DH offered EX-wife his jacket

[adviceaunt]

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

@BronwenTheBrave

i presume you're trying to be funny!

so maybe he wanted her to see him happy and made sure she was looking and taking note

So what's the story with these two? They had a short marriage, no children, been divorced for 21 years (!) and had to be warned to behave themselves? What on earth are they still bickering about?! You think he's checking to make sure she can see that he's happy?

All of the above would concern me more than the jacket. There's an undercurrent here of lots of unfinished business. Most people would have moved on after two decades. It's odd.

@adviceaunt

No, the immature element came out in your OP.

i agree... and im stuck in the middle of it all. she ended the relationship for whatever reason, he moved on, started a relationship (many years before me), she basically told him she couldnt bear to see him happy with someone else and asked to try again... rightly or wrongly he did.. and within a week of them getting back together she changed her mind again and said nope its not going to work!

Ooh it does sound a bit like an episode of Dallas! A tangled web indeed.

I think lending his jacket doesn't have to be seen as an intimate moment. Did he hand it to her or drape it over her shoulders with both hands, while gazing into her eyes? She may still have feelings for him but it doesn't mean he shares them. I imagine a wedding where he is virtually Father of the Bride will have been quite emotional?

I like to think I'm level headed but the jacket thing would bother me. I most certainly associate it with something you do for a romantic partner

My late husband left his first wife after she spent the night with a colleague. Two years later, she tried to get him back. (I don't know whether her BF ever knew about that.)

After we got married, she took every opportunity to stick her nose in. I put up with it so as not to interfere with my husband's relationship with his adult children. (They were adults when the pair separated.)

The one boundary that I set was that she was not to set foot in my house.

Looking back, I wish I'd set firmer boundaries. I spent my marriage of 27 yrs 'being nice'.

I'll not hog space here by going into it all, but I was manipulated into letting her represent the kids at my husband's funeral. 3 days later, when I answered the door in a daze of Diazipam and Zoplicone, she was standing there making bizarre small talk...until she asked what I was doing with my husband's ashes.

She was trying to manipulate me into burying them in a cemetery within easy reach of her latest partner's home...and 3 hours away from my home.

Based on my experience, OP, your husband is probably oblivious to his ex's machinations. (My husband realised that his ex was very possessive of their kids, but I don't think he realised that she was still digging her claws into him.)

After my husband died, my husband's DIL told me (over the phone) that his ex was 'devastated'. She was taken to and from the funeral by her 4th partner.

Had I known what I was going to be put through, I'd have put my foot down years ago.

I'm not saying that your husband's ex is as bad, OP, but I reckon you might have every right to be wary of her. (Apologies - I may be projecting.)

You sound absolutely batshit - sorry!

Some of this thread is hilarious.
Smell of his best aftershave the warmth of his coat on her arms.
Omg the cringe if this is how some see it.
As poster said above someones reading mills and boon.

Thats my thought too.

I think it was a kind gesture on his part to offer his coat. I'd hope my DH would do the same (if he had an ex wife) to her or any other woman we knew who he could see was feeling cold. Are you sure he was looking over at her a lot or do you think you might be just being a bit paranoid?

I wouldn’t like it.

Does it matter if she took it as a sign? So what if she thinks he's still in love with her? If your relationship is stable it doesn't matter what she thinks.

That said if he was looking at her while dancing with you ( which I sincerely hope he wasn't) it was likely not so she knows he's happy. I wouldn't like that if it's true. Especially since it sounds like he was hung up on her for a while.

You missed ‘Get your ducks in a row’ 😁

…put his stuff in bin bags outside the door and change the locks! (Of the house that is half his)

Some of the replies on here are unnecessarily hostile, even if you don't agree.

I wouldn't be happy if my DP did this, especially if he thought that his exW still harboured feelings for him and said I had 'stolen' him from her. It's like he's deliberately triangulated you both. I would definitely raise an eyebrow if I knew you all and saw this too.

I think many, many people take a man giving a woman his jacket to wear as a statement of intimacy, regardless of what the MN world apparently thinks. The comments here are not reflective of the real world, and some seem to be taking pleasure from it 'she probably looked good and he felt nostalgic' - really sticking the boot in. I would absolutely feel uncomfortable if a man at a wedding offered me his jacket whilst his wife stood there and would probably say no thanks even if I was cold. Never mind if it was my exH!

yep.. based on all the answers here, i packed his bags last night and threw him out, ive been to the solicitor today and we are beginning divorce proceedings.

im also being assessed by the MH team as i clearly have massive mental health issues...

thanks for all your help and advice guys, it was brilliant and i feel so stupid now..

anyone know any good dating sites?

Now we know that isn’t true, because it would take months for the MH team to even see you 😁

😂😂😂 ok true.. i was being sarcastic! lol ive taken the comments with a pinch of salt, i was merely curious to see how advise from MN actually varies and based on this and a few other posts i don't really think its for me.

I know you were, hence my grinning emoji 😁

If my DP offered her ex gf her jacket when she was cold I'd take it as an act of kindness toward a fellow human, assuming there were no other issues.

I am not sure about looking over while dancing-was it feasible he was looking at his son? Was he in a similar direction etc?
If no other issues with your r'ship I'd just keep an eye on things and talk to him about it perhaps.
People get cold for all sorts of reasons, your not needing a coat doesn't mean she wasn't cold. Just recently me and DP were sitting outside and she was freezing and I was fine!

Yes I would find it weird if my exH gave me his coat at our DCs wedding. Somewhat intimate and I don't think his wife would be impressed.

My first thought is triangulating too given that you are still giving this headspace months later.

It really is mills and boon to think that a woman is still in love with the ex they chose to leave over two decades ago.

But unfortunately common that the current wife will feel discomfort/insecurity that her DH shows unusual concern for wellbeing and casts longing looks at the ex alongside this narrative. Especially to prove their new wife is providing what the ex failed at.

Triangulating ex and current wife. Look - I provide my jacket and lingering looks - look - I dance. All very look at me. Think about me. Talk about me. Me, me, me.

Now this resonates a lot! My husband and I love him dearly and he's my rock however he is an attention seeker... he's the one who wears the loud clothes and you can see the pleasure in his face when someone comments... he litterally seeks out loud outlandish clothing and shoes.. only for events and functions... he's the one on a cruise with the bright tux and sparkly shoes and almost makes people admire them... I'm a very fade into the background kind of person... so that's an Interesting take

I'm sorry this resonates. Fading into the background is a good place to be if it is chosen and isolated from emotional harm - you can watch others and roll your eyes at the drama. A rock is always overlooked and in the background.

Not so good if you are emotionally embroiled.

If you don't want to change your life I would suggest you reframe it. Rocks are not attention seeking. You are the rock that allows your DH his delusional beliefs and questionable fashion choices. If you can't be disinterested you need to question whether this is right for you.