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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH offered EX-wife his jacket

190 replies

adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 16:32

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

OP posts:
Pheeeeebs · 22/04/2024 16:34

How is his your relationship otherwise ?

OneThreadOnly · 22/04/2024 16:35

It’s a bit odd, I don’t believe exes have to hate each other or any of that nonsense but offering his coat is maybe a step too far.

Did you have a coat on?

Ponoka7 · 22/04/2024 16:36

So you are all in your 50's? I'd say that he was being respectful. Unless he was staring at her, rather than checking on them.

Smokeysgirl · 22/04/2024 16:43

Has he mentioned her at all since? The jacket thing wouldn't have bothered me but if I thought he'd been looking at her a lot I'd be upset. How long were they married? Maybe being at the wedding made him feel a bit sentimental about their wedding, broken marriage etc maybe it brought back memories. If you are otherwise happy together and he doesn't still see her with their ds being an adult,(apart from weddings etc) then I'd forget about it.

WetBandits · 22/04/2024 16:47

I think he sounds decent, not everyone has to snub their ex just because their current partner thinks they should.

Toottooot · 22/04/2024 16:47

Peer mannie.

Allfur · 22/04/2024 16:48

That is a bit inappropriate, a bit like you straightening your ex husbands tie or something

Magnastorm · 22/04/2024 16:51

Remarkably, it's possible to get divorced and still retain some degree of respect for an ex. It's not like you caught him shagging her, he offered her his coat FFS.

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 22/04/2024 16:51

You haven't said why you think he shouldn't have done those things?

The jacket is not a big deal imo and if he's telling the truth about looking at his DS, then that isn't either.

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 16:52

The levelled headed part of me wants to say I’d be fine with all of it, but as I’m not that chilled out, I’ll be honest, I’d feel the rage if DH offered an ex his coat - whether she was cold or not 😳 she could have gone inside.

I’d be silently seething 😤 but I know that it’s actually a nice thing to do.

DuplicateUserName · 22/04/2024 16:53

he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

Why did you say this?

Is no-one allowed to look out for other adults?

fieldsofbutterflies · 22/04/2024 16:53

I'd much rather my DH treated his ex with respect than he ignored her or spoke badly about her.

I can kind of see why you'd be upset about him looking over at her constantly, though.

fieldsofbutterflies · 22/04/2024 16:54

Allfur · 22/04/2024 16:48

That is a bit inappropriate, a bit like you straightening your ex husbands tie or something

Why would that be a problem?

Boomer55 · 22/04/2024 16:54

I left my ex after 30 years. He doesn’t hate me, nor I him. We both treat each other with consideration and respect.🙄

MrsDoylesDoily · 22/04/2024 16:55

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 16:52

The levelled headed part of me wants to say I’d be fine with all of it, but as I’m not that chilled out, I’ll be honest, I’d feel the rage if DH offered an ex his coat - whether she was cold or not 😳 she could have gone inside.

I’d be silently seething 😤 but I know that it’s actually a nice thing to do.

Rage and seething? Why?

theforeverPm · 22/04/2024 16:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 16:59

MrsDoylesDoily · 22/04/2024 16:55

Rage and seething? Why?

Show quote history

I’m just being honest and saying I wouldn’t like it. I can’t even say exactly why…

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2024 16:59

This is an interesting one. If my husband had an ex, I would definitely want him to be considerate and respectful to her, but then, on the other hand, there's a chance of carrying that a liiitle bit too far. There's being considerate and then there's being chivalrous.

I wonder whose coat the op would have worn if she got cold?

Winter2020 · 22/04/2024 17:02

I think maybe your partner didn't read into his actions too much but as a woman I think the coat thing feels intimate and I would be jealous too.

Darker · 22/04/2024 17:02

It was a family wedding so lots of people there that your husband and his ex both know from before you were together. Very possible that your husband was looking out for her for some reason to do with family history/stuff…

My Partner is close to his ex and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if he spent time with her at an event like this.

saraclara · 22/04/2024 17:02

All I'd see is someone being thoughtful. Assuming that you weren't shivering and he walked past you to offer the jacket to her instead.

I have two divorced friends who maintain good friendships with their exes. It makes me think well of them, and of their new partners.

KreedKafer · 22/04/2024 17:05

Is there some massive drip-feed coming where you reveal that your entire relationship is awful and he's had numerous affairs or something? Because otherwise you just sound controlling and paranoid to me.

I don't see the problem with him offering her his jacket if she looked cold? It's not like he suggested she cuddle up to him to share his body heat, ffs.

And I think you're being paranoid about him 'glancing over to her'. And so what if his son is a grown adult? You don't stop loving your kids and looking at them just because they're adults.

When I was with my previous partner, he used to interrogate me about 'looking at' other men. I never actually was looking at other men. He was just obsessively jealous.

tuvamoodyson · 22/04/2024 17:07

Well, if he’d taken your coat off and given it to her, I’d see your point…

Kangarude · 22/04/2024 17:07

Why would still be stewing about this now? I think it was kind to offer his jacket and I’m not sure how real it was that he was looking at her all the time

KreedKafer · 22/04/2024 17:12

I think the coat thing feels intimate and I would be jealous too

You can't help feeling what you feel, but it's not reasonable to let that irrational jealousy dictate what your partner can and can't do. If my partner told me I shouldn't make a considerate and completely innocent gesture towards an ex at a family wedding just because it made him jealous, I'd tell him where to go.

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