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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH offered EX-wife his jacket

190 replies

adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 16:32

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

OP posts:
MushMonster · 22/04/2024 17:13

Always keep in mind she is the mother of his child.
So what is wrong with him making her a bit of company if she is standing on her own on a public event? Or offering a jacket if she is cold.
Did you yourself engage with her? Did you talk to her and spent some time with her and you DSS at the wedding?
If there is no further background to this, you are being jealous.
If there is a background, then it could be a very different story here.....

Tahinii · 22/04/2024 17:16

Assuming no background, YABU. My parents spend time together now they share grandchildren. They’re very civil and I could see my dad offering my mum his jacket. They definitely definitely do not harbour any romantic feelings!! They’re not even friends but they’re tolerant and polite.

NinaOakley · 22/04/2024 17:57

He sounds like a considerate gentleman. You can’t erase his history and she will always be his son’s mother. He should be respectful of her.

Dewdilly · 22/04/2024 17:58

He sounds like a decent man

Original poster
adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 18:00

my apologies, no intention to drip feed. she is not bio mum of the son and they were sitting apart, close but on separate tables.

yes i engaged with her, chatted, and later in the day encouraged to dance etc. they have been divorced for a very long time many years before me and DH met, however she was still in love with him then.

our relationship is solid, and if it had been any other woman it would not have been an issue for me.

it would appear that both him and his ex were given strong words of advice prior to the wedding to behave. she on other family occasions has been curt and rude to both him and me, and DH in turn, although has not been rude or hurtful, has been vocal to those around about her demeanor and manner.

i suspect she still has feelings, DH also admits this may be the case (not reciprocated on his part i am totally 100% sure of) i just feel that this very intimate action may have actually been a wrong move on his part?

OP posts:
Gowlett · 22/04/2024 18:01

Maybe he hadn’t seen her for a long time… Just curiosity?

theforeverPm · 22/04/2024 18:03

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theforeverPm · 22/04/2024 18:04

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BodyKeepingScore · 22/04/2024 18:06

This wouldn't bother me. I expect he'd have offered his jacket to any woman who seemingly appeared cold in those circumstances. It comes across that he was just being gentlemanly

Beatrixslobber · 22/04/2024 18:06

i suspect she still has feelings, DH also admits this may be the case (not reciprocated on his part i am totally 100% sure of) i just feel that this very intimate action may have actually been a wrong move on his part?

If she does have feelings for him then he’s not handling it well and she certainly won’t be 100% sure that it isn’t reciprocated.

I like to think that I would be okay with the cost but haven’t been in that situation so don’t know. I wouldn’t be ok if he kept looking.

Queenfierce · 22/04/2024 18:07

Sounds like his intentions was good but yeah I would probably be a bit miffed about it given its a ex If my ex dh gave me a coat I'm certain my other half would be unimpressed

Toooldtoworry · 22/04/2024 18:08

Fluffywigg · 22/04/2024 16:52

The levelled headed part of me wants to say I’d be fine with all of it, but as I’m not that chilled out, I’ll be honest, I’d feel the rage if DH offered an ex his coat - whether she was cold or not 😳 she could have gone inside.

I’d be silently seething 😤 but I know that it’s actually a nice thing to do.

I would also feel that way, irrational as it is.

Notamum12345577 · 22/04/2024 18:08

adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 16:32

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

Keep on looking at her is a bit strange. The cost thing I think is fine, offering a coat to the mother of his son who looks cold? If you were also looking cold and he chose to offer it to her instead of you then I would say that was wrong

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 22/04/2024 18:10

You sound very insecure for someone whose relationship is solid.

It was a wedding. She probably looked good. Perhaps he was suffering from nostalgia given it was probably the first they had a civil conversation.

Jacket is a nice gesture. Only an issue if you were standing there shivering at the same time.

You trust him or you don't. It really is that simple.

CulturalNomad · 22/04/2024 18:13

it would appear that both him and his ex were given strong words of advice prior to the wedding to behave. she on other family occasions has been curt and rude to both him and me, and DH in turn, although has not been rude or hurtful, has been vocal to those around about her demeanor and manner

I think you buried the lead story here, tbh. Two (late) middle-aged people who are still sniping at or about each other many years after a divorce suggests deeper issues. They had to be told to "behave" at the wedding? How embarrassing!

It's not the offer of his jacket that should concern you, it's the depth of feeling these two seem to have despite the passage of many years and a remarriage.

Wishitsnows · 22/04/2024 18:16

Maybe as it was a wedding it reminded your DH of their wedding and there may be a part of him that misses her. It doesn’t mean he necessarily wants her back but could have just been thinking about her and hence kept looking over

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 22/04/2024 18:21

"Very intimate"

Was he still WEARING the coat when he offered it her? 🤣

FuzzyWuzzyWuzABear · 22/04/2024 18:26

adviceaunt · 22/04/2024 18:00

my apologies, no intention to drip feed. she is not bio mum of the son and they were sitting apart, close but on separate tables.

yes i engaged with her, chatted, and later in the day encouraged to dance etc. they have been divorced for a very long time many years before me and DH met, however she was still in love with him then.

our relationship is solid, and if it had been any other woman it would not have been an issue for me.

it would appear that both him and his ex were given strong words of advice prior to the wedding to behave. she on other family occasions has been curt and rude to both him and me, and DH in turn, although has not been rude or hurtful, has been vocal to those around about her demeanor and manner.

i suspect she still has feelings, DH also admits this may be the case (not reciprocated on his part i am totally 100% sure of) i just feel that this very intimate action may have actually been a wrong move on his part?

Edited

and DH in turn, although has not been rude or hurtful, has been vocal to those around about her demeanor and manner.

Lol so he's been slagging her off behind her back?

Your relationship is not solid if you got the arse about him lending her his jacket because she was cold.

Grazyna80 · 22/04/2024 18:35

If your relationship is solid, then why are you so worried.

CulturalNomad · 22/04/2024 18:56

Lol so he's been slagging her off behind her back?

Yeah, at first I thought the offer of the coat was kind of chivalrous (maybe a bit old fashioned but in a charming way).

But now I'm picturing an aging, discontented man who can't stop complaining about his ex years (maybe even decades) after they split. ((shudder))

StormingNorman · 22/04/2024 18:58

Giving her his coat is quite intimate IMO. It’s not the act itself but the consideration behind it. Given it was obviously cold and he chose to be cold himself so she could be warm.

It sounds like there are some unresolved feelings between them, possibly wedding nostalgia? It is quite a step to go from sniping and causing embarrassing scenes to caring enough to give someone your coat. I’m quite a nice person but I wouldn’t offer my coat to someone I didn’t like.

Weighnow · 22/04/2024 19:02

You really don't stop worrying about your DC because they're adults. DS2 would be really uncomfortable at that kind of occasion, especially if there was also some awkwardness with his parents and a new partner. I'd be wanting to make sure he has OK too.

DrJoanAllenby · 22/04/2024 19:11

It's entirely possible that he felt some kind of sympathy/empathy about her attending on her own and just wanted to be kind.

Weddings bring out all sorts of emotions.

willWillSmithsmith · 22/04/2024 19:12

Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2024 16:59

This is an interesting one. If my husband had an ex, I would definitely want him to be considerate and respectful to her, but then, on the other hand, there's a chance of carrying that a liiitle bit too far. There's being considerate and then there's being chivalrous.

I wonder whose coat the op would have worn if she got cold?

What’s the difference (as in one is ok and one not) in being considerate or chivalrous?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 22/04/2024 19:13

@adviceaunt how in the world did you all end up at the same wedding??