To think I can live with a name I hate because it means a lot to dh?

[lovingthespring]

We're expecting a boy, dh has lost his brother and his dad in recent years and wants to call our son his dads name and brothers name as first and middle, I get why this means so much to him but the names are old fashioned and I really don't know if I could learn to like them.
Do I just try and accept the names that I'll never like or just understand and respect why he wants to choose them.
I have suggested he use the names as double middle names but he doesn't want to.
There are so many gorgeous modern names that I want to choose but I also know this means a lot to do for his dad and brother.

I agreed with a name I wasn't keen on, she's now an adult I'm still not keen on it and regret going with it.

Middle names - can you show that would be for the benefit of the child who shouldn't feel as though they replace someone else

It's not about it being fashionable it's about your son being able to carve out his own identity without the two of you unconsciously linking him to the deceased by name. You will say his name a lot. Its a burden not an honor to have a name to "live up to". Middle name or nothing

It depends what the names are and how much you dislike them, I think. My son is named after DH's dead best friend - but it's a timeless, classic name, which I didn't dislike.

Choosing a "modern, fashionable" name for your son may not be a great idea - anything too fashionable now will probably not be fashionable in a few years, and may be quite "ageing" as he gets older (in the way that if I met a Kevin now I'd assume he was about 50).

Depending on what you mean by "fashionable", a fashionable name may also lead to other people making assumptions about your child as he grows up.

My DH Dad was named after his dead older brother and he absolutely hated it and changed his name.

Even then he was always saddled with the fact he'd been named after a dead relative his whole life

That is awful, what were his parents thinking? Good for him for changing it.

I don't think your thoughts should be discounted at all. You/ he needs to compromise. I regret not getting the name I wanted for my last DC.

Definitely double middle names. Aside from anything else, your husband might find it very painful to constantly say his dead brother's name. Keeping it in a middle spot means he knows its there but doesn't have the pain of saying it - or dilute the meaning/association he has with his brother.

Ridiculous. Where does it stop? If his mum passed away would a daughter be called her name?

What if your parents died to? Who's name would they get?

Stand firm.

When I read your original post I thought "Why not?".
Then I thought of the name Frank and thought "Nah, I couldn't do it".
A compromise as a middle name, yes.

See aparantly that was quite common many many years ago but yeah it doesn't sit right

Both as middle names. Its a fair compromise

Can you reframe it for him and say that it’s important they keep their names? (and I hope he’s getting proper bereavement counselling that is a lot of loss)

Don't as a compromise use the memorial name as a first name and then use the middle name as their everyday name.
DH had this happen. It's a pain in the arse, it causes problems with official things and he has to cope with people who don't know him that well calling him a name that isn't "him", and then he has to explain.
He's named for his Dad, who is still alive - why do fathers do this?! A baby needs it's own identity.

Id push against this. He is clouded by his grief atm and is looking to make connections wherever he can.

Agree with the pp who said your son is not a walking memorial - your son is a person in his own right and needs his own name.

Yes this, middle names only.

I would probably do it, the name becomes the person who holds it very quickly (your son) and named go in and out of fashion. But I named my son after my deceased father, so I'm biased.

What's wrong with Frank? Off the top of my head, I know 4. Aged between 4 and 74.

One of my children has his great grandfather's name as a first name and an uncle as a second with a grandfather third but mostly because I like the names and they are fairly timeless. My other son has another uncle's name as a middle name. When we knew we were having a boy and my father was very old and sick my husband said to my mother that we could perhaps use my dad's name as a middle name. My mother said on no account were we to lumber the child with my father's name which was old fashioned and not that nice. (It turned out that my dad only got it because he was expected to die of whooping cough as a baby and he was christened immediately and having a large family they had run out of family names, had already called one son after the vicar and the vicar unfortunately volunteered his second name.)

Frankly, you have put up with nine months of unpleasantness and then a very unpleasant number of hours in labour. He has had none of that. I'd pull rank on the names. I wouldn't want my children to be a living memorial to dead relatives. At least all mine were people we never knew but I liked the continuity and, frankly, there are so many children in my family that almost any name could be a family name.

No. If the names aren't nice why should your son have to carry them?
His own name and possibly the others as middle names.

We gave our children their own names. It’s a minefield when you start naming them after relatives. In your case, your DH is suggesting your DS has his last name and names from his relatives. He is completely ignoring the fact that your son is related to you and your family, as well.

Put your foot down @lovingthespring what your DH wants is way over the top. I wouldn’t even use his names as middle names. Choose names for a brand new baby.

My nephew is named entirely after dead people. He hates it, as young as 8 he was unsettled by it. As an adult, he adopted a new first name. All his given names are now his middle names (it does make for a very long name!).

Middle names. Also point out you feel like your son is just his family’s child if it has his dads name, his brothers name and his last name, and it is too much to ask the woman who has been growing this child inside her. It will also be too much for the child, and imagine his mums comments oh little <dads name> is so like <dads name> it was meant to be!! It would be highly likely you feel like your child has been appropriated, it’s not like families don’t usually see the resemblances to their own family, so add in the name and the emotion and it would be a lot.

i always wonder when men make these huge requests whether they would for a moment consider them if the wife made something equivalent. Although there is no equivalent at all to your wife growing you a baby.

One of my children was born not long after MIL passed away and has her names as middle names. I loved MIL and also liked the names and their meanings so agreed to this. DD knows this and is fine with it as a connection to her grandmother that she never got to meet. One of her cousins also has MIL name as a middle name too.

I would never have given her those names as a first name though, she has her own individual name that is all her own. Also I think it would have been hard for DH to call her his mother's name all the time, the grieving process was not easy for him and that would have stayed as a constant daily reminder of his loss.