Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Yanbu. I have a friend (a) who booked a holiday with another friend (b). I think the fact the friend a can't bend, walk far suddenly dawned on friend b who cancelled the holiday last minute. I understand both points of view here. Friend a was very upset as cant holiday on her own. Can't put clothes on without help. Friend a was asking other friends to come instead but it be as a carer role and you be paying for it so sadly everyone said no. Certainly go on your solo trip. Yanbu

Does friend acknowledge how much she is asking if you or does she just assume you both had a great time?

I feel awful writing that as she can't help her disability but she should have realised you were out of pocket and doing running around after her.

You say you are old friends. Are you still good friends and do you like spending time together now? I think this makes a difference. If the answer is no, and you spend time with her out of obligation, then definitely say no to any more holidays.
If you do like spending time with your friend, think about what would work for you and be honest with her. Say if once a year/every two years/UK city breaks/time where you explore alone/a shared kitty/she pays for taxis would be better for you. It sounds like there's some things that won't change, like you organising everything, but if you're friend values your friendship there's lots that could change to take some pressure off you.

I wouldn't go away with her. it's your holiday too.

and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

this stood out to me, as well as her not paying for shopping you did. She sounds ungrateful and cheeky.

If you were to agree to another trip (not in the autumn, that's mad and much too soon for any friend-holidays) maybe what you need is another two friends to join you so that there's variety and opportunities to split up for some days to explore and do uphill things, and for your friend to have company and the chance for a holiday.

However, this is not your job; effort in researching it needs to come from your friend's side too.

I really did try to hide my frustrations, but until she asked me to go again I wasn’t sure how she really felt.
I spoke to a mutual friend last night who told me that our friend told him that we both had a great time.
I assume that she is blissfully unaware rather than doesn’t care.

Maybe put her in touch with arranged holidays suitable so she can go on her own.

I would point out all of the above - the extra cost, the limitations and her lack of input. She can get a computer or phone and learn to research it- etc

Unless she is able to stay by herself for the day while you go out and do some of things you choose, you need to tell her it won't work this time. It is not hard to research accessible options, but if she can't do so it is hard to suit you both. For example, she could request special assistance at the airport like a buggy to transfer to the plane, fast track security and help to get on/off rather than you do it all Where would she like to go, does she have a carer at home to facilitate her daily life who could go?

@Borntorun123

What a tough situation for you and her, OP. It sounds like you were her PA/Carer doing all the research/bookings pre, during and post holiday for which you not only paid for yourself but incurred extra costs which you would not have needed to budget if you'd been travelling solo. Plus you missed out on doing some of the things you really wanted to do because they weren't possible for her. Sounds an unsatisfying holiday for you.

I think you're going to need to honest with her, softening the blow as much as possible, but you can't go on holiday with her, or anyone else, whether able bodied or not, out of a sense of guilt. 🌹

I'd say maybe next year as you've planned the remaining of your hols this year.

That said, you're a good friend. I'm a part time wheel chair user and it's a lot for an abled body person to look after a wheelchair user.

You don't have to go on holiday with her and I certainly wouldn't go so soon with the same friend anyway.

If your next trip is solo just tell her that and be firm about it. I love solo travelling and would say no to anyone who asked to join me on a planned solo jaunt. It doesn't matter who it is, what their needs are etc, it's a very different holiday on your own isn't it.

The bit that got me was that she expects you do do all the research etc. TBH for that reason alone I wouldn't go on holiday with her again ever! She should play an active part in ensuring her own needs are accommodated.

I think you're best off having a gently honest conversation to avoid having to make excuses in future. I imagine it meant a lot to her, but also she must know she wouldn't be able to go without a carer - and therefore that you were her carer at your own expense. Great deal for her, right?

Also holidays are not an entitlement they're a nice to have, there are lots and lots and lots of people who can't go on holidays for lots of reasons and that's not your problem.

Escorting and aiding your friend around some foreign town or resort is not a holiday: it's a job.

Your friend sounds like me and I have often travelled alone. You should have registered for mobility help when you booked then no need to push her at the airport. Major resorts hire scooters or if cheaper you can hire one here and put on the plane. Coach trips can be booked. If she wants you to go next year, she must be prepared to take some of the load off. You are not joined at the hip and should be able to go off to explore some days and she can do the beach or pool. If the holiday is more pleasant for you , you are more likely to keep going. And you should have a kitty for those expenses. You are not a carer and are generous to do this.

