To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

I very much agree with others about your child needing his own identity. Both my kids have middle names honouring deceased family members but first names that were picked by us because we liked the name. I know someone who is the other way round, first name after relative and middle name the one the parents actually chose, and she goes by her middle name. It's obviously a sensitive issue, I think perhaps the gentlest way to put it to your DH is that your DS could really end up resenting the name if they feel conspicuous with a noticeably old fashioned name, and that is very much not the feeling you want him to have towards his grandad and uncle. Both my kids know where their middle names come from and know a bit about the relatives they never met, but they have their own names and their own identity. I'm possibly rambling now but the more I think about it the more I think it's actually a bit unkind to make a child's identity all about honouring a dead relative.

Is it your DH’s surname as well? Do you just get to do the hard bit for 9 months and give birth and all names including ones you don’t like are chosen by your DH and you get no say? Does your DH not care about your feelings or the sacrifice you are doing with your body and with work to create this baby that he doesn’t think you should have any day over naming?

What is the first name of your deceased FIL?
Maybe you can use a modern derivitive of the name.

You both need to choose a name, it’s not just his child and is massively unfair for him to dictate the first, middle and then baby have his last name too.

Well said!

So DH wants to decide the baby's names in the entirety, and not let you have any say at all?

I do think that both parents should prefer the names given, not just one parent's choice. The compromise of middle names - especially given that baby will have Dad's surname as a given - is more than acceptable, although I think that frankly given the mother will be doing 100% of baby creation she should have final dibs.

I get that DH is grieving and this might be having an effect on his current thinking, but long term, both parents need to happy with the names, so he needs to get over this particular upset and acknowledge that he's not being fair.

Two middle names and give your son his “own” name. Unless there’s a modernised version of one of the names you could use.

It’s also a way to see if there is some kind of compromise.

Somebody else mentioned the name Harold (which I actually think is alright). This would easily be shortened to Harry and the full name would only ever be used for paperwork.

No need to be fashionable with a name. What I think is loving towards a child is to give them a name where the spelling is such they will not be correcting others continually, and the possibility of unlike comments or worse is limited.

I think passing on family names is a nice tradition but it is important that both parents like the names and consider how the child will be affected by the name.

Baby Roger or baby Nigel would probably lead to a few raised eyebrows. Although you wouldn’t give a second thought to an older man having those names.

It is also important for DH to consider whether his child will feel comfortable with the names he’s proposing.

That’s the windy way of saying I’m in the middle names camp if you don’t like the names or think your child would be comfortable with one as a first name.

I think it's the way you've approached it. It's not about having a modern name, it's about not having the weight of two deceased relatives

You definitely need to pass this by MiL.
The only input my Mum has had on baby names, was a plea not to call our baby after my brother. It would have broken her heart to call a baby after her child who was no longer with us.

I'd go with 2 middle names, and choose a first name you both agree on.

Our 3rd son was born 50 weeks after the very sudden death of dhs brother. I refused to use the name as a first name, despite heavy pressure from dh and his family. My son was much wanted in his own right not as a replacement for a dead family member.

You have to be really firm here, you will be calling your child this for the rest of your life. Explain you are happy to use them as middle names but as this is a new life they need a new name. Just because someone has died it doesn't mean you have to use their name. Has you DH even considered that maybe you want to use your Dads name or is he so wrapped up in his grief that he can only think of himself? Your child will have his dead Grandfathers Christian and surname so therefore you need to have input too. Be firm.

Another thought, do you like DH name? If you do, you could suggest that as a first name with a different NN to DH’s. Eg DH BIL FIL Surname

Alternatively, suggest honouring both grandfathers with your dad’s name first if you like it.

Neither of these are ideal or possibly even the end goal, but if this was my DH we would need to move by incremental steps. Any big changes to his plan and he’d double down.

I couldn't have called any of my children a name I didn't like.

IT really is that simple.

They may have been lovely people, but if you don't want to use their names as first names, you are entitled to feel that way.

This baby is your baby, too, not just your husband's. And you both have to like the name the baby is given.

This happened in our family and the person doing the naming regretted it.

The sad fact is that people die, all of us. Especially parents etc. He is feeling the loss as he becomes a parent more, but your child needs their own name, even two middle names Is a lot to be named after. Are you planning any more children? Could you say another child will get the second? What happens if half your family die?

Your husband doesn’t get to give them first middle and surname.

The comment about not being a walking memorial bench is fitting.

Actually this is really valid @lovingthespring have you asked your DH how his mum would feel calling the baby after her husband? That it might hurt her every time she says the exact first/surname as her husband?

Double middle names is a fair compromise. Anyway, I wouldn't necessarily want my kid to carry the baggage of a first name (and second one!) associated with grief. Like if it's just in honour, that's fine, but this sounds more traumatic/grief filled

100%

The child will be a walking memorial AND with names his own mother doesn't actually care for. Completely unfair for her husband to be pushing for this.

I would ask him to go to counselling with you and/or grief counselling. If he refuses, I would seriously consider telling him you're taking a step back from the relationship until he does. And you won't be using names that you don't care for and are associated with such grief and sadness. Your child deserves a name that makes you feel happy to say and for the child to be happy to have amongst his generation.

Sadly, you are also going to have to be 'on it' after the baby comes if he's still not listening to reason. Do NOT let him register the baby, as he will do what he wants if he's not engaging with you on this. Have your forms ready to go if he hasn't budged and get yourself an appointment and get them in.

Your child deserves their own identity.

I lost a baby at birth, and when my DD had her 1st, she asked if she could use his name as his middle name which I was thrilled with. But I couldn't have kept callling that name out as his first name without a bit of me breaking every time. How would your DH's Mum feel having to do that? Has your DH considered this?

I'd have no issue at all with middle names, but a first name is so important to get right and your ds deserves a name that you have given him with love and thought.

This is exactly what I came to say. Let them be their own person not someone's memory!

YABU
Passing on names in this way is normal in many families, albeit with variations of nicknames (Dorothy becoming Doris then Dolly for example).
You could also give DS a more modern second middle name and have him use that as his main name.

I actually did exactly this for my DS1. He was named after my DH's uncle (deceased) and father (now deceased). I was not thrilled with the idea at the time but what tipped it for me was that I genuinely had no decent other option and was not really committed to any name of my choosing. I had a whole range of names that I would have gone off I am sure as they were popular at the time and many babies were given them.

I have actually come to really love DS's names. He is 14 now and he does not share the name with any other kid around. Only teachers in their 50s and above. I often get comments about how genuinely unusual it is to have a child that age with that sort of name. I also came to really love the connection. I never met DH's uncle but was very fond of his dad.

DS2 ended up getting my father's name.

But both I and DH are from families that have a tradition of some names being carried on. My middle name is the same that every single female in my family has. DH;s middle name is the same as every oldest male child has. I really like that connection and tradition.

I've never considered that this means my children are not individual humans in their own right. And I have never regretted the decision we made (although it took a while to come around to it!).