To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

Two middle names.
Our eldest has a middle name I don't like because it was important to DH. At the same time, DH would never have made me call our son a name I didn't want for our child. I know it's a sensitive issue but this is your son and it's your decision too.

Both as middle names if you’re happy to do so but your child deserves their own name that you love too.

Exactly. Op don’t do it.

Yes this. Absolutely this.

Both as middle names after a name that you like? You will be using it every day.

I don’t think you should have to name your child something you hate. Using both names as middle names is more than fair. It’s your child too and as much as I feel sorry for your DH, he needs to be reasonable and respect your wishes as well.

DD has my late MIL's name as her middle name. As it's her middle name most people don't know it, but when it does come up we have the "That's an unusual name" "Yes, she's named after her late grandmother" conversation. Fortunately, it's a name I love.

If the names in this case are "old fashioned" in the sense that it would be highly unusual for a baby to be named them in 2024, and it's a first rather than middle name you will constantly be having that conversation. Starting with the midwife in the delivery room.

How does DH feel about this? Would he be pleased if conversations about your new baby constantly segued into conversations about his dead relatives, or would be find it upsetting? What about MIL?

Please don't do it. Use both as middle names.

I think you need to gently say to your DH what so many posters on here have said, that there is a difference between honouring his brother and father and giving his son a name that rather than allowing him to forge his own identity keeps him handcuffed to memories of the past and dead relatives for whom he has never met and will always be seen by some as an extension of them.
two middle names and then a name he can make his own

Apologies - misunderstood what you said. He is being difficult and unreasonable.

My youngest was born a couple of years after my younger brother died. I wanted his name for a middle name, but my parents found that too upsetting so I used my brothers middle name as his first name. (both names have been family names for a long time)

How does this conversation even go?

OP “I wonder what we should call sprog?”
Him “I want to call it Keith Frank after my dead relatives”
OP “I think that’s a bit old fashioned darling and don’t really like it, how about we use those as middle names and do a more modern first name?”
Him “I don’t care that you’ve carried sprog for 9 months, and are going to push a 8 pound baby out your fanny. I want to call it Keith Frank.”

I’d only pick one middle name if you are likely to have more children, or if another relative would also like to honour a father or brother. Hogging the names and saddling your child with both, especially if they’re not nice names, is excessive.

I think with a child's first name, you both have to like the name.

You want to be sensitive to his loss but your feelings are important too.

I would be expecting my partner to understand that my feelings matter too and agree that the names should be middle names not your son's first name.

Don't agree to a name you don't like. I was railroaded into agreeing to a name I didn't really want but at least I don't hate it. You will get used to it, of course, but it seems a shame to have to use a name every day that you don't actually like.

Maybe there is a modern alternative to the names, something similar sounding?

If you don't like the names I wouldn't use them at all to be honest. I find the whole naming people after dead people very odd anyway and the only person this is for is your DH because the dead people are dead and don't know.

I'm being very blunt here and I'd probably be a little more tactful when talking with DH, but ultimately if I didn't like names then I wouldn't be giving them to my child.

I think you have to choose completely different names. If they are names you really can't stand then why on earth would you give them even as a middle name?

A lot of children get a name that runs in the family - if not "Ronald Junior" then at least the name of a grandparent. I don't find the argument that a child needs their own special, previously unused name that convincing.

But yeah, if you don't want a Ronald Brian McDonald then you are well within your rights not to have one. I was the main name-chooser with my exh, and I still feel a bit guilty that my children both have names I chose, even though I would have gone along with my ex's suggestions if he had made any! Your dh doesn't get to name your children alone, and especially not by making it all about his grief - it's understandable, but not fair.

I don't think it's fair on the child or you if he knows you really don't like the names.
Your child is an individual and needs his own name and not a name that he has to live up to. Both as middle names is the compromise.
Your DH is being hugely unreasonable.

What’s the point in that??? Just use the modern first name. Saying this as a DH who when he hit 18 changed his name by deed poll as his parents called him by his middle name from birth and it started to become and issue at the doctors/applying for jobs.

It'd obviously be nice to settle on a name that suits you both but I don't think you'd keep on hating a name once it was their name.

I've never met anyone and thought lovely bloke but shame he's called Walter. People's names are just that

My DH had a shortlist of names for DS1, none of which I liked. When DS1 arrived, over the first night we both thought separately he just looked like a different name (which happened to be on my mental shortlist, but honestly I didn't influence DH at all on this). Saying let's wait and see when he arrives and really helped in this case.

Definitely this. A child needs his own name. Not the name of two dead relatives.

Is there a kind of variation you could use....ie instead of Leonard, Leo or instead of Ian, Ivan just as random examples.

I vaguely knew a girl years ago who was named after her grandmother who had died suddenly shortly before her birth. Her name was Barbara. It’s a perfectly nice name IMHO but to a little girl born in the mid-90s it really stood out. People would almost do a double-take. ‘Your name is Barbara? Really?!!’ Honestly, I felt for her.

For the child’s sake alone, it’s worth thinking about whether this may be an issue.