So it sounds like she had a great time and kind of assumed you did too.
Just respond back and simply say " hey friend, thanks for asking but I'm already planning a solo trip hiking for my next holiday so I don't think that's going to work for you. Maybe see if another friend wants to go with you in Autumn"

I don't think you need to engage more than that. If you wanted you can offer a trip next year and maybe make it shorter so it's less burdensome for you.

I agree - and on top of that she complains if what you've organised isn't completely to her liking.
A mobility impairment doesn't make her incapable of doing some researching and organising.

@BombBiggleton You sound nice. Your poor dad.

OP I have a disability and traveling is hard for me and I also live on my own so going away is incredibly difficult. I think it is entirely reasonable to say you have plans for this year but could you arrange a small trip next year on the understanding that you do the planning together? If she can’t do it herself, to ask other family or friends to sit down with her and do some of the research. I get that is difficult to find accessible accommodation and find places that are wheelchair friendly but it shouldn’t just be you that is doing the work. Is there any reason why she couldn’t do it through an agent so at least she gets some idea of the possibilities?

The other thing I would do is to insist on having a kitty, everything divided equally but that she puts in more for the taxis she needs. She must know her costs are higher because she can’t use public transport and should budget for that. You should also be clear up front that you will be exploring on your own on some occasions so she must expect to be able to sit in a cafe and read, watch passers by or entertain herself in other ways.

If all of this is done now she has time to start planning, saving for extra expenses and adjusting her expectations. It would be a lovely generous thing to go with her again.

Maybe practice some phrases aloud in the mirror...

"I had a good time too but I really do prefer to travel alone."

"I make it a rule never to travel with the same person twice!"

"I'm planning on some activity holidays so I don't think it would work out."

You’ve done it once and I think that is enough tbh. Another friend should step in next time. You sound incredibly kind and thoughtful but are at risk of being taken advantage of. I wonder if your friend really appreciates your efforts and sacrifice, especially the time taken planning, the extra expenditure and the limited nature of your activities. If she didn’t acknowledge these things and in addition commented negatively when things didn’t go exactly according to plan, I suspect she doesn’t. I would see how she responds when you say you can’t go next time and that might present an opportunity for you to speak more honestly to her about the issues involved.

Personally I would take a complete step back from holidaying together and continue to be the good friend that you are in other ways that are less stressful.

This 100%

"Sorry, I can only cope with beach/pool type holiday once every 5 years or so"

This friend doesn’t sound ‘keenly aware’ that she is a burden at all. She left all the booking, organising, travel, ferrying, pushing/carrying and shopping to the OP and her needing taxis meant that OP needed to spend a lot more money than she normally would. If you are ‘keenly aware’, you take steps to modify this-whereas the friend just seems to want it to repeat with the OP covering half of her mobility costs.

I think you need to speak to her and say, it was a lovely break but to be honest you are used to being on your own sightseeing up lots of steps/ doing physical activities, and doing budget holidays and this ended up being more costly that you budgeted for due to the taxis. I would ask if she’s considered an ‘assisted’ package trip instead.

She might have thought it was the perfect holiday, but really needs to recognise that it wasn’t perfect for you.

If she wants to go away she first if all needs to work out doing the research and booking, irrespective of having a disability it’s unacceptable to expect someone else to do all that and then comment if you think it’s not up to scratch, that’s just plain rude.

I wouldn’t be going away again so soon, and if you do then insist she comes up with some suggestions for the trip, if she can’t/wont then it’s on her.

I don't think there's anything wrong in saying that you would like to go on holiday next year (if you do) and say you're planning other things for this year.
I have a friend who doesn't help with the planning at all and thinks it's just a big joke, really annoying. Just ask your friend to start thinking of ideas now..

YANBU

You sound like a lovely friend but it sounds like you were almost acting like her carer assisting her on holiday, rather than her friend going on a joint holiday.

I would say that you are sorry but you can’t afford it this year, as you have already booked one and so perhaps she could have a think about where you can both go next year.

@Borntorun123 if you are really close then could you have a discussion about how you honestly (both) felt about it? So you could open up about how some parts you felt more like an unpaid carer/couldn’t relax and also perhaps show how much research you had to do. Basically make the point it wasn’t much of a holiday for you. Of course you’d have to be super tactful. But you could at least get to a point of ‘I’d like to do a mini-break but my other holidays this year are all allocated’ or alternatively ‘love to go away but could you think about a PA who does this stuff as part of a job so we can both relax’? Definitely if you are considering doing it again, get ground rules in place and so on.