Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

She needs to learn this basic skill unless her disability causes brain fog or something, then she needs to look into getting a carer or PA support

Just say maybe next year you've got plans for now.

Don't feel guilty, OP. It's your life. Whilst you don't want to upset your friend, you also don't want to leave her with the impression you are happy to go away with her as a regular thing - if this is not the case, then you need to tell her this kindly but firmly. Otherwise, she'll just keep repeating her request and you'll have to keep thinking up excuses.

She has an alternative - paying a carer to go with her. Expensive? Probably, but that isn't your fault. Are there any clubs/associations she belongs to that organise holidays for those with disabilities?

It's a tricky one isn't it? You're a good friend.

The problem is that if you agree to go away together again this year, you may become her default holiday companion in her assumption. I think you should decline another break so soon so it is clear to her you are not available to take on that role.

The fact that you had to organise everything for her plays a part in how I regard this. It's additional hassle and transfers the responsibility of her good time on to you, which isn't fair or reasonable. You're not her carer or her mum.

It won't be her intention but I don't think she realises that a holiday that is specifically catered to her needs is not going to be as satisfying as one that takes your needs into account as well.

I think that if you were to do this again, SHE should be booking and organising arrangements to suit, while making sure there is room in the schedule for you to go sightseeing in the places she cannot access. It has to be a trip for both of you, otherwise it's going to be an expensive toil that you aren't getting much out of.

My mum was a wheelchair user so I understand the limitations but with her adventurous can-do approach it was never an issue. Some things she could do, others she couldn't. A holiday has to cater to everyone.

Be honest and tell her that you have planned your next holiday.
Research travel agents that organise trips for people who have compromised mobility. Collect the phone numbers and suggest that your friend makes contact. Maybe they will post brochures.
Do go on a couple of day trips or over night trips per year with your friend, if you enjoy each others company.

I’m presuming the friend actually can’t plan/book things online since the op says ‘can’t’ not won’t, and it’s entirely possible that she has a condition that effects her executive function in that way.

The op presumably knows what she is like in terms of paying her way, being a cf or a good friend etc- they must be quite close if they have gone on holiday together… if not understanding money/effort/planning etc ISNT part of her condition and is just her personality then why would the op be friends with her at all?!

I have friends who can be extremely difficult to deal with at times, and have really inconvenient needs- but I know it’s part of their disability, not just them being a dick so I approach the relationship with that in mind-

If they were just a dick I wouldn’t bother with them.

If you were willing, maybe suggest a shorter, U.K. based break. A long weekend somewhere where you both relax and just eat, drink and enjoy each other's company, or a city break with plenty to see and do. One of the Channel Islands might be a good compromise for a long weekend break. Also, instead of a wheelchair could your friend use a mobility scooter, maybe a folding one she takes with her. This means you don't have the worry of organising a wheelchair or having to push her everywhere, it would also mean she could get around under her own steam independent of you and you could then both venture further afield.

I don’t know. Perhaps the OP can clarify. @Borntorun123 is not understanding money/effort/planning part of their condition? Is she unable to book holidays or doesn’t want to? What reason did she give for you having to book it all? Does she go anywhere that she’s arranged?

She might not just be a dick either. She sounds very self-unaware and thoughtless.

I would suggest a day out at some point over the summer, rather than a holiday.

Her friend can do all that research. If she wants holidays that cater to her specific needs she'll have to learn to organise it herself like other adults do.

Eta: That's assuming she is able to of course...and by that I mean there is nothing stopping her other than a reluctance to become more tech savvy.

Just keep it light, something like “I have other things on my agenda this year, maybe next”?

you sound like a good friend xx

Can she not pay for a carer for her to go away with? Because that's essentially what you were to her.

Or perhaps can she go away with special holiday company that run breaks for disabled people....there are quite a few around.

I used to holiday with my mother in law under similar circumstances when she was still alive, but she organized and paid for the whole thing because the understanding was that I was there as a carer companion.

