DH offered EX-wife his jacket

[adviceaunt]

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

Chivalry is an added layer of politeness towards a woman. This isn't always a problem though. 'Ladies first' etc.
Giving someone your coat not only has been portrayed as an romantic act in countless movies, TV shows, etc. It's also a very personal item. And inconveniences the giver, they are saying that they'd take the cold and let someone else be warm. My DH's coat smells like him and I'd hate for another woman to wear it unless it was a genuine emergency!
Also... He was stood far away..but looking closely enough at her to notice she was cold.

It would be different if he held open a door, gave her a lift home or saw her carrying something heavy and offered to help which doesn't really inconvenience him at all.

BTW YANBU OP .
Even my autistic bad at social norms DH knows that this is unacceptable. There's no excuse although all the cool wives here will tell you that's it's OK.

Sorry I wouldn’t like this at all, no. Far too intimate and not his place.

Amazed at all the “cool girls” on this thread. I also think what he did, offering his coat and going and standing with her bc she was alone comes across as very “virtue signally” - wanting to appear like a chivalrous/great guy in front of family members and also I’d wonder if he’d done it intentionally to piss me off. Does he usually try to provoke jealousy in you?

Its ok to not be ok with this despite what others on here are saying.

would he like it if you went over and stood talking to your ex-dh, offered him your pashmina to wear (🤣)and then kept looking over at him all night? No.

I think it’s very off behaviour personally, it doesn’t sound like he was making you his priority.

So you are 100% sure that he doesn’t have feelings for her, but she definitely does…..is that because she is a lonely woman and can’t possibly be content and happy?

an elderly man fell over and banged his head. He was bleeding. I gave him my coat for warmth and comfort which went off to the hospital with him. I didn’t realise I had committed an intimate act. I was just being kind.

some divorced people can be kind to each other. Ultimately, usually at some stage they had a loving intimate relationship and made children. I would help my ex if he needed me too. I know a divorced couple where the ex husband visits his ex in a dementia care home out of kindness and because she is the mother of his children. Perhaps if we were all kinder to each other instead of looking for trouble, jealousy and being cruel we would have a nicer world.

He was elderly, bleeding and vulnerable. This woman was not. She was just standing there hale and healthy. No point in comparing apples to oranges.

I think this is a you problem, not a him problem tbh.

they have been divorced for a very long time many years before me and DH met, however she was still in love with him then.

i suspect she still has feelings, DH also admits this may be the case

What makes you think she still has feelings for him? It wouldn’t be that your dh has given you that impression would it?

Aldo, if your dh agrees she still has feelings for him, and you know that - why is he going out of his way to be ultra nice to her in front of you? Odd.

He could have been trying to be on his best behaviour to make sure you as a couple aren't banned from any future family events and was looking over, anxious that she might kick off with your attempts to display 'He's MINE now'.

And then you uttered the words that have kicked off a hundred thousand bar brawls 'What are you looking at HER/MY BIRD/MY BLOKE for?'.

He sounds decent to me, perhaps conscious that she was there alone and he was there with you. He didn’t want her to feel he was rubbing her nose in it and looked out for her. I think that is decent given he once loved her enough to actually marry her (and raise a child with her?). I don’t think it undermines his relationship with or commitment to you.

his son is not their son, sorry i should have made it clearer sooner

they were married 21 years before i met him, they had been divorced 10 years when i met him. the son is not their son, its his son.

Maybe the jacket thing was to break the ice?

It’s refreshing that they aren’t arguing tbh, you can be kind to the mother of your child without wanting to shag them.

The jacket thing wouldn’t bother me at all.
In fact it would make me love him more.

I would not be happy about him keep looking at her though but I don’t know how much that may have been you being paranoid, especially if you were uneasy about the jacket thing already.

It sounds like he was aware she was on her own and trying to keep an eye on her to make sure she was ok.

I would say he sees her as a friend and I really don’t think you would have anything to worry about.

He sounds like a decent man tbh.

Nope I’d be pissed off too. And I’d of said something there and then but if the jacket pissed you off imagine my surprise when my partner fully embraced ex with a massive hug and ushered me to the side to do it 🤬

They were asked to behave. He went the extra mile to prove that he was being reasonable.

I can't believe some of the posts here. Some people are just paranoid (or want to think the worst of anyone with a penis)

It's bizarre that two people who were married for 21 years are expected not to look at each other when they're in the same room ten years later.

If his son is 29 and they married 31 years ago it all sounds quite messy

if you don’t feel he has any feelings for her then I wouldn’t overthink

So they've gone from being warned to behave to him offering his jacket?

I completely agree!

Most people would still care for someone who they were married to for 21 years.
It doesn’t mean they see each other as anything other than friends.

Why would your partner giving his ex a hug bother you?

I would give my ex a hug, unless they were an ex because of violence or abuse.

Many people can separate but still like each other as friends.

Just because someone’s your ex, doesn’t mean you need to hate them or treat them any differently than you would an old friend.

apologies... i didnt explain that very well, they have been divorced for 11 years when i met him, me and him have been married 10 years, so basically as of today they have been divorced 21 years... after a 6 or 7 year marriage.. the son is not her son

There is only one important bit of information here (I write this as a woman who feels the cold quite desperately and keeps her place very warm indeed): did the husband offer the ex his coat at the expense of a wife who was standing there shivering? If he didn't (if the wife was more warmly dressed or never feels the cold) then he's not a villain, he's just a decent guy.

So after being told to not snipe at each other during the wedding he went out of his way to demonstrably not do that, probably to show whoever told him to behave that everything was going to be fine and to set the tone with the ex.
He offered her a coat, not his penis.

Exactly.

For goodness sake. Four months later and this is an issue? And OP is a mature woman?