To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

Two middle names is perfectly acceptable and allows your son to have his own identity/ different first name. It also means there's no having to choose which name is more important (for the first name). Honestly I sat here and tried to put myself in his place, and I really think I'd rather have the special names as equal middle names for these reasons.

(In fairness, old fashioned names are having a real comeback so the names just being old fashioned wouldn't bother me)

Also if the DB presumably died quite early, other family members might not love this.

Family friend had this situation, well, they wanted to use his nickname, and the grandma wasn't delighted (she would have been very happy about her son's name being used as a middle name in tribute but it felt like he should still be here not a new Jimmy instead).

DH's family may generally feel differently but not everyone may be thrilled with the idea. I don't know if DB had a partner, children or other siblings. Middle name is more tactful alongside your wishes being very important here

I know that name popularity goes in cycles but there are some names that I could never imagine coming back in. Any kid is not going to thank you for calling him something like Brian or Kevin.

With absolute kindness regarding your DPs loss- apart from providing a tablespoon of semen at the beginning of this pregnancy, your DP has had a cushty ride, while you have done 9 months of creating a brand new human from scratch. There is no way you should have to give your child a name that you actively dislike, and I feel that a compromise is the only way to go. Also children should not be memorialised they are their own personalities from birth.

Middle names, my MIL died unexpectedly a month before DD was born and she has her name as a middle name but I would not have used it as her first name.

This absolutely.

We gave our first son DH's grandfather's name, but it is a very popular name and I already liked it. We wouldn't have done it if it was a name one of us didn't like.

We adopted a child with the most god awful first name and we weren't allowed to change it. After a year or two he really grew into it, he's got a really sweet nickname from it and I can't imagine him being called anything else. I'm (very slowly) growing to love it!

We named my son after dh’s dad. I hated that name growing up but i think because it’s my child’s name I have grown to love it and it suits him. I also love that the name has significance to the family.

Why doesn't he just have the names chiselled across your son's forehead so that there's no doubt that he's a walking, talking shrine?

Seriously though? No. You'll be resentful and it'll all boil over one day. Your son will be his own person and he should have his own name, not carry the weight of expectation that he'll be an extension of someone who is gone.

Joint middle names with an agreed original first name.

Previously voiced that your little one is not a living memorial to his late father and brother... hopefully your DP will see a little sense and he'll compromise

I'm also assuming your son will also have your husband's last name too! Is that not also a memorial to your late FIL too?

I would hate to have a dead relatives name as a child's first name. Middle is fine, but first seems morbid. Its a permanent reminder of loss every time its said.

All names should be agreed between you.
You are both his parents
Assuming the baby will take his fathers surname ( or you double barrel ) the family is always remembered.

You have equal say OP.

My best friend considered doing this and naming my goddaughter after her younger sister, who had died. In the end, for various reasons she didn't, but gave her the name as a middle name.
That baby is a young woman now and loves her name, loves the sentiment behind her middle name, but is glad she was able to be her own person - not having family members constantly compare her to someone who had sadly passed away. It simply feels right this way.

Separately - this is your baby too, and you need to have a say in their name. You are not being unkind, but your husband possibly is... Pregnancy and birth is a huge thing to go through, guilt tripping you into these names with zero discussion, like you have no say in the matter, is really not nice. I know why it's happening given his grief, and I know you feel for him - but keep talking and try to work through giving your little boy his own name.

You are already being overly kind by offering to include names you don't like as middle names.

A child should have a name that both their parents love. Anything else will breed resentment. Names are also so important for bonding and using the wrong one as a pp can lead to pnd.

Myself I wouldn't even use as middle names. I find using dead or living relatives names narcissistic and ghoulish. Your child deserves his own unique and beautiful name. He is not a tombstone or the second coming of relatives. He will be completely his own person and his name should reflect that.

Naming a baby after dead relatives is awful. Push for middle names if you can

What strange imaginations some people have.

Only in a culture where people are weirdly squeamish about death would anyone dream up a conversation like that.

Meanwhile, in other cultures, it's a very normal thing to do, and children often feel very special as a result of bearing the name of someone who meant a lot to their parent/s.

No but I did name my DD after my dead grandmother. Its a lovely name and she died 20 years before DD was born. It's very much her name now, I'm pretty confident she won't end up traumatised and without her own identity because of it!

Also every time you child is called Malcolm or whatever it is, it will trigger a conversation about the dead person.

Did you come to an agreement in the end ?

Did the dead relatives have any middle names you liked, which could be used as a first name for your baby? That seems like a good compromise.

How is that a compromise? Op deserves to pick out a name she likes for the child she literally made with her body.
If she does that her kids name will be:
Dead husband relative firstname, middle name and surname.

Could you use a variation on one of the names as a first name? Eg if his father was John using Jack or Sean or Liam instead of William.

Or using the same name but a different abbreviation/nickname say.

I'm named for two of my grandparents but don't have the same name as either of them.

I think they should be middle names and an individual unique name for baby 🧸🥰 I never liked babies being first named after someone

That is so not my experience. DS1 is named after DH's dead uncle. The only comments we had at the time were along the lines of; 'Oh how nice to keep the name going on' and the odd 'how lovely, XX would have been thrilled'. that was it. It's his name and that is that. Calling DS by his name has l never triggered a conversation- maudlin or otherwise.

So of your baby's potential 4 names (if you're even able to get him to go with two middle), DH wants to link 3 of them to his family? What about you? The fact baby will have his surname already 'honours' his side, what about you?

Have you managed to have a conversation with your OH yet OP?