To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

I know it's a very sensitive issue but I do think they should be middle names.

It's lovely he wants to honour his family but I think using them as middle names is a good option if you can persuade him. You need choose a name you are both happy with definitely!

I think your suggestion of using both names as middle names is a fair compromise. There is no way I’d give my child a first name I didn’t personally like.

I think middle names would be better, partly because I don't really like naming children after dead relatives, and doing it for both a first name and a middle name is a bit much.

But in general I do think you'd learn to like any name, it would just become your child's name.

Don't do it. Honour them as middle names and choose a name you both can agree on.

No. Your son is not an "in memoriam" for dead relatives. I really hate when people do this. Give him his OWN name. I'd be standing firm on this one.
Even worse that you dislike the names but that isn't really the point.

You both need to be happy with the names. It’s nice that he wants to honour his dad and brother and you need to be sensitive but it doesn’t mean you have to accept names that you don’t like.

I would approach this from the viewpoint that it’s not necessarily a good thing to burden the new person with the identity of the dead, no matter how well meant. It could lead to expectations that cause disappointment, guilt and resentment.

Use them as middle names, choose a new name together, maybe something that references one of the names?

It’s your son too. My DH lost his mum and we used her name as a middle name for our first born. I wouldn’t have liked it as a first name, but we still honoured her.

It’s sensitive, but stand your ground. Not liking a name at all and still compromising and having it as a middle name is more than enough on your half.

That's not fair on you or your son.

It’s too much to name your new child after two deceased relatives. Your child is not a shrine you people your husband has lost. He deserves his own identity and a name that is chosen by both his parents.

I can understand your husband feeling like this is something he should do for the people he has lost but he’s thinking about them, not you or your child and you deserve consideration too. It is absolutely wrong for you to be expected to name your own baby something you don’t like and have had no say in.

Is the child going to have your husbands surname?

Can they not both be middle names?

I completely understand why it is important to him but that doesn’t supersede your right to actually like your child’s name. For your child to have a name that is their own, not just an honorific because family members have sadly passed.

I’m not personally a fan of naming children after relatives, though I know it’s quite usual for very many people and that’s entirely their prerogative.

I was pregnant when BIL died.
In DHs grief he said he wanted to name the baby after him.
I said no. I don't like the name. It's now a 1 of 2 middle names.
Grief doesn't give him the right to dictate anything.
They can either be middle names or they don't appear at all.

Weird way of thinking

Sorry for your husband's losses, but no, he does not get to dictate your child's first and middle names. Did you change your surname to match your husband's after getting married? If so that means every single name would come from him and his family, which is not at all fair.

If you're willing to tell us the names we might be able to suggest variations but really I think that your suggestion to use them as two middle names would be the best option.

How recent are their deaths and has your husband had any bereavement counselling? I understand that becoming a parent can be difficult when you've lost a parent.

Obviously you want to be compassionate towards him but don't back down on choosing your child's first name.

I think they should be middle names.

As middle names they would still be honouring your husband's loved ones.

But as the baby's mother, you should have an equal say in choosing his name. You will be calling your child by this name for the rest of his life so it needs to be a name you like.

I also think that having the names of two dead family members but no original name of his own is a heavy burden for a child to bear.

Am I right in assuming your son will also have the same surname as his father, uncle and grandfather?

It's very unbalanced to have a first, middle and surname all honouring his father's side of the family and absolutely no input from his mother.

Absolutely not. Middle names only. It isn't your child's job to be a living memorial for people he'll never meet.

Middle names. Let the baby be his own person. The fact that you dislike the names is another excellent reason, but the not wanting the weight of having this first name would be my main reason. I get this is tricky and will need to be navigated sensitively and I don't blame your dh for feeling that way. But no.

Agree. I would never agree to a name if i hated it, I would be resentful in the long term

No I also agree your son should have his own name.

Nope. You don’t love the names and children aren’t shrines to dead relatives.

choose a baby name is a two yes one no situation

That is so sad for your DH.

Personally I feel our children should have their own fresh identity, and are not born to be memorials to the dead, however loved. We have park benches for that. Our children should not have to go through life as Nigel Kieth so that their Dad can remember someone they (sadly) never met.

I think I would say no, except as middle names. But find the most honest but tactful way to say it. Definitely leaving out park bench refs!

Whose surname will your baby have? If the same as the deceased point out that that is a way that names are passed on.

Absolutely no way. You can’t name your baby a name that you actually dislike. I would be quite worried that it could even affect your bond with him and possibly cause PND and anxiety.

I agree with the other posters, have as many middle names to honour the dead that you want, but the actual name you use daily has to be one you both like.

The dead are gone. This child isn't them he's his own person and deserves his own name.

Otherwise it'll be a life of comparison to how good their relatives were at x or y and how clever they were at calculating z etc.
Which your child may not live up to if his skills lie in other areas.
He needs his own life.

Give him 2 middle names op