Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

In terms of budget -I am looking again nice cruise to Norway for £850 per person for a week. So that's pretty much everything covered bar travel to Southampton.

We love seeing a new port every day -have enjoyed places in Croatia and Albania as well as more touristy places (rome /corfu)

But really she needs to research things and potentially offer to pay more to "upgrade" the trip to suit her more.

It sounds like she's not addressed her physical challenges either. Definitely leaning towards learned helplessness.

I would opt for shorter days out. Not holidays, you're not compatible. She needs a paid carer for that amount of extra work.

And I'm saying that as someone definitely going down the road to reduced mobility with a very fit partner.

I'm the person in the wheelchair due to mobility problems, I hire an electric scooter when we go away, as I would hate my family and friends to be as secretly annoyed as you are having to push me everywhere. Is that an option?

Thank you.
I feel like a proper cheapskate now, but that is only slightly less than the budget I have I total for all of my annual trips.

I don't have any friends I'd want to holiday with, nothing to do with mobility problems.

Once a year seems more than enough unless you are a brilliant pairing, and her unwillingness to organize seems less fun for you.

Just let her know that although you had a good time, you aren't up for another trip this year, you'll have to see about next year.

In this situation, I'd be more than happy with my friend going off and eating in interesting places/doing other activities, I hate being joined at the hip, but if you aren't compatible holiday companions, that's just the way it is, few people are, IMO.

Have a think about what you really want and how to best communicate that to her.

If the focus for you when you go away is to explore, see as much as you can and be spontaneous then holidays with her will always be a disappointment because it's a constant reminder of the fact that you are unable to do what you would like.

This would be the same if you were obliged to stay with someone in an all inclusive, or only eat in fast food places if you particularly enjoyed cuisine , or not see inside famous sites because travel companion didn't want to pay.

I'd say that you had a good time but you have got other travel plans lined up. You don't need to be specific, but if she presses you be prepared to say you prefer more active holidays and leave it there.

If by any chance you would still like to do something with her, maybe an activity nearer to home, going to see a show or to visit something specific, like an exhibition or something and include an overnight. Equally fine to not go away together. I would only ever go with 2 of my friends

Of course you dont have to go with her

Would she consider a mobility scooter? If you went somewhere she could hire one for the time your there then you could walk everywhere and she could be on the scooter, then you wouldn't be limited.

I am sorry if it came across that I was annoyed at pushing her in a wheelchair. I was not.
You are right though that something like a motorised scooter would have enabled us to go further afield.
am going to say no to travel with her anytime soon, but that is a good suggestion for the future.

My friend has no cognitive issues. I don’t know why she seems so reluctant to even try to get to grips with computers, etc. She is only early 60’s, so not really an age problem

In that case, and only if it suits you to go again, I'd defnitely be pointing her towards some online travel agents. If she can compose a SM message she can compose one for them, and as said earlier they'll do all the work

You really need to guard against learned helplessness, especially as it seems she's eyeing you up as the go-to person for this kind of thing

Why don't you just be honest with her and tell her what you've told us in your posts?

Unless your friend has significant care needs which requires a carer there isn't really any barrier to her traveling alone. My mobility is very limited but I have been away on my own abroad several times. I book assistance at the airport so I don't have to walk to the plane and I book a mobility scooter at the resort. I always plan beforehand to check the hotel is disabled friendly and go all inclusive so I don't have to go far.

It sounds like maybe your friend lacks confidence and needs someone to encourage her to do the planning herself and see that she would be fine going abroad on her own if need be.

I can understand your frustration
After our last family holiday where I spent huge amounts of money to go to a place where there were a lot of things dc and I wanted to do and dh was struggling to walk 100 yards to a restaurant. I have said no more holidays with dh.

The issue with dh is he doesn’t help himself and his whole lifestyle isn’t conducive to being able to walk any distance. In the last few years since he has retired he has sat watching day time tv every single day. He can go weeks without going past the doorstep.
In the meantime I am working and running my own business and doing 18-20,000 steps per day.