I think your friend is not being intentionally exploitative, but they need to understand that their holidays will cost more going forward. This is one of the many reasons why disabled people need PIP, because so many aspects of life are more expensive than if able bodied. It is also possible to your friend to pay others to organize holidays if a package isn’t the right thing. For example see:
https://www.travelcounsellors.co.uk/

I would say I’ve already planned my trips for this year and can’t afford/don’t have annual leave/do not want to book any additional ones.

I really think she should have paid for all the taxis and any incidentals that cropped up. You are a very good friend to her.

My friend has no cognitive issues. I don’t know why she seems so reluctant to even try to get to grips with computers, etc. She is only early 60’s, so not really an age problem.
She does have a good personality in many ways and I do enjoy her company. Maybe the recent week long holiday was just too much though.

Well in that case she should be taking part in planning if you don’t want to do it all, and should be paying her way.

I really sympathise, op, as I have a friend in a similar situation and we are planning a few days away together later this year. I know it will cost me more because of the transport by taxi, less choice of where we stay, etc, and I know I will have to sort it all out in advance. She's a good friend and so I'm happy to do it and won't complain, will pay equal to her, etc, but I'm a bit anxious about it. Just because someone is disabled, doesn't mean they aren't also critical of things if that is their personality, and I know I will feel responsible if it goes wrong in any way at all.

I would just explain that your next trip is already planned but maybe next year. Then I would be thinking about a weekend/long weekend. But it's really hard if people aren't very mobile. I'm always very stuck with my parents, poor mobility and every where I think of for days out has a car park about six miles from the actual attraction. You don't notice when you are fully mobile how unfriendly infrastructure is to people who can't yomp along for miles.

I wouldn’t mention going next year.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. As well as not being able to afford it, I am not her parent and don’t want to be blamed if things go wrong. I suppose I really know the answer to my question.

if You did want to go with her again, what about considering a cruise? My in-laws do cruises and my FIL is a full time wheelchair (electric) user with very limited mobility (maybe 10meters slowly with a stick). They manage to get off in ports and go and explore the local town or they book on an excursion that is wheelchair friendly. When on board there’s multiple restaurant options and shows. You could always get off as soon as the ship docks (which usually early) to go for your run then come back for her.

Just be kind when you tell her you don't want to. She will understand, really.

Just as an aside, she's really quite cheeky expecting you to do all the organising. It's her legs that dont work not her brain

Personally I would take a complete step back from holidaying together and continue to be the good friend that you are in other ways that are less stressful.

I agree with this. Be careful it's not expected that you regularly go on holiday with her, especially if you don't get to do things you prefer. She's already asking for another holiday with you this year.

There are charities and organisations which provide advice and help for people with disability needs to holiday in the UK or abroad but she is going to need to be a bit more involved in the planning herself. 🌹

Thanks for your suggestion, but as well as my budget not stretching to a cruise, it’s just not my idea of fun.

If that was my friend I would say I do want to go on holiday with you again, just not so soon. Maybe discuss going on holiday again in a couple of years?

This sort of flies in the face of what you have said about self catering and space etc but I promise I have read your posts…

If you are willing to travel with her again but want a bit more independence for you both, consider a cruise. I did one with an elderly relative and I was really surprised at how accessible everything was. The ship itself was surprisingly wheelchair friendly, there was lots of opportunities for me to do my own thing and then meet up for a drink, meal or activity later. Also, the excursions were very, very clearly described down to the number of steps/stairs needed to get to get to the destination.

That said, if you didn’t want to travel with her again, I would understand. It is a lot to put on another person. In which case, I would suggest you let her down lightly by saying you already have plans for your next few trips, maybe next year. Because, of course, next year never comes.

Edited to Add - sorry, crossposted - I have just seen your ‘no cruise’ post. But, like you, I also thought that cruises weren’t my thing until I did one. It was much more fun than I had anticipated. A much younger crowd and I didn’t have to play endless games of bridge (although that was an option if you liked it).