SIL and BILs parenting style - is this okay or AIBU?

[shootingstar001]

Me and DH recently went on a short break with his sister and her husband.They have 2 children 2 and 5.

we live really far away so obviously we don’t see them super regularly but when we are all together we’ll do something with them for longer stretch of quality time like a trip or mini break.

we’ve both noticed before that they don’t seem to ever discipline their kids or say no - this is obviously a conscious choice they’ve made together. I’m aware that a ‘gentle parenting’ style is a bit more of modern choice but to me the complete lack of boundaries was really visible and really affected us and everyone around us. We both found it quite shocking especially in public settings like going for dinner etc. They seemed a bit oblivious but me and DH felt really tense by the end as there was always an ‘incident’ or two everyday. It did sort of ruin the end of the holiday.

Few of things that happened (sorry some of these are bit gross)

• Allowed their 2 yr old DS to wee in the shared villa pool
• Allowed 2 year old to poo in a public spaces (not in toilet)- pub garden/public park etc
• Allowed both kids to play a game throwing large rocks and pebbles at people walking by
• Their 2 year old is also going through a phase of punching - at one point wandering down some narrow packed touristy streets just windmilling around punching people walking by. BIL just stood passively and watched. The boy then had a massive crying tantrum when another tourist told him to stop. BIL comforted him about the ‘nasty man’
• Allowing 5 year DD to scream continuously in high pitched tone in restaurants (happened several times) - going through a phase of thinking it’s funny - both didn’t tell her to stop. DH did gently tell her a few times that we weren’t enjoying in perhaps other eating dinner might not like it either. Both parents said nothing.
• A lot of tantrums/fake crying - no intervention/words.

We never had kids so I’m really aware that I might not ‘get it’ - because of this we both feel that questioning someone parenting style might be a bit of a d**k move but it does really marr the time we spend with them.

Do we say something or just ride it out until the kids are a bit older and it’s everything is just a bit easier?

Really don’t want to damage my relationship with my SIL and BIL but also starting to dread family time with them. Advice please!

As with pp, it doesnt sound great but what is the pooing situation exactly? We are currently potty training our 2yr old and she doesn't yet have the ability to tell us long enough in advance that she needs to use the potty, for us to get to a public toilet if we are in a park. We literally get 15 seconds warning. We carry a travel potty with us which locks everything inside for her to sit on immediately and then we take that to the toilet for disposal. Or do you mean they literally dropped their trousers and pooed on the ground, which sounds horrendous!

Terrible parenting.
Choices; say something - won't go well.
Put up with it - but why would you?
Stop going anywhere in public with them - I think I'd do this for a while, see how things develop.
But you are not being unreasonable to not like any of this!

Was this all in one trip? (The villa bit sounded like an overseas holiday and the pub garden poo incident sounds like a U.K. location). Just trying to work out if it’s happened before why the hell you agreed to go again?

Gentle parenting isn't about letting your child do whatever they want.
Gentle parenting is about letting your child have natural consequences and giving them time to do things on their own and not interrupting when they are learning IE you want to leave the house but the toddler is concentrating trying to put on their own shoes, you don't interrupt them BUT you will have already for seen this and factored in the extra time to your journey so you don't get exasperated and angry at them snatching the shoe off them and doing it for them.

It's not about letting them go to the toilet wherever they want or throwing stones, if the child wanted to play with the stones as a gentle parent you might correct them that throwing stones is dangerous and might hurt someone and redirect them to stacking or lining the stones up and then ensuring they were returned at the end, if the child continues to throw the you removed them from the situation.

you see you have drip fed information.... what was mum supposed to do about little jimmy taking a riddle i the pool under those circumstances with judgy aunty scowling..

pub garden... so parents knew he needed a poo, but ht refused the toilet so they just let him pull down his pants, cop a squat and hey presto? or did he just take the position all kids do when they need a poo... and poop his pants.. like all kids being potty trained do?

what age is this child? if its the 2 year old... i'd say barely potty trained.

I have kids. Your in laws are dicks.

They sound like right scroats/chavs.

That's vile. But if you say anything you're relationship will be screwed!

Jesus, it didn’t take long for the SIL to discover this thread, did it.

That is dreadful. My God! I always think I might be too soft with my kids but this is off the scale. I can't tell if they're lazy or entitled or what.
I mean I don't know what you can do about it but that's really not normal, even for gentle parenting.

I think that you might look back on how you perceive things when/if you have children and feel differently about some of these things.

