of any kind, it’s just laziness and it’s pretty vile. If you don’t feel you have the sort of relationship with them where you can say ‘why do you let them do that? It’s really not on’ then they’d be finding themselves seeing a lot less of me.

I would also be asking for the family to be removed from said pub as it is plain disgusting.

Gentle parenting does not mean not saying no. It just means you explain the no!

What a load of crap. As others have said this is not parenting it’s laziness and neglect.

Do you doubt everything anyone posts on MN or just these ones that’s talking about bad behaving kids from crappy parents? You’re extremely defensive on the subject which makes me think you’re the SIL or you’re the same with your kids and family have hinted at it!!

This is not gentle parenting. Gentle parents have very firm bohndaries. I would class myself as a gentle parent and I would never let my children do any of these things.
The examples are permissive parenting. Please don’t lump gentle parents in with people like this!

Adviceaunt also hasn't read any of the previous threads so is being flippant as she doesn't have enough info.

Well it depends on ur relationship really, me and my sister are close I'd straight up tell her kids off and she would woth mine too but I suppose it's abit different if they don't ever tell them off themselves 😬 I'd perhaps giggle and say u can't do that, keep it light in your situation?! I wouldn't not see them over it though I'd suck it up and just inwardly cringe 🤷‍♀️

That style of parenting sounds like the reason my eldest child hates some of the kids in her class. Absolutely no boundaries (no SEN either). They're just little sods who think it's ok to throw a punch because someone looked at them. Constantly disruptive and attention seeking, they make school miserable for kids and teachers. I'd say something along the lines of "I appreciate you have your own parenting style, but the lack of boundaries really disrupted our enjoyment of the holiday. We'd rather go alone next time".

This is not gentle parenting. It is absent parenting. They sound like complete idiots tbh

This isn’t gentle parenting this is no parenting.
sometimes my kids need to go in a bush and I’m fine with that if there’s literally no other options. But the rest no way…. Personally I would steer clear of holidays with them for now. If you mention it to them they won’t “get it” as they’ll allow in this to begin with.

DS has ADHD and ASD so we have to parent him a bit differently (to stop some situations getting worse and defuse it a bit) but none of these things would have gone without us telling him to stop/removing privileges if he didn’t/just removing him from the restaurant until he calmed down and stopped.

In fairness the only one of those things he’s probably done is been too loud in a restaurant (which I imagine most kids have been at least once in their lives) but he gets told to use his inside voice and calm down.

Problem is with these kind of parents is they're setting the kids up for a whole load of trouble and upset.
No one wants to play with the Naughty kid
No one wants to invite the Naughty kid to their party
The don't settle well st school because they don't respect rules.
I had two boys they used to bring the odd friend home the Naughty unruly ones didn't get to come back again.

Ignore this condescending post. You don’t have to have kids yourself to know their behaviour is unacceptable.
No, not all kids scream in restaurants or are allowed to throw stones at people without consequences.
What a batshit reply.

This is not normal

I truly hope that they intend to home school. Children who have no rules at all will (naturally) kick off in a structured environment. Not fair on the teachers or the classmates.

This sounds like I could have written this about SIL AND BIL parenting style for our nephews (age 6 and 4). As it’s my dh’s sis I don’t feel like I can say too much to them but I have ended up telling both dn off when they a) hurt another child on purpose, b) threw a greasy sausage on my dd new top c) ran into a busy road. It’s massively stressful being around them. I wonder about their behaviour and how they will struggle when they are older. DH’s family are keen for us to all go on holiday together again but there is no chance I will be going. We went away last year and I needed a holiday to recover 😂. I don’t think you would be unreasonable to distance yourself as sad as that is.

My in laws were the same although their ‘style’ involved lots of shouting and threats but no action. Family events were always fraught as a result and as the kids got older it all got worse. The kids are late teens now and we still don’t enjoy spending time with the family. Individually they range from ok to fine but put them together and their family dynamic kicks in and they’re hellish. We (and other family members) have spoken to the parents about it on numerous occasions but they just laugh and shrug.. So the upshot from my experience is you just put up with it or avoid them.

I'd never go out with them again. They sound dreadful. Screaming is awful. My kids get told off even for doing it outside or at the play park. Having fun and playful noises are grand, high pitch screaming is only acceptable if your life is in danger in our house. 🤣

Yeah I wouldn’t be holidaying with them again. Slack, lazy parenting. This is not gentle parenting it’s CBA parenting, and their invitations to things will dry up as no one else will want to put up with that BS

The circumstances in which adviceaunt thinks it could be ok seem to be if it happened in a completely different way and OP is essentially making it up . They clearly either haven’t read the facts or for some reason are determined to ignore them.

Googl this, it really helps understanding the different parenting types and might be the perfect article to share with them to help them:
4 Types of Parenting Styles in Developmental Psychology and Why It MattersBY ASHLEY SODERLUND PH.D.