Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Tell her you've already got a plan for your next solo trip so can't afford to go away with her again so soon.

You’re such a good friend, but agree the reality of the holiday isn’t actually a holiday. It also shouldn’t be on you to research and do everything!

I’d maybe have a chat, honestly, and let her know your thoughts. You could soften it and say you’re going solo as that’s what you like to do (solo holidays are the best!).

I’d also suggest she gets a carer if her mobility is so restricted as she can pay for them to go on holiday with her in the future.

Yanbu to not go on any holiday you don't want to.

No YANBU - it's up to you when you go on holiday and who with. I think I'd be wary of leading her to believe you'll go away with her twice a year.
Aside from the frustrations though, did you have a nice time with her? It sounds like she got a lot out of it - could you tell her you don't want to do anything else this year but suggest another trip next Spring?

Say you’ve already got plans for the next couple of trips. If you wouldn’t mind a weekend/long weekend then give her some dates but get her to do all the planning this time.

It doesn’t sound like a great holiday for you and you don’t exist to make her holidays possible. One trip doesn’t make you her forever travel companion so you’re under no obligation.
I think you need to be honest about how the last one was not your kind of trip. She may need to consider paying for a carer / companion next time.

There's no reason for you to be organising everything and paying for all the groceries! Surely it makes more sense for her to be doing the research?

I don't think it's unreasonable to not want every trip with the same person, and to want to do the next one alone. I also wonder if there might be better destination options to consider if you were to take another trip with her in a year or so

Agree with this.

What if you did like an annual all inclusive trip with her?

It must be hard for her, but surely she wouldn't want to be a burden either.

Fundamentally do you enjoy her company? Because if so, could you discuss some of the other issues to see if there’s a compromise here? Could you spend some time alone during the day to explore for example? Do you have a kitty for small expenses from the start of the trip? Can she take care of the planning this time?

YANBU.

If you’d be willing to go on a short trip with her next year I’d tell her that but ask her to do the planning. But you are under no obligation to go again. Holidays do show you who someone is! It seems that it’s really her personality rather than disability that was the issue: she must have realised, for example, the costs of groceries.

If you fundamentally had a alright time, I think it's a good thing to go again. It doesn't need to be autumn - you can say you have other plans for then. But it sounds like a trip next spring might be ok?

You should be honest though. Say you had a nice time & want to support her, but not at the expense of more £££ and time. She can do some planning and should be paying more than half the costs.

You are a fab friend, but if she needs this amount of looking after she should be paying for all of the holiday in lieu of all the care you gave her.
I don’t think anyone would choose another holiday like this unless it was a close family member or partner.

Don’t be guilt tripped into going away with her again, this year, next year or any year.

I think she is a bit of a CF for letting you pay for the shopping as well and also expecting you to organise it all.

She sees you more as a carer and a secretary, not a friend.

It does sound frustrating and not exactly a holiday for you.

How did you end up doing all the planning? And it does seem rude that she didn’t offer to pay for the things from the shops (either split the cost or offer to pay in full).

If you do go again, I always use an app called Splitwise on holiday. You each put in what you’ve spent on different things and then at the end of the trip settle up what you owe each other.

If you like her enough to go way with her maybe do it a bit differently.
Some people struggle to organise trips , you see it on MN.
Also , start a kitty for the small bits that add up.
Alternatively if you really can't face itv, you'll have to say you've already got this year's trips planned. You've used your budget / annual leave.
Then see how you feel next year.

I appreciate these replies.

Just a few parts to clarify. She doesn’t seem able to a computer for any sort of research, or anything other than social media. She would never be able to book even a package holiday unless she used a Travel Agent.

An all inclusive, poolside holiday might be ideal for her, but I would hate it. Apart from the expense I like to branch out and try different places to eat, chat to locals, etc. I also like to have the increased space of self catering accommodation.

Do you enjoy spending time with her? If so then maybe suggest you're booked up this year/can't afford it due to other commitments and look into another trip next year then go somewhere she can hire an mobility scooter to help her get around with less strain on you? Maybe with less expectations now you know what it will be like, maybe somewhere you would not normally go - if it means you get to spend time with her and you want that. I'd also be asking her to do the research and pick some places she knows will be suitable for her, you should not be responsible for this.

If you're just not arsed and don't want to - two choices really! Think of excuses until she gives up asking or just be honest, gently explain to her what you have said here.

Edit - after the update it really doesn't sound like you're very compatible. Unless you really like this person and are happy to do something you wouldn't personally choose for a few days for her, then just put an end to the holidays.

It seems like you just want different kinds of holidays. Mobility issues aside, not all friends are holiday friends. And definitely not twice a year holiday friends.

I think you should find a way to say no.

It sounds as though something like a cruise would suit her. She could stay on board while the person accompanying her could get off at the different ports.

Does she know anyone who would go on that sort of trip with her?

I’m sure she’s keenly aware of the potential of being a burden and unfortunately it seems that is what she has become - to you.

If you have four breaks a year then one short one with a disabled friend doesn’t seem that bad?

Disability is very isolating and I hope you can find a way to holiday together occasionally that doesn’t involve you or her feeling like she’s a burden.

Hi OP, just so say you sound like a very caring friend and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all not to want to go away again together this year. If you felt you could, maybe suggest a short break next year at some point- but only if you feel able to.
For context, I'm your friend in this situation. I'm a wheelchair user or walking stick (depending on pain), can't walk any sort of distance at all & rely on heavy duty medication to get me through the day. Yes, travelling as a disabled person is a lot tricker with a lot more planning involved but unlike your friend, I do all the planning myself. As an example, last Feb half term I took my 13 year old DC & their best mate away to Tenerife for the week. I'm a single parent so it's always on me to plan....we had a great week.
But I honestly don't think you're being unreasonable at all x

OP you sound really lovely and you are not being unreasonable. You're clearly very considerate of your friend and mindful of her limitations but what she is proposing is not a holiday for you. It's almost as if she is asking you to take her on a holiday she wouldn't be able to do alone and it will put you out massively.

If you are planning a solo trip then say this (hopefully she wouldn't ask to come along or you'd have to point out why it wouldn't be suitable for her?) and say maybe in the future but in the meantime could you propose a day out together or silencing later this year? Is she a close friend?

Having a disability doesn’t make you a burden. Expecting someone else to do all the work and buy your groceries does

I don't think this scenario is exactly uncommon, especially if you substitute friend for family member.

Basically you have been used as ab unpaid carer, from booking arrangements to actually looking after all her needs on holiday. I don't think it is unreasonable to explain this if she pushes it. I think you can gently say that overall the holiday didn't work for you and that you won't be doing it again.

I have an elderly parent who wants to go on a cruise and has offered to pay for me and partner, but what he actual wants is for someone to make all the arrangements, renew his passport, pack for him and look after him completely for the entire holiday. It wouldn't be our choice of holiday anyway, and I'm certainly not being a carer for 10 days. I think he's genuinely baffled as to why we are not snapping his hand off at a free holiday.

Point is, you've been used and your friend needs to realise this, and adjust her expectations of those around her.

This.