None of it is great and I would be telling my children off but, just so you know the next time you get in a swimming pool, swim nappies are only designed to hold in poo so every time any child in one does a wee, it goes straight into the pool water.

just because i can see a different side to everyone else... its not easy taking kids on holiday and having judgey non parents scowling.

every has simply taken the OP at their word... this must now be law.. what is written is true..

its hilarious that some people simply cannot accept that the OP may have used poetic license to get everyone on side and if someone disagrees with OP then they must be dragged into the streets and burned like a witch

That's not gentle parenting. That's negligence.

What fresh hell is this? I knew it wouldn't be long before a poster came along to excuse shitty parenting.

If your child wee's in a swimming pool and tells you about it after, then you explain that it's gross and unacceptable.

If you're child comes up and tells you that they've just pulled down their pants and done a poo in the park, then you explain that it's gross and unacceptable.

There is a middle ground between allowing your kid throw rocks at people and punching them to discipline you know. If your child throws rocks at people then you stop them immediately, apologise to the people and explain that it's dangerous and unacceptable.

If your child screams in a restaurant (or anywhere) then you take them outside and explain that they are not allowed to go back in until they stop. Then repeat until they stop. Poor didums will have to cope with not getting attention for 5 minutes.

Same again with fake crying. Life is boring, they need to learn to deal with boredom without fake crying for attention.

Wet blanket parenting is one of the most insufferable things to be around. It affects everyone else, not just the parents and kids.

@adviceaunt I've not drip fed anything - it was clear from the first post that these were incidents that happened from a lack boundaries/parenting - as not some kids having an accident that I didn't understand. I can't include every single detail in the first post - there plenty of other things that happened also which I've not included.

Your previous post questioned our 'interpretation' and called me a 'judgy aunt' but you weren't actually there - SIL in particularly is very laid back and yes, she did just let him pull his pants down and shit in a bush. Again she laughed. He knows how to use a toilet.

Agreed @Singleandproud - we were both questioning the whole 'gentle parenting' thing - it doesn't seem to be teaching them anything. No need to be super strict but surely you can be gentle with some nudges in the direction of the right behaviour. That's what we thought gentle parenting might be rather than this.

I know BIL and SIL might sound terrible from this post😂but they are great people. They just seem to have weirdly gone all on in this parenting approach and do worry that the kids might end up a bit entitled. Pretty obvious 5 year old is already quite bratty/huge tantrums when she doesn't get her way or all the attention isn't on her.

oh good lord just because i have given a different perspective... the OP has written the post in such a way that the perfect parents on here will be appaulted and take what is written as gosepl..

there are a million and 1 reasons why all this happened and not just because her SIL is a shitty parent.

the OP is also a shitty SIL for not offering some help.. she just sad by and let it happen without a hint of 'can i help' 'do you need help".

this is so funny....

Disgusting parenting ,but they are out there obviously . I would stay away .

i have never one said the behaviour is acceptable.... im just able to look on it with a different view.

until we know the absolute facts here. no one can really comment...

@shootingstar001 i see you still havent told us the age of this child... are there other factors at play? does the child have any special needs?

i'll leave you all too your perfect parenting

You've called me a 'scowling judgy aunt', a 'shitty SIL' and in two posts accused my posts not containing facts. It's hard to take you very seriously.
Seems like you just are craving some attention - even if it's negative.

I'll be skipping your posts going forward and taking some advice from some of the other contributors to this thread

Read the OP properly. Mentioned ages of the kids several times.

They are annoying wimps and this style is going to bite their ass BIG TIME!
Sorry you had to endure that!!

Letting a kid wee in a pool when they're in the pool - fine. Nobody truly cares. Letting a kid pull their swimming trunks down and pee into the pool in full view of everyone else? Absolutely not. Pooing in a bush rather than picking up the 2yo and going to the toilet? Revolting.

Why are people so incapable of parenting these days? I have a two year old who can be very diffcult (and two other kids under five) but if she screams when we're in a restaurant then we bloody well do something about it.

I've re-read the OP twice to make sure I wasn't going mad. But no, there is definitely no acceptable excuse for any of the incidents that OP listed. The only explanation is shitty parents. And please don't start with me about SEND. Both my dc's are ND and the things I've listed in my previous post are exactly how I would deal with my dc's in those situations.

And why on earth should OP offer to help with the kids? Both parents were there, they need to take responsibility for their own DC. Parents like this don't want someone to intervene in their precious little cherubs bad behaviour. If they cared about the behaviour then they would deal with it themselves wouldn't they?

They’re negligent. And lazy.

I’m a secondary school teacher; the kids who have parents like this are those who cannot cope in the classroom because their parents didn’t show them how to behave right from the start. Such parents usually refuse to work with school, and blame everyone else for their kids’ poor behaviour and engagement.

There’s nothing you can do, apart from modelling and praising good behaviour when you’re around them.

Edit: I’m mum to ND DS1. He is not allowed to get away with poor behaviour, it is expected that he behaves well (and he does).