You sound like a nice friend op.

Don't feel guilty for saying no, just tell her your next few trips are already planned.

I think you come across really nice and considerate OP. While it's possible that you may want to do this again in future, you really don't see that any time coming up, so I don't think saying that you got your plans for this year already sorts the problem. I think this is really tricky. Could you say something like "That was fun and I really enjoyed it but it reminded me why it's not my usual sort of holiday, I need to be busier and to have the independence to follow my nose in order to get out of my head", or some such.

Sounds like you have completely different interests and needs.

I can't believe all the people saying you 'sound a lovely friend' yet here you are moaning about her disability putting a dampner on things. Imagine how she feels every single day.

Please don't go away with her again. She deserves to be with supportive and kind pals, not ones moaning because it all just a bit of a drag this wheelchair carry on. Jesus.

Tell her 'no sorry, you do not want to go away with her again and perhaps she could look try booking somewhere with a carer who would be be better suited to her many, boring needs'

Enjoy future hols skipping around 'chatting to the locals'

OP, as someone else pointed out, disability doesn't make someone a burden, but not taking a part in the organisation of the holiday, not paying their way and passing comment on parts of the location that were "unsuitable" does make someone a burden.
You are her friend, not her carer.
And , while you say you enjoy her company, you may feel resentful if you say yes to another holiday with her.
You're shouldn't feel obliged to holiday with her again, it's your holiday too, so try to ignore any emotional pressure she may put on you to say yes.
And enjoy solo travelling!

'My friend has no cognitive issues. I don’t know why she seems so reluctant to even try to get to grips with computers, etc. She is only early 60’s, so not really an age problem'

So what. Many people cba with the Internet. Yes she shouldn't rely on others and could obviously ring a travel agent but who cares if she doesn't have a computer.

Just be honest with her, at the moment she seems completely oblivious to your disdain and intolerance to her problems. Why does she think you're a supportive nice friend? Tell her you aren't at all and there'll be no more boring wheelchairy trips thanks very much.

I was feeling quite sorry for your friend, until you said you plan and organise EVERYTHING!

It strikes me this is only in a small part about the limitations posed by her disability, and mainly about the fact that you're expected to present her with the perfect holiday, and get critiqued if you don't.

Her attitude would drive me loopy, that is no way to treat a friend. Absolutely she can use a computer and organise her own shit, certainly if she uses it for social media as you say. Sounds like she just can't be bothered, and it's nice for her to just get you to do it.

Unfortunately it sounds like you did too good a job this time and she'd like your services again to organise a nice holiday. Just a big fat no from me, she's taking the piss.

I think you need to put yourself first. A holiday should be enjoyed by everyone attending and that clearly isn't the case with this friend.

For the time being I'd just say you have other plans and the obvious restrictions in budget and time.
For the future, how about group / coach holidays? They aren't cheap, but the guide has some responsibility and will ensure that there is acess or alternative options if mobility is an issue.

I didn't read the OP as moaning about disability, she's talking about the restrictions imposed! OP is active (runs) and the holiday was at a pace to suit her friend, not her.

Two trips in a year is too much. I would say that you have other things planned for the near future and don't have any extra budget/holiday entitlement etc.

Ah if your budget is around £250 per trip (and 3-4 per year) then that is definitely an issue in terms of the sort of holidays she may enjoy.

So maybe we just say to her -here is my budget -let me know if you find something suitable for next year within that budget.

Just don't go on more than one holiday with her a year!

It sounds like what you usually do, which is meet at a restaurant for a chat, suits you just fine.

Do that, and stop doing the things you don't like. I don't think it's that nice to go on about how slow wheelchairs are in airports, this is true but this is something we disabled people have to suck up.

I don't have to suck up friends who aren't truthful though or are moaning about helping out or just want to do different things- be graceful and let your friend know your parameters which are that you don't want to organize and go on multiple holidays a year, which few people would, even with a close friend.