DH offered EX-wife his jacket

[adviceaunt]

name changed to protect identity, this has been playing on my mind for a while, at a family wedding earlier this year i attended with my DH. his Ex-wfie was also present.

while we were outside standing around waiting for photos, ex-wife who does not have a partner was stood on her own.

my DH went over to her and offered her his jacket as she appeared cold.

a little later when i managed to get him up for a dance he kept glancing over to where she was sitting and i did pull him up saying stop looking at ex-wife. he denied this and said he was keeping an eye on his DS (29) who is single and on his own. i did say, he's a grown adult..

AIBU thinking he should't have done these things?

I'm guessing there is more too it than him giving her a coat...

If he shouts her name during 'special cuddles' then there is definitely an issue.😉 Otherwise, I think he was just being kind. When you married him you knew he had an ex, so she will always be part of his history ... particularly with offspring involved.

I think it’s good that he still cares and wants to make sure she is comfortable at an event. Also just because the son is 29 doesn’t mean you can’t be worried about them and check they are ok, maybe he is sensitive about being single/weddings so he wants to keep an eye on him.

That being said if I was in your situation not sure I would particularly like it

^ This

The jacket wouldn't bother me if it came from a place of kindness and my dp is basically a nice guy. But if it felt move like a calculated move that would bother me.

The staring would definitely bother me. My ex and I split 18 years ago I never feel the urge to be anything other than bare minimum polite at family events.

Mmmm….in the absence of any other issues in the relationship or reasons to mistrust him, I wouldn’t be too worried.
The jacket thing- perhaps he was just being caring?
Although they are divorced, this doesn’t mean he stops caring and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t occasionally reminisce or think about how she’s doing or feel curious. That’s normal to an extent isn’t it? He might have glanced over and thought she looked nice or had a memory about their wedding or something. Friendly, affectionate, caring feelings towards someone you used to love don’t just disappear.
If you think he was overly attentive or staring at her all night then talk to him about it

He sounds like a kind respectful man who acts appropriately towards the Mother of his (albeit adult) child. Bet his son won’t be single for long with a shining example from his Dad of how to behave to a woman.

YABVU. I have a 5 year old and am currently pregnant with my ex’s child. You can bet that if he thought I was cold, anywhere, and while with anyone, he would give me his jacket.

he will also keep an eye on me when we’re at social gatherings together for any reason, because I am the mother of his (soon to be) two children and the love/care he has for me stems from that fact.

Why is he an ex then? How strange.

I think the strangest thing is that this happened “earlier this year” and your still dwelling on it.

his behaviour is fine.
it’s also ok for you to have an emotive rewponse(jealous, anointed etc)
however dwelling on it indicates you are letting it bother you.

my partner’s ex will often call, late at night (after a couple of wines) and want to lament her troubles. She has an ongoing DV situation.

it annoys me that my partner feels sorry for her and tries to be there for her.
it also annoys me that she uses my partner as a sounding board because she doesn’t have anyone else in her life.

however, when I run though the scenario conversations in my head (don’t be nice to that traumatised drunk woman or can you please make some friends and leave my partner alone) there’s only me sounding like a jealous partner and I’m really not, so I let it slide.

your hubby sounds thoughtful and kind, don’t encourage that out of him.

Perhaps it would have been nice if your husband had realised it was a cold day and then asked you if you're warm enough and offered you his jacket?!

Your husband is a good man.
He was not thinking of himself nor his ex but more so he was thinking of the bride.
He was making sure his step daughter was happy seeing her mother, father and step-parents getting along. I think he was showing care towards the mother-of-the-bride because it was a family wedding and he wanted nothing to marre his daughter's wedding day.
It was the occasion - the shared parenting long ago, the presence of the wife beater, making the speech and feeling fatherly that brought about a protective and observant host style of care. Thus, the kind coat act. You should be proud.

A good man will be respectful and caring towards everyone, not just you.

Some women, a lot of women, seem not to want that, they'd rather play princess capturing exclusive use of their prince.

One day, you might be standing in EW's shoes, grateful that your former husband is solicitous toward you at awkward family events.

However, if you feel DH continually plays you off against others, that is a serious problem - but separate from a small kindness to his Ex in public.

Too confusing for me.

Loads of ex wife's,

adult children that aren't his or are they?

Just one question...if the "coat taker " isn't biologically related to anyone and has been divorced for 20 years?

Why was she there and had to be warned about her behaviour?

Your husband was playing the role of "Knight in shining armour " and loving it.

My brain hurts trying to work it out.