Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

It's a thousand pounds a week plus all expenses paid for a solo travel companion who cares. You did a nice thing but you don't have to do it again.

'I didn't read the OP as moaning about disability, she's talking about the restrictions imposed'

Yes correct, she is moaning about the restrictions imposed. Caused by a disability.

I guarantee the friend finds it all much more of a bore than the op does. I just feel so sorry that the friend has no idea that her pal is online whining about said 'restrictions'.

Being a caring supportive friend isn't for everyone I suppose.

Her mobility issues don't change the fact that she's a CF who wants to sit back while you do all of the work in planning and make all of the accommodations for her.

That alone would piss me off enough not to go again because there's nothing worse than a person who won't get involved in the research/booking, then moans about what has been chosen.

I think that if you agree to go away with her again, it should be her responsibility to plan the whole thing to accommodate both her and your needs. If she isn't willing to learn the skills to do this - internet etc. - then I wouldn't be going.

It's not so much the helping out/restrictions that would get my goat for the occasional trip, but the taking responsibility for everything definitely would. You're not a travel agent!

It can easily be a lot more than that, as I found out when my disabled DS went abroad for a week with a carer, which is why I floated the idea of accompanied holidays specifically for the less mobile

It would obviously still cost more than the friend going alone, but nothing like as much as having a "private" carer - and as said it could produce more lovely friends

and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon

I think your friend was being unreasonable asking you to do all the arrangements and then complaining about things that weren't to their liking. If they want to go away then they should be doing all the research and contacting the prospective places.
Yanbu to not want to go away with them this year. I would just say you have your other holidays booked or arranged already.
If you were to go away next year, maybe just go places you can go for a long weekend for, and not places you'd necessarily want to see certain things, and save places you'd like to see more of just for your solo trips.

If you would consider another trip - maybe next year? - in your position, my opening gambit would be "Sounds interesting. Where were you thinking of? Do you want to look into a few places and suggest a plan?"

I'd also limit it to a long weekend.

I'd also limit it to a long weekend

As has already been suggested, I see!

"Just a few parts to clarify. She doesn’t seem able to a computer for any sort of research, or anything other than social media. She would never be able to book even a package holiday unless she used a Travel Agent."

"She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon."

That alone would put me off holidaying with her! I'd feel more like the hired hand than a friend, expected to put in all the work on her behalf whilst she just accepts it as her due. No, I'd not be holidaying with her again.

This is a very very common situation - that someone who needs a carer to go on holiday won't admit it and will expect a friend or family member to stand in for a carer. This can work well if you go into with your eyes open and if the relationship is worth cherishing then it's a lovely thing to do - but you do need to have some caution and not go on frequent holidays as the unofficial carer ! I don't think you should be expected to do all the legwork to prepare the holiday - some of things you mention about having to ask the property owners questions on her behalf and then getting 'criticism' when things don't go to plan sound more like elderly parent territory - a friend should not expect this

You’ve probably been given all the advice you need now but I wanted to come on to say what a good friend you are.

I have one suggestion, should you decide to travel with her at some point, even if only for a weekend. Take a credit card with nothing already charged to it or have a cash kitty you pay an equal amount into for all shared expenses- groceries, taxis, trips meals etc. That way you won’t pay for small things along the way which soon mount up. If you use a card instead you can take the bill to her when it comes in after the trip and show her what she owes.

My DP has poor mobility. I don't need the taxis that he does, so he pays. He is considering using a electric scooter this year. Tell her that another holiday won't happen until next year and then go through the changes that would make it enjoyable for you.

Sounds like you've done your bit. It was kind of you to be such a supportive friend but you're not her carer and you're not her family. It's not down to you to take her on holidays.

I would say I'm sorry but my money is tight this year and I've already booked to do a few things so can't afford another holiday. Unless she offers to pay for you, you're off the hook!

I didn't read it as that. I read it as OP doing all the organisation for a holiday that was far more expensive than she would normally do, and in a different style to what she would prefer. And then asking if she was being unreasonable to not want to spend her next holiday doing the same.

I think that if it was your partner, then you might compromise on most holidays. For a friend - less often.

I could have written this post.
I took 2 friends with limited mobility to a british resort for a few days this month.
(One more limited than the other)
(I say a took them, rather than we went together as, as in the op's situation, I did all the organising, and drove us there and then all over once there)
The person with the most limited mobility dictated (she wouldn't agree) everything we did(n't do).

It was ok for a few days but I have no intention of repeating it. Similarly, I ended up paying more than I would have needed to on my own (She wanted coffee and scones every day!) Although I didn't go along with that, I went for a walk leaving the other 2 to their leisure.

She, of course, loved it and didn't see any problem, as she is so used to everyone accommodating her needs. She can't wait to do it again.

The more mobile one is aware that her issues require compromise from others and, generally, tries to mitigate it as afar as possible. I am happy to go with her again, but even then, not every time. I generally manage 2 or 3 breaks a year. Luckily she ca't afford to join me on more than one. I have been going away on my own for a decade or so, so even compromising with an able bodied friend can be challenging.

If she's a good friend and you enjoyed her company - go again, but maybe next year.
Be honest about the things that frustrated you; as suggested above, she needs to do some/all of the research, kitty for shared expenses, you need to be somewhere central where plenty to do without expensive cab trips - and it is your holiday too, if there are things she can't do/visit because of mobility issues, a day/afternoon where you each do your own thing is fine.

Once a year is more than reasonable. Even leaving out the limitations and the fact you also like to travel alone, you might have many other friends you want to travel with.

'The more mobile one is aware that her issues require compromise from others and, generally, tries to mitigate it as afar as possible. I am happy to go with her again, but even then, not every time. I generally manage 2 or 3 breaks a year. Luckily she ca't afford to join me on more than one. I have been going away on my own for a decade or so, so even compromising with an able bodied friend can be challenging.'

'The more mobile one' .

The language and intolerance on this thread is absolutely awful.

Where and when do folk find the time and inclination to yes step up, to help out, to be a nice person.

@NannyGythaOgg's poor immobile pal 'luckily' can't afford many hols so she doesn't have to put up with it much. Phew!

If she can’t be arsed with the internet, then she has no right expecting someone else to do it all for her!

This issue has actually got little to do with the friend’s mobility issues and everything to do with her lack of self-awareness!

I think that’s really rude.

OP seems like a lovely person who does a lot for her friend.

She arranges everything, goes out of her way to help her friend and then doesn’t do the things that she wants to do to not want to upset her friend.

OP has absolutely no obligation to go on holiday every time with this friend, just because she’s got a disability.

OP is an individual who can go on holiday with whoever she likes and it’s unfair that posters like you are trying to make her feel guilty and ableist, simply because she wants to go on holiday to a place and do activities of her own choosing.

OP owes this friend nothing.
Her life does not revolve around any friend, whether they’re disabled or not.

The mobility scooter's a good idea. I wonder if the friend would consider this, although from what the OP says, the friend sounds as though she finds it quite challenging coping with using some things, (especially if she's never used a scooter at home maybe).

Surely she doesn’t owe this friend an away trip? Why can’t she socialize with her in this country? OP is being asked to act as an unpaid carer or support staff. If her friend wants to travel she can hire a travel agent snd a carer and go.

This OP. Disability doesn't make one an angel. They can be as lazy, selfish and CF as anybody else.
Fair enough for activities to be restricted due to her disability but not doing any planning is what makes her a CF. Also expecting you to push her everywhere!
It's on her to find solutions not you.

She doesn't have to give her 'her life', just y'know assist her <alleged> pal with mobility issues instead of moaning that it's all too much and her other hols are so much more